I’m putting this in another entry because I can’t find a good segue between this, and everything with it, into like… stuff about my kids. It just doesn’t sound right all together and I want to vent some of this publicly anyway.

Every time I think I reach my limit as far as physical pain is concerned, it goes on to surprise me. It’s like magic. Horrible, agonizing magic.
I ran out of breakthrough meds two weeks early due to –
1. My pain doctor’s dating mix up when he wrote the last script, causing my pharmacy to give me meds during a week when I apparently didn’t have them, requiring them to adjust everything a week behind to correct their mistake, and
2. Having a bad pain month that put me an additional week behind.
– so now I’m existing in a sort of agonizing limbo. As I wrote on Tumblr, this is why otherwise healthy and not-at-risk people become drug addicts: because when you’re in this much pain you become desperate for it to stop by any means necessary. The hospital is a joke, because once they realize you have scripts for narcotics they peg you as a drug addict and refuse to speak to you like a human being. There have been occasions when, in a delirium of blinding agony, I have wondered about the price of street heroin since I know it is an effective pain reliever.
At this point the slightest thing sets me off, and I’m consuming an unhealthy amount of Tylenol and Ibuprofen in effort of making me a better person. Chronic pain changes the way you interact with people; your limits get shorter, your exhaustion goes up, you are always at the end of your fuse and running on empty. If I was always the person I am when I’m in pain, I would be alone the rest of my life, and that scares the shit out of me. I fear that one day I’ll become so afraid of taking my medications that I’ll take far less than I need to get by – or none at all – and I will drive everyone away. I don’t know that it’s possible to describe it to someone who has not experienced it; a life of constant pain can turn a kind, sympathetic and patient person into goddamn sociopath. Existing while in pain requires considerable mental strength, so emotional upset generally increases pain levels; with Marika’s latest fuckoffery it’s become that much more difficult to handle myself.
Oh yes, that’s right, she didn’t stay. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I’m not. I’m sad, I’m ashamed, I’m angry, I’m fucking furious in the wake of the events that led up to her departure. Even dad, who seems to take an obscene amount of bullshit from Marika, has met his limit. By the end he removed the welcome mat for her boyfriend, something that is long overdue. The boyfriend has not been welcome at our house for some time.

Sometimes I feel that dad is too soft with Marika. He is easily swayed and doesn’t want to push too hard; but in situations like this I think there is more room for absolutes and musts. Context matters, of course, but there have been a number of times I would have loved to see him be less sympathetic. He always wants to see the other side, he doesn’t want to outright hate someone and wouldn’t act on it even if he ever did feel that way about another human being. I get that, and I respect it, but I think it’s unnecessary here. The guy is a manipulative, abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic dick and doesn’t need any more attendees to his fucking pity parties. I was done giving him the benefit of the doubt after the first time I spent an hour and a half on the phone with Marika while he slurred insults at her in the background.

There are all sorts of politics mixed in with dad’s habit of going soft on him, like the fact that he is very close friends with The Boyfriend’s father, and they’ve been friends for many years. Boyfriend’s father was also a (horrible, awful) web design client of mine once. He’s a musician with a fetish for Iranian women. He tried to give me a CD of his music as partial payment for hours and hours of design work, and when I wouldn’t accept anything short of actual money he repackaged it as a gift instead. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t something I’d spend hours listening to either. It got lost in our collection of CDs for years, and when I found it a few days ago during a spring cleaning I broke it in half. I was so enraged about The Boyfriend that even seeing something from an innocent family member got me too wound up to think clearly.

Tomorrow will be a week since I’ve seen or heard from Marika.
There are two bags of miscellaneous personal items that she left behind still sitting in my entryway. A hair straightener, a pamphlet for a youth organization, a dirty bra and a pair of jeans with a dollar sixteen in the pocket. She’s long gone and I don’t expect her to come back and pick these things up, but I’m angry enough to not even want them sitting in my house.
I’m not the type of person that holds grudges – I don’t have the patience or the energy to spend the time nourishing that kind of bullshit and I generally find fault in those that do – so the length of time I’ve spent angry isn’t about a grudge as much as it is about trying to find a way to work through the incredible weight of what I’m feeling. It may seem unfair to be angry at someone in her situation, and I’m sure someone will be thrilled to tell me what a poor excuse for a human being I am, but there’s a reason I often spare details of these kinds of things and I’m not about to break my rules now. I do not like to vilify my own family, and even the times I’ve ranted in detail I’ve either censored or toned down most of the information. The only person I’m comfortable spilling the beans with is Krazy, because she’s fucking crazy, and I’m totally okay with other people thinking that too.
This is the same reason why I don’t write (seriously, at least) about fights with Curtis, or get into incriminating details about rough patches in our relationship. It’s too easy for an audience to get the idea that someone is a terrible person when reading a record of things they’ve said in the worst second of their worst moment. I’ve said or done things while awash with grief or anger that were pretty hurtful, most of which I don’t even remember at this point, and I’d prefer not to have my character forever judged against them. Particularly if I made it up to the person, and never, ever did it again. I don’t want my worst acts held up to me in a public forum, and I don’t care to do the same to my loved ones either… so I am sparing the intimate details of what happened because as angry as I am, I still love my sister and I don’t want her vilified by strangers.

