Curtis and my tenth anniversary is coming up. Ten years married. It’s really, really insane to think I started writing a blog here back in ’99, a full three years before I got married, and now I’m coming up on my tenth anniversary soon. How did we manage to be married for this long? Has all this really happened? Weren’t we just kids not that long ago? Where did these children come from? I have a job? I only have just recently started feeling like I’m a real, live grown up… how did a ten year thing get thrown in there so fast?

Not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate how fortunate we were to find each other, and to have the opportunity to fall in love… but I won’t say we’re fortunate to be together this long: having a good partnership has nothing to do with luck. It’s hard work, and there are times where it’s necessary to make sacrifices, take risks, embarrass yourself and be able to check your ego. There are ups and downs to all relationships, whether or not they make it far… I’ll never claim our relationship is anywhere close to perfect (because it’s far from it), but there are many days where I can honestly say it really feels like it couldn’t get any better. Today is one of those days where I feel incredibly blessed.
We’ve gone through so much together, and I feel that without trudging through those dark times we wouldn’t have been gifted with the strength to keep us together. I wouldn’t recommend anyone put themselves in peril or anything, but I’m truly grateful for the range of experiences we’ve had as a couple; I’m grateful that our relationship has not been all sunshine and roses so that we could have the opportunity to teach each other how to communicate, open, trust and learn to ask the other for help when it’s needed. It took a long time to see it that way, but creating a positive outlook has changed the way we see our darkest times, and the way we see each other when we’re having dark days.

It’s amazing to me to look at Curtis and see him across time: from a shy chubby boy under a tree and an awkward first kiss, making love for the first time under the Northern Lights, giving birth to Tempest while listening to his heartbeat… all the way to laying on the couch together this afternoon and running my fingers through his thinning hair, admiring the crows feet just beginning to form at the sides of his eyes. Maybe it’s crazy to love discovering such little signs of aging, but I do; they make my heart soar. Each one is another reminder of how long I’ve loved him, and how far we’ve come. I don’t see mortality and a loss of youth: I see appreciation, history, blessings and excitement for what is to come.
Everything I’ve ever wanted to experience in life I’ve done with him at my side, and he’s been a part of my life for so long that I can barely remember what it’s like without him there… I can’t imagine him not being there.

I know I’m extra emotional from pregnancy hormones, but part of the fun of going through planning our tenth is how often I spontaneously tear up from the joy of realizing how wonderful it is to be here.

Alright, enough of this gush fest and onto the more exciting parts: party planning. We’re set for July 28th, 2012: ten years and a day (reminiscent of the ‘year and a day’ handfasting commitment ceremony). It also happens to fall on a Saturday, which is a bonus.
I’ve started canvasing photographers, we’ve started putting together a guest list, searching sites for ideas… it’s ridiculously fun. I forgot how awesome this is. It’s like planning a really nice wedding, but without the stress, crazy budget and family drama.
A few months ago we talked about having a theme and a few weeks ago decided it’d be vintage. Since our wedding was all period wear, it sort of ‘goes’.

So, like fate, as soon as we decided on that as a dress/party theme Curtis found this amazing (authentic!) 1930’s Al Capone-style Gangster suit in blue pinstripe with ultra huge lapels and black and white wingtip shoes to match and completely flipped his shit. He actually squeed and leapt up out of his chair to drag me over. Unfortunately the one he found sold, but now that we know what we’re looking for I think we can easily find more just like it. Menswear is considerably easier to obtain. Add in a matching fedora and it’ll be a fucking amazing package.
Shortly after his discovery, I found [this dress] and I want it SO BAD. It’s so perfect I almost want to buy it now – BUT on top of being already sold I fear that deciding on an outfit now will screw me later because I’ll find something ‘more perfect’ within the next year and a half.
[This dress] is also amazing, but it doesn’t quite give me the vibe the other one does.

It is unbelievably fun to start thinking about the little details of costumes and decor. We want to do a wine and cheese party, as opposed to a sit down dinner or a buffet; all hors d’oeuvres and nice wines, vintage tea sets with fine tears, crumpets and jellies, mismatched antique China on the tables and so on… I want to ask people to come in vintage wear as I’m pretty sure it’s more readily available and cheaper than the Renaissance costumes that ALMOST NO ONE CAME IN for our wedding.
Even more fun is planning on the kids clothes: Xan will have a little gangster suit with suspenders and hat, and Tempest in a tea-length or ballerina style party dress.

See what I mean? Ridiculously exciting.


On the other hand: being sickish is not very exciting. I love asthma, because it makes everything hang around in your lungs for fucking WEEKS long after you’re not “actually” sick anymore. So Xan and I keep coughing and breathing all fucked up for three months through the winter season following our first cold. Problem is we still have to function during that time, and everyone around us acts like we’re assholes for being “sick” and going outside or shopping or some shit as though we’re carrying the plague. Allergies garner much of the same reaction, except I actually ‘shed’ (snot) and look all puffy and gross. I get so tired of the ridiculous amount of tongue-clucking at my audacity to continue living and breathing while suffering from the effects a fucking life-long condition that does not affect anyone else in any way; it’s like no one has ever heard of asthma and allergies, and has no idea what living with them entails. I’ll make it simple: you look and act like you’re ill for pretty much the entire winter (or/and summer, if you’re also blessed with environmental allergies), but you’re not actually contagious so back the fuck off. If I was as sick as I looked I woudn’t be getting out of bed, fool.

ANYWAY.

I appeared to only actually have a cold for three or four days some time ago now, but the after effects have hung around for weeks in my lungs and my head. It zoomed through the house rather fast and everyone