You know, when you have big milky breasts you can’t win in the “professionalism” department. It’s just never going to work. Not unless you can shell out a million dollars for custom-tailored suits or some shit. I spent two solid days going through my wardrobe trying to find something to wear that :
1. Is not too fancy.
2. Is not too casual.
3. Is appropriate for sweltering heat and humidity.
4. Allows me ease of movement.
5. Will easily expand through a 7-hour work day as my breasts fill up with milk.
6. Is easy to breastfeed/pump in without having to disrobe completely, given that I may not be able to find a place private enough to not risk being walked in on. And having wedding guests come in while I’m half naked with my tits out probably wouldn’t bode well for positive referrals. Not the kind of referrals I want, anyway.

I finally found something that matched all of these things AND was flattering: a lovely black cross-front shirt that’s a little loose-fitting but has a V-neck that will allow me to pump and breastfeed without issue.
I dropped my baby off with my friend and arrived at the wedding venue by 3:45pm. By 5:30pm I looked like Dolly Parton and was becoming self-conscious. I spent some time discreetly looking for more safety pins, but I came up empty. The one I was using popped off and got lost somewhere. Awesome. The bride later told me that everyone thought I was cool, so I’m hoping this is due to my winning charm and charisma and everyone conveniently overlooked the fact that I arrived on the scene as a pair of tits with a camera.

I’m at a point now where I’m giving up on that shit. Screw “professionalism” being synonymous with, “Flat-chested”. I am an H-cup right now, there is nothing I can do to H-cup breasts that will make them appear to be B-cup breasts (aka. “flattering breasts”).
I have large breasts, they will never not be large breasts, and I will never find clothes that do not give me ample cleavage. I am just going to have to accept this and move on with life. I don’t want to die of heatstroke and have my husband and children crying over a tombstone and howling, “If only she hadn’t worn a turtleneck!”

I’m going to have to rename my business, “Photography by Tits McGee”. I’m not even kidding. Here’s my new business logo.

Comments

comments

37 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    Having been a Double Ding Dong Dang since forever, I’m glad to see that others feel the same way about large breasts: HIGHLY OVERRATED and INCREDIBLY INCONVENIENT! Not to mention you look like a hooch in anything that’s not up to your neck. Which of course makes your boobs look even bigger…like they start at your chin and end at your belly button. About 10 years ago, I decided “screw it” and started wearing what I want – I try to be modest but cleavage happens. Sigh. Anyway, love your new business logo…somehow I suspect it just might get you puh-lenty of business…just not the kind you want! πŸ˜‰

  • *HUGS!*
    Your blog gets me through my black times: when I imagine getting married you are ALWAYS the photographer!

  • bluealoe says:

    I havr nothing important to add, not having large breasts myself, but thanks for the mental image and the laugh. πŸ™‚ And I’d hire you and your breasts for a photography session anyday.

  • OMG I LOVE THE GRAPHIC. lol.

    I’m a 40K (and that’s an estimate). Even the “we carry huge sizes” places don’t always carry my size. Right now I’m wearing a 40J because it was the biggest size of the bra I wanted– and bras that a) look good, b) fit me and c) are NURSING bras are almost IMPOSSIBLE to find. The 40J is clearly too small and I get that underwire ridge in the middle. Ugh. (But the company I bought it from is AWESOME with returns and exchanges– cake lingerie (dot) com. They make GORGEOUS nursing bras that, gasp, come in huge sizes and have colors and lace and are sexy. AMAZING. They may not carry my exact size, but if they make 40Js, they carry lots of other people’s sizes!

    But on the topic of buying clothes– my daily life is very, very negatively impacted by my huge breasts. I have a serious hunchback, clothes that don’t fit, major self-esteem issues, can’t sleep on my stomach… it’s bad. I love breastfeeding my girls and I want to have more kids, but I’m counting down the days until I’m done nursing forever so I can get a reduction.

  • arlen_esq says:

    I love the logo!