The censored and abridged version is that everything was going very well until The Boyfriend batted his eyes in just the right away, and she was all-too-eager to run back for another “This time”. At the end of her hurricane of utter bullshit it I am left feeling furious, sad, and humiliated. I just keep getting fooled – I keep letting myself get fooled. I’m angry that I continue to put my trust in her even when I suspect she’s lying, and if it was only me she was hurting maybe it wouldn’t be so bad… but my kids have gone to bed crying every time she’s been here for the last six months due to her lies and broken promises, and I can’t even try to explain to them whats happening because they idolize her and neither of us want our kids hating their own family. At the same time, I can’t keep doing that to them – I can’t keep letting someone do this to them. It infuriates me that she seems to have no problem with it as long as The Boyfriend is the reason for her behaviour. She never used to act like this, and never did before him. It’s like he’s gone into her brain and absolutely warped her, and now she won’t get out. He’s an abusive narcissist and he needs her to be his mirror, and she has enough fresh baggage that she needs his abuse to validate the scripts her mother wrote for her.

I think I’m done. I’m done participating in the cycle and being used. I will love her as long as I live and I will be here when she’s finished with this, but I’m done being used as her reprieve so she can shit all over it and run back 24 hours later. At this point it’s going to take a goddamn mountain of apologies to make this better, and quite frankly I don’t even think she’s willing to even try.

Even her mother tried to be nice this time. Her mother. She was going to send money to us to help support her while she stayed. Seriously. Seriously! She didn’t even do that once the entire time Marika was living with us full time. I just…. can’t.

She needs to get her shit together and stop burning bridges, because she’s only got about 27 weeks left before she’ll need the people on the other side more than she ever has in her life.

Comments

comments

58 Comments

  • melly4924 says:

    I’ve been following you for awhile and whenever I see you post about Marika it reminds me of my own crazy relationship with my younger brother.

    It’s really hard when it comes to siblings and their bullshit once you have a family. Totally opposite of your situation but I know how you feel, my little brother who is 21 now robbed my house last September when we were away. He just came clean that he did it in January. He’s been on drugs and he stole for drug money. I don’t know if and when I will ever forgive him, and he hasn’t even begun to appologize yet. There was a time I would do anything to help him and I believed in him and that he could be clean when others did not, sadly he proved me wrong for now. He is probably going to jail in a few weeks and I’m hoping he can turn his life around. Though my trust in him won’t be restored for a long time, to much hurt!

    My point is that siblings don’t always act as we want them to and no matter what they do to us directly we will always love them, we just sometimes have to take care our own families first. I hope your sister comes to her senses and will realize what she needs most is the support of her family! I don’t know if this helped but your not alone when it comes to crazy family situations and drama!

  • door says:

    Poor Baby-To-Be. I hope he/she comes out fighting.

    Like you. 🙂

  • pizzabelly says:

    Oh my, I don’t know how I missed this entry. I don’t have any words that haven’t already been said, but I’m really hoping for the best, for everybody involved.

    My heart is heavy for this situation 🙁

  • yolen says:

    Well, SHIT. I’m so sorry.

  • I will be thinking the best thoughts for you and your family. *Hugs*

  • Anonymous says:

    Do you think if CPS gets involved would her mother get the baby? Would you be an option?

    • admin says:

      If CAS got involved for some reason, I don’t think there’s any way in hell her mother would get the baby. I don’t know how the system work with that stuff, but I believe we could petition for custody. If we were awarded it, I don’t know that we’d be allowed to have Marika live with us (or even visit without supervision, or appointments) due to protection laws.

  • bicrim says:

    Oh, no. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this, and I’m sorry that she is going to have such a horrendous awakening in a few months. It’s possible that having a child will give her the courage to leave for good, but who the hell knows at this point. I think you are doing the right thing by making your kids and your sanity the first priority, and you have nothing whatsoever to apologize for. You have been so good to her, and on some level, she knows that. This is a good time for the serenity prayer, I think.

  • I don’t know what to say.

    The only thing I keep thinking is she’s too young but that doesn’t even begin to cover it.

    It’s the strangest thing; you’re this person with a life so different from mine and I often wonder why I’ve been reading your blog for so many years. It’s only now I realise that I read it because through your words you’ve shown me that people can defy the statistics (abuse, childhood traumas, etc).

    And here’s your baby sister conforming to them.

