Five straight days of seeing the sun come up due to insomnia. I hate those chipper fucking birds. They mock me with their chipper happiness and their twittering and facebooking tweetering.
No matter what I do to try and shift my internal clock I can’t seem to get myself on any sort of proper sleep schedule. I’ll find myself still wide awake at 5:30am and say, “the hell with this” and just stay up on through until whenever I actually get tired (usually around 7-8am), take a nap, and I’m still up until fucking 6am the next night. Twice I tried just sleeping whenever I was tired; taking a couple of on-and-off catnaps in the afternoon as well as the evening (no more than an hour) and still… 6am. I’ve tried forcing myself to lay in bed at midnight, staring at nothing, tossing and turning. 6am. Gravol two hours before bed, one hour before bed, normal dose and double doses. Melatonin, holy basil, catnip tea, Rescue Remedy… 6am. I have even tried a glass of the sherry Curtis bought for cooking to see if that helps, and still I’m up with the birds. I’ve tried showers, meditation, sex, music, white noise, reading, videos, knitting, playing games, watching TV, doing nothing, doing myself – nothing changes. FUCK THIS SLEEPING BULLSHIT. I am so over insomnia. Just another reason for me to want this baby to get here; I’ll actually get more sleep.
I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but I always sleep better with a newborn than I do at literally any other point in my life. New babies that suckle and squirm all night long force me into exhaustion and I end up sleeping more often and more readily than I normally do. Babies have a way of regulating your body if you relax and stop trying to fight them on it. Cosleeping does a world of good for me.

Speaking of baby…

I am 35.5 weeks now. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?

Progression chart thingy:

Curtis told me the other night that I very suddenly got bigger again and it’s really noticeable. After she dropped I seemed to shrink by several inches, but now I’m growing back into my shape. She’s much more round and high than Xan was, so I feel like I’m way smaller this time around even though I’m probably about the same… maybe a little smaller, since she’s not as fat as he was.

// TMI //
I tried to check my cervix this afternoon, but unfortunately it’s still pretty posterior. I can sort of touch it, but not truly feel how open it is. Ever since Fuzz dropped it’s been too far back for me to reach; she pushed it way up and back on her way down. It’s about 50% effaced and very, very soft. When I could last feel it, before she dropped, it was a wide open 1.5-2cm, so I’m thinking it’s probably around the same. It’s a touch more forward from last week so my sitting and lunging exercises appear to be working; I’ve been trying to move my cervix forward during all those irritable uterus contractions I have all day long in hopes that everything will be aligned when the big day comes. That was part of the problems that contributed to my very long and difficult labour with Tempest, and since hindsight is 20/20 I’m doing what I can to prevent those circumstances from happening again.

Fuzz’s head is now way, way down and very firmly engaged. I can’t move that sucker at all. I could still bounce Xan’s head even as close to an hour before his birth, while in active labour, but this girl is lodged like a rock in my pelvis. Tempest was like this at the end of pregnancy, too: very ‘textbook’ ready. Though, for being the “most ready” of all my pregnancies, Tempest took the longest and worked the hardest to get out… so that tells you how much that bullshit actually means when it comes down to the details.
From what I can feel there’s no hand above Fuzzbaby’s head, so hopefully she’ll be born head-first and not fist-first like her sister was. That was a pain in the twat ass.

// end TMI //

Nausea is worse, heartburn is worse, insomnia is worse, back pain is worse. I’ve also seen a return of that weird painful vulvular thing that I experienced in early pregnancy. There has been no new developments over the last few weeks that has been particularly positive other than the ability to interact with her a little more as she kicks and rolls about. I am decidedly unimpressed with end-stage pregnancy.

Yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day with bright, beautiful sunshine and warmer temperatures. It makes me think we’re truly getting out of this dark winter, and it reminds me that baby is coming soon. We’ve had this on-again-off-again rain with a touch of sunshine thing that’s been going on for the last few weeks; it’s a cocktease and as a result the whole town has blue balls for spring. We could really use a nice, long, hot summer.
Regardless, we took advantage of the nice day by going out for a long walk and stopping by our favourite cafe for Italian sodas and little cream puffs for the kids. We normally do not have sweets except for specified treat days, but the warm sunshine constitutes a special occasion.

Yesterday it was back to being rainy and cold again, so our plans for a drawn-out outdoor Ostare celebration was cut short and instead we did a quick candy hunt in the front yard. We didn’t buy any of the candy supplies until late Sunday, which turned out to be a brilliant idea because everything was on clearance and we got a major haul for $13 – it allowed us to afford to get the kids each a big giant solid bunny. They’ll be chipping away at that shit for weeks.
I love doing the candy hunts with the kids, even though the inevitable sugar high makes us immediately regret that we ever allowed artificial colours into the house. Tempest was particularly godawful through the rest of the evening, to the point where we had to hold her down to brush her teeth, have her removed from Xan’s presence for over an hour to stop their fighting, and swear on our lives that they’d never have chocolate again as long as they live.

Same time next year though, right?

Some recent crafting:

I’m still working on Tempest’s helldress and at this point I expect it to be finished sometime around the time she enters college.
I’ve actually managed to get myself into a good pattern of knitting a few rows of the skirt every night, which is way more attention than I’ve given it in the previous months. I had to put it down and move it away – far away – in order to get enough perspective to remember what it was like to genuinely want to see the finished project. Now that I’ve managed to accomplish that, I can start slowly chipping away at it again. So far, so good: this attempt is going much better than the previous ones and it looks much more proportionate after I adapted the pattern with my own ideas (I added 1/3 extra stitches, started in the round with a provisional cast on and then threw in a decrease round before starting on the skirt). There’s the tiniest, barely notable indent where the bodice meets the skirt, and depending on how it looks once it’s done and blocked I may hide it by adding a cabled belt or tie in the contrasting colour. Yay, more work.
This time I didn’t stitch on the sleeves or collar because I don’t want to piece it together until it’s done, lest I make more mistakes and need to rip the whole fucking thing up for the 40th time.

This is what it looks like so far (sans sleeves), with a detail of the twisting cable. I really love the cable design; so pretty.

Curtis has been much more productive wit his crafting. He finished the veggie platter for the kids and it’s so, so fucking cute.


Clockwise from the top: ranch dip, stuffed olives, cauliflower florets, cherry tomatoes, cucumber slices, broccoli florets, baby carrots and celery slices.

He also started on a fruit platter, but didn’t end up finishing the entire thing. So they got a few slices of their favourites: watermelon, apples, persimmon (not a favourite, just an experiment) and pinapple (not pictured).

Also, two nigiris seen at the bottom. He was going to do a full set of sushi but lost interest part way through and we returned the pattern book to the library. He said he’ll probably take it out again once the inspiration strikes him.

I finished a side-slip cloche for my mom made with a soft yarn in a creamy, off-white colour. It’s so retro and cute, I love it. I wish I had a head mold to block it on, but whatever…

It was supposed to have matching gloves, but I misread the tension information and ended up making hand tents instead… so they were ripped back.

I also finally got around to taking photos of the armadillo I finished earlier this month. It’s been played with on a daily basis for several weeks, and has already undergone one repair, but it’s still looking pretty good. The kids love him. Tempest demands I make her a pink one with a purple ‘shell’.

Quote of the day:
All day long Curtis and I had been teasing and alluding to having sex later, but unfortunately for me at around 9pm my back went into spasm leaving me totally useless for hours. I came up for air at around midnight when I decided after unsuccessfully trying to nap in total agony for two hours that I would take my breakthrough meds. As Curtis handed them to me he said, “That also means no pushing yourself. I don’t want you to do anything that would make your back worse…” he’s not so good with being direct about sex, so this is his way of saying he’s refusing me.
“But I really, really, really want to have sex,” I pouted.
“Are you pouting? Next are you going to hold your breath until I agree?”
“Will it work?”