    I’ve got a bigger-than-average rack myself (and god help me if I were ever to have children and breastfeed…)…and because I’m too poor to get myself to the one decent retailer in town that sells sizes beyond what American department stores stock, I don’t know my actual size. I cram the girls into DDs, although given the amount of boob overhang I deal with, I know it’s not the right size for me.

    And this reminds me–a while back, you posted an excellent tutorial on how to measure your actual bra size. Maybe time for a re-post? Because at the time, I thought “huh, I should measure myself,” but didn’t, and since I’ve gained some weight over the past few years (since leaving the job/career that kept me skinny by turning me into a giant stress-ball), the boobs just keep getting bigger. I could search through the tags…but one, I’m lazy, and two, consider it a PSA for all us big-busted girls.

  • _evalution says:

    the logo made me snork out loud.

  • lilmoe says:

    LOL!! Thank you for mentioning the fact that they change sizes. This is the part no one seems to warn you about. I was a 32A all my life and have no complaints about the 32DD’s I have now while breastfeeding (well, mostly no complaints) but it is the fluctuation that throws me off. I was a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding when my baby was 6 months and in the pro-pics I go from looking “just right” in the dress, to lopsided at one point (with a still wet breastmilk stain), and then “bad boob job” by the end of the night (i.e. the way too round cannonball boobs that was the popular look for implants circa 1990).

    I have a friend with big knockers and she always dresses what I would call conservatively but we were at the farmers market one weekend and she got a steely death stare from an old lady, or more like her chest did. She told me it happens all the time. My eyes were opened to a world of cleavage hatred that I did not know existed!

  • *laughing* You poor woman. I hear you on this one and I LOVE that logo. hahahaha

  • veinsexplode says:

    I completely relate to this. Finding clothes that fit my now nursing size G is not an easy feat.

    Have you tried figleaves.com for bras? I found a freya bra for quite a bit cheaper on there when biggerbras was out of my size.

    Do you wear nursing shirts at all? All the ones I’ve found are super expensive so I tend to opt for something I can yank down or pull up.

  • dwer says:

    I find this relevant to my interests, and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • Ah, never had that problem, since I am a B cup, but when pregnant and breastfeeding, they go up half a cup size. *sigh*

    Love your new business name and logo. You should get that on a shirt.

  • timmytm says:

    Talk about large lemons.

  • elisesahcra says:

    I’ve always been a B cup, but then I got pregnant. I’m re-dubbing this period in my life “Boobsplosion 2012” after going up three cup sizes (with no end in sight; I’ve begun to fear what breastfeeding is going to make them do), and am discovering just how hard it is to find clothes that don’t show cleavage. I’ve decided to care more when I can predict what size my boobs will be in two or months, thereby being able to buy clothes and bras that will fit for any serious length of time. This may not happen for a while.

  • Anonymous says:

    1. I would totally hire Photography by Tits McGee, if only for the epicality of the name.

    2. You forgot to mention how hard it is to find an H cup (or larger) nursing bra that doesn’t have huge straps. Or, barring that, find shirts that cover said mammoth straps. And the fact that the front of the bra comes up halfway to your collar bone. Talk about sexy. And button-up shirts? Forget about it.

    I was a 34H when Rowan was nursing. I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant and waiting for a shipment of 34H bras because my 34G just isn’t cutting it anymore. Some of my maternity shirts are too tight around the bust. My other problem is that cross-front shirts/dresses always cross in the same direction (top layer on the right), and that’s my larger side, so I end up with a lot of one boob showing and none of the other. Drives me nuts.

    • admin says:

      Oh yes. The straight-jacket bra. So thexy.

      I buy everything off biggerbras.com

      • Even from vendors like this I have similar problems… I try them on in stores first (poor form, I know, but I can save 50% online and I’m not flush so…) and I’m on the borderline where the bra that looks cute in an E cup all of a sudden gains inches of matieral EVERYWHERE in an F-cup. It makes me fucking crazy. The other day I finally just decided to buy the goddamn bra in an E-cup in a band size big enough that the cups would fit, and then rip the fucking thing apart and shorten the band myself. And then I realized how insane it is that I paid full-price in-store for the bra ($115… the style is my favourite ever and discontinued so I panicked) and I’m essentially going to destroy it and hope for the best.