    And that’s why I completely understand why you’re done.

  • uneko says:

    also I’m sorry D: I understand so very well being enraged at those you love. 🙁 I’m sorry you have to feel that way also….

  • uneko says:

    I wonder.. I don’t have a kid, I don’t have a sister, I don’t UNDERSTAND… parenting. but…

    I wonder if you should tell her this. I mean.. flat out confront her with what she’s doing to you, and more importantly, what she’s doing to the kids. It’s very easy to think “they won’t care if I’m gone.” … it’s a lot harder when you’re faced with the fact and the truth that she has broken promises and hurt hearts. A hard dose of reality can go miles, sometimes in making someone aware that the world extends beyond themselves. As well as helping her realizing that her cushion she falls into MIGHT not be there next time.

    I just don’t know.

  • It’s hard to see someone you love making themselves a world of pain. I had to cut off my mother recently. I hate saying no when someone needs help in general and I hate more saying no when it is someone I love. But it was the same situation in a way – my kids kept being left with broken promises and lies and I realized that I was teaching them how the cycle worked rather than how to break the cycle. So the next time she asked I told her that it was out of the question until we had worked out the issues that she had brought into my life. She didn’t like that I wasn’t taking equal responsibility for her games so we haven’t really spoken since. Not the same but the stress with that and other things actually moved my bones out of alignment about a month ago. I had to spend money I don’t have to get a chiropractor to help me so I could walk again. I don’t suffer from chronic pain really (other than stress related back pain) but I get the whole when you are in pain everyday then you lose your ability to relate to others thing. Even in that short space of time I was someone I didn’t like at all. I hate not being useful (my definition for me, I don’t apply it to others…yep, I know that’s a problem and it can wait in line with my other issues…) so I went nuts. You are not alone in this, if that helps. And with 3 kids, there is no chance of getting enough alone time to compose yourself… There is this – once I took that first step, I was still worried and upset for her but I was better able to compartmentalize these things as her problems as opposed to mine. I was better able to see how I could truly help her and make safe boundaries for myself and my kids. Some of the stress slipped away just by exercising my right to say no. Some more left when I put the whole situation into context – what gains were made by each person in either situation. When I said yes, I allowed her to continue her destructive cycle, I opened my kids up to being hurt and taught them how to enable someone. When I said no, I helped her realize that there are consequences to her actions, I protected my kids and showed them how to civilly draw a line (not an ultimatum). So I see how it’s hard and painful and frustrating and I want to encourage you to stick to your resolution, not out of anger but out of love for yourself, her and your family. I hope this doesn’t sound preachy. I’m a little tired and I get communication impaired when that happens.

  • satinworship says:

    How old is your sister, out of curiosity?

    I also agree that you have a right to be angry. Like, I have a lot of problems with my mother-in-law (she is actually in a similar situation, but too old to get pregnant), and she acts like a child and is sometimes downright mean to me because I won’t let her walk all over me. And a lot of people are like, “You should give her a break, you should be the bigger person.” Why? Why does it always have to be me? Why the fuck can’t we just be mad at our families when they act like douche nozzles?

  • rachelyn says:

    My sister is due April 4th with a little boy. Her bf is similar in description to the boyfriend. It breaks my heart that no matter how mug love and support we show there is very little that we can do. I hope for your sister the same I hope for mine. And for the little ones entering this life into turmoil I say prayers for.
    You should
    Beer be judged for tryin to help and you will never be judged my me for saying enough is enough.

  • bluealoe says:

    I only know the tiniest bit of what’s going on with Marika, but I don’t judge you at all. You’ve done SO much for her, far beyond what anyone would ever expect. And you have to protect yourself and your kids, and while it would be ideal to do that while also protecting Marika, sometimes that’s not possible. I’m just sorry it’s gotten to the point where you have to choose.

    I mean, geez. When even her MOTHER is being supportive…that’s some serious shit.

    On chronic pain: I watched my dad slowly turn into a cranky, short-tempered, exhausted, fed-up old man as chronic pain took its toll. And as soon as he got his hip replacements (which didn’t erase all the pain, but helped tremendously), it was a total transformation, back to the joking, smiling, fun-loving man. I had my dad back again, and it was wonderful. So yeah…chronic pain can seriously mess with you. I’m thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

  • I just. And she’s. And I’m out of words

  • thehobbit says:

    I am so sorry on so many levels. Being a staunch optimist I am of course hoping for the best. I have a sister many years younger than me and I remember her as the black haired, black eyed baby who’d chase me for my ice cream and I made her laugh first and…I don’t even know who she is anymore.

    I am a giant wall to her and I want to be a landing space but I don’t and can’t trust her and now having kids means I don’t and won’t let them trust her. Which sounds cruel but really. I’m so sorry. I hope she comes around. I hope for the best.

  • smellykaka says:

    I feel sadly that your duty to your children and yourself outweighs your duty to your sister now.

    • admin says:

      I agree, but it is a very hard realization to come to. :-/ I don’t like to choose between, and would rather embrace all, but her recent actions have made that extremely difficult and that’s part of what’s so incredibly infuriating about this.

  • azdesertrose says:

    Oh jeez. WTF is that child thinking? (Marika, I mean.)

    I’m sorry your family is going through this, and I hope Marika comes to her senses before it’s too late for her and her child.

  • I know this is impossible for you to see right now, but please remember that the things she is doing are not done to hurt you but because she was raised by wolves. I’m not even joking. She’s broken, and broken people don’t just suddenly up and be whole. This learning curve will be hard and painful for her and she may not make it through intact, right? But it’s not about hurting you. Don’t take it to heart sounds so lame but – don’t take it to heart.

    • admin says:

      I am not unaware of that, but there is a limit to what I am permitting myself – and my children – to take.

      Eta: also, fwiw, while she was living with us she did a lot of healing both through family and through therapy with an outside source. IT was painful, difficult, but manageable. It has only been with the influence of Boyfriend that she has become this, and that has been a very slow, painful and absolutely agonizingly horrible process with many MANY hurts that I have not chosen to document either publicly or privately. This is the end of a long, long, long line of lies and bullshit from her, including manipulating and emotionally abusing my children.

  • Anonymous says:

    “It may seem unfair to be angry at someone in her situation, and I’m sure someone will be thrilled to tell me what a poor excuse for a human being I am”

    I don’t think it’s unfair to be angry at all. The root of anger is frustration, and you have certainly had that from her. Unresolved frustration has a way of magnifying and twisting itself into simmering anger. It hurts to watch somebody you love do something so…blatantly self-destructive. The solution seems so obvious from the outside but I know that it is nowhere near obvious from the inside.

    I, personally, would never judge you negatively for finally deciding you have had enough. I know that doesn’t mean much coming from an Internet Stranger, but please know that not everybody who doesn’t know the whole story thinks you’re at any sort of fault in this situation. You have had so much more patience with her than I think I could have. I realize families support each other but there is always a limit. I also feel like you are justified in wanting to protect your children from the heartache of her coming and going. She might not be in her right mind about the adults and the priorities in her life but hopefully she will understand the effect she has having on your children. Hopefully. At this point it may just take time, I really have no idea what to say. That sort of fizzled out, sorry.

  • twirlgrrl says:

    Oh, MAN. 27 weeks, huh? Well, shit.

    • admin says:

      27 weeks left, she’s approximately 13 weeks.

      • twirlgrrl says:

        Yeah, I got that, I just… I mean, it’s always thrilling to welcome a new baby into the world, and I don’t mean to be a bitch. I just really empathize with a lot of what you’ve said here, and the pregnancy really complicates the picture, not to mention increases the number of people likely to get hurt by one.

        Also, I’m very sorry you’re in the pain/pain meds/prescription trap. It’s one of those health care problems I’d really, really LOVE to see dealt with in a more logical, compassionate way.

  • mammaopal says:

    Oh no! She’s having a child with the awful, abusive, alcoholic boyfriend??
    I’m so sorry to hear that. 🙁

    And I’m also sorry to hear that you’re in pain, Heather. I wish there was something that could take it away that wouldn’t leave you a heroin addict. 🙁

    • admin says:

      It’s not even his first child. He left his last girlfriend almost the instant they found out she was pregnant.

      • mammaopal says:

        So he’s trying to stick around this time? Do you think it would be better if he just took off and left her a single Mother?

        So where is she now?

        • admin says:

          Honestly? Yes I think it would be A LOT better if he took off. So much better.

          He’s a naracisisst, as I said. He needs her because it makes him feel better to be a fuckwad to her all day long. He has no interest in being a real father (as seen by how he “parents” his other child, who is about 1 and lives like 10 minutes away), he just needs Marika to stay his doormat. He flipped when she decided to keep the baby, then backpedaled after she threatened to leave and pretended it was awesome.

        • admin says:

          re: where is she now –
          Back with him, in their apartment, in another city and a boat ride away.

  • bazo0ka says:

    Wow… Marika, what happened?!?! 🙁 I can’t imagine how heartbroken you must feel, and well.. every kind of emotion!! You have been so supportive, just to get the door slammed in your face on her way back. 🙁 I hope something changes, for her, and for you guys…

  • mami_chilena says:

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…
    I am so angry for you. Wtf is she EVEN thinking??
    I thought it would have given her a red flag when K was showed her concern..

  • tmuses says:

    Before I got to the end of this post, I thought “I hope she doesn’t have kids while she is so weak. She may end up being like her mom.” And then this? Say it isn’t so.

  • Have I missed something is she pregnant?

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