Tempestism of the day:
While playing Super Mario Galaxy 2: “Daddy, how is that Mario can break the laws of gravity?”.

Links of the Day:
FedExpressed milk for Elton John and David’s son – Fathers of the year award goes to… Sir Elton John and his partner are doting fathers who have their surrogate mother’s breastmilk shipped over from the USA to feed their four month old son, who is exclusively breastfed! Talk about an awesome commitment on everyone’s part!
How to make a lion cub go to sleep – your daily dose of cute.
Birthrights: the risk of choice – The much awaited, but short (24 mins), Al Jazeera documentary about rising cesarean rates and the toll it takes on mothers and babies… also with fantastic cameo from Jill, who authors The Unnecesarean blog. Two things struck me by the end of this:
1. Everything about the female ob/gyn who is interviewed. This is exactly why we have this problem.
2. The two women who were grossly misled about their risk factors (the “cord round the neck” woman, and the “no one makes choices for me” woman who was told that her risk of rupture was higher than her overall risks with a repeat cesarean. She seems so confident that she made the safest choice… and in fact she was yet another woman who was lied to and manipulated. Very sad, and very unfortunate. DISCLAIMER: the reason I say this is because she specifically says she made this choice based on risk. I would not feel this way if she’d made the choice out of convenience or other elective reasons, as it’s not truly fair, or possible, to judge another’s choice that was based on comfort or preference).
Birth trauma – This is footage put together by and for a chiropractic center, so that aspect is take it or leave it depending on how you feel about the subject, but what I’m linking this for are images of babies experiencing physical birth trauma in the average birth setting (hospital). As the narrator discusses common birth injuries from torque and rotation, we see images of “natural birth” and “common birth” in USA hospitals; images provided by patients of the clinic through home videos of their birth experience. It made me physically uncomfortable to watch. It’s horrifying to realize that kind of manhandling of a baby is considered normal and acceptable, and once you watch it, it’s hard to believe any doctor could consider those actions safe. It makes me thankful that Tempest and Xan were delivered without intervention, and it makes me upset to think that this is how Jericho was introduced to his brief life. I wish only gentle hands had touched him.




  • therachel says:

    I love that armadillo oh so much. pretty photos mama, your belly is just gorgeous.

  • gardenmama says:

    If you’re going to have insomnia no matter what you do, you might as well be playing the most addicting game ever. Check out

  • lottiekate says:

    That story about Elton Jon and family made me so happy. In the pictures of them together they have that first time parent glow, looking like the moon has just dropped into their laps.

    No 2 son was born with the cord round his neck. The hospital I went to have midwife led delivery’s but a doctor is always present for the last fifteen minutes or so. In most cases they stand quietly in the corner, do nothing and congratulate you once the baby is born. In my case, my son was stuck and the doctor, midwife and I worked together to deliver the baby. The doctor took over to deal with the cord and the whole matter was dealt with in the most gentle and respectful way possible which, when you consider there was a roomful of doctors working on my son by this point, is quite an achievement. They put him on my chest to monitor him, which helped both of us I think and not once was he taken away from me. I guess I was lucky in that respect. He’s now a very cheeky, bright and independent three year old.

  • gen_here says:

    semi OT

    I watched the birth trauma video last week when a midwife friend posted it on FB. It got me thinking about my births (2 planned hospital – thankfully not like that video at all, one planned hb-turned-transfer – with an ass of an on-call OB who did some shady things without actually physically hurting anyone, thank God), and how this last one in particular turned out.

    Do you know of any communities on here or places across the interwebs (other than MDC) where one can work through a rather unhappy birth/birth story that did NOT end up as a c-section? I was a member of both homebirth (it wasn’t) and natural birth (it didn’t end up that was after the 3rd day of labor) – so I can’t post it in either of those places. And I don’t want to link from my journal because I don’t want to leave it as a public entry (there are some people in my life that don’t need to have access to it). I wish I felt that I could hash it out with my midwife, but that relationship hasn’t turned out as I would have hoped, and I feel like I’m pretty much being left to work through it on my own… and that’s not working.