        It’s so weird that a society that pushes the idea of big breasts = sexy then turns around and makes it fucking impossible to buy anything that fits them. (Well, maybe “society” isn’t doing that but I’m not feeling articulate this morning. Hopefully it’s clear what I mean?)

        • Anonymous says:

          Have you considered taking it to a seamstress? I had a friend who was like a 30H after her daughter was born, and she found it easier to buy a 32 and take it to a seamstress to have it sized down.

          It’s taken me three times to buy bras this time. First time, ordered a new brand only to find out they run like 3 cup sizes small. Then, I ordered the brand I was wearing one cup size up, only to discover that the one I have is so stretched out I really needed to go up TWO cup sizes. I finally ordered THREE new ones, two sizes up from the one I have in the same brand, from Totsy.com. Great website, takes FOREVER to ship (the order was May 18 and I still don’t have them). But you really can’t beat $40 for three brand-new Panache bras. There are two places in my city that sell full-fit sizes but they’re so out of my price range it isn’t even funny.

          And yes it made sense. Also, they push the idea that big breasts=sexy, but then you get glared at if you don’t cover them up as much as possible. Make up your damn minds!

          • Technically I am a seamstress, so I guess when I say “rip it apart and hope for the best” I’m being a little hyperbolic πŸ˜€ I’m sure it’ll work out well, I mostly just resent having to do it that way. I feel like I can’t be the only person who needs a larger cup size but doesn’t want full coverage, straps wider than 1/2″, etc, but maybe I really am in the minority? I just feel like I’m being told YOU NEED SUPPORT and I don’t like other people telling me what I need. (And, I really don’t need support. I may be an F-cup but in reality I don’t think my breasts are really all that big… maybe I’m just used to them, though? I don’t know, I’ve lost all perspective!)

          • Also: that experience is totally why I won’t buy online without trying on somewhere first. Although, I did just take a chance on two new styles from Figleaves, but only because it was a big sale and buying something I knew would fit justified the shipping cost. *fingers crossed I won’t have to return anything*

            $40 for all three? or $40 each? Because you really can’t beat that, you’re right! I should check out that site…

            • Anonymous says:

              Awesome to being your own seamstress. I sew, but it’s not a Colleen project unless I rip out at least 3 seams in the process, and cry once. I wouldn’t even dream of trying to alter bras.

              $40 for all three. There were two $58 bras that were each $11.25, and one $69 that was $24. Shipping is like $8 but they also do this thing where if you refer a friend, you get a $15 credit the first time they buy something–so I had $15 off saved up. It’s not perfect, though. It’s a “sales” site, and each sale runs for 3 days or so…but you never know when the brand you need is going to show up. I’d been waiting for Panache for a while and holding onto that credit the whole time. Plus it takes 10-15 days after the sale ends for your order to even ship…and it’s all final sale. So if you don’t need it in a timely fashion, and you know it will fit, definitely worth it. If you need something NOW, it sucks.

              I understand what you mean about the not feeling like they’re huge. When I was first sized as a 32F, everybody was SHOCKED. I think it has something to do with having a small band size, but I’m not sure. I get asked if I’ve considered a reduction but I’ve never thought of it because they don’t bother me. I don’t have back problems at all…I just hate clothes shopping. My major complaint with wearing a “full figure” bra is that they tend to have seams across the cups and they irritate the hell out of my nipples. (oh yeah and the massive straps. Hate those).

  • Anonymous says:

    H, holy mess! Honestly in the 6yrs I’ve known you on Lj I’ve never thought of your breasts as massive!

    Shelley S.

  • devilgrrl says:

    I took up sewing for exactly this reason. Nothing ever looks conservative when you’re busty.

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