    Thanks for any ideas. – t

  • timmytm says:

    What’s new now will be old, retro, and cherished in the years to come.

  • fireandair84 says:

    You look fantastic! I think when I hit 35.5 weeks, I was pretty much a beached whale wherever I sat. πŸ™‚

    I can totally sympathize with the pregnancy insomnia. Last year was particularly rainy and my daughter was constantly doing what we called her “rain dance” between 2-4 in the morning every night like clockwork.

    I love the projects you’ve been working on. I’ve just started to learn to knit and it’s been going rather slowly. I’m still trying to figure out a proper cast on and feel like a total dunce. The dress, the armadillo, and the fruit salad are so cute it’s inspiring. I’ll figure out this damn thing eventually.

    I also really appreciate the links you post–I think I’ve learned more about birth from your blog than from a lot of other websites. I told my husband I want our next baby to be born at home but he’s not on board…yet.

  • 35.5 weeks…and you still have a bellybutton!

    (Or am I the one person who would get that comment? :/)

  • You always have the best links about birth, breastfeeding, etc. Do you have any sites or feeds you’d recommend following to have access to the same stories? I am going back to school to pursue an eventual CNM qualification and I’m trying to do as much “on my own” perpetual research as I can, starting with a solid base of reliable and interesting websites pertaining to birth and the experience of it.

  • gngr says:

    The “hand tents” and “pain in the twat” had me rolling. πŸ™‚

  • LMAO! The thought of Tempest coming out ala superman/woman cracks me up. Sorry it sucked, I hope too that #4 will do as you wish!

    I keep trying to feel for any more effacement but … I am thinking my arms need to be longer. lol. We are almost exactly the same week. πŸ™‚

  • bluealoe says:

    I wish I could give you some sort of magic insomnia cure, but I’m sure that whatever I’d suggest you’ve already tried. So I’ll just say that I hope you get some sleep soon.

    The egg hunt looks like so much fun. And every time I see a picture of Xan I wish I could introduce him to my nephew. Then run away really fast…they both have that mischievous streak.

    Ooooh, the cabling on the dress looks beautiful. I’d never tried doing cables, it looks intimidating.

    The second picture of you with the hat looks like a 1920s movie star. Seriously.

  • _tzigane says:

    I think this is an apt description of yesterday ” it’s a cocktease and as a result the whole town has blue balls for spring”

  • thehobbit says:

    I don’t know if they are, but Neil Patrick Harris and his partner also had donor breast milk (perhaps from the Mom of their children I’m not sure) for their pair of twins. High five gay celebrity couples! I wish the breastfeeding community wasn’t so active sometimes or I’d go hunt down the video of Neil Patrick who sort of picks on a reporter for stating her choice to breastfeed is personal and doesn’t want to talk about it. It sounds mean of him, but as she was pregnant and they were on the topic he asked. The fact that she balked was strange to me.

  • That one picture of Tempest walking across is slaying me with laughter because she is totally almost doing the Leo Strut:

  • danica says:

    I love that you’re charting your cervix. I charted mine to get pregnant, then tracked it while I was pregnant, then, when I woke up 40weeks pregnant to the DAY with mild cramps, I ran myself a bath at 2am, checked my cervix, it was still high, with each cramp, the cervix came down, but only slightly, then all of a sudden my cervix had come shooting down and had a head pushing it, opening up, start to finish, 24 minute unassisted home water birth.
    My midwives didn’t think I could check my own cervix, o felt it through every step of labour and delivery. It was pretty cool.

  • jenrose1 says:

    35.5 weeks… Nuh uh.


    And sleep… I can never sleep at night while pregnant. I was looking forward to delicious newborn nursing sleep with Shiny, but no.

    We’ll see this time.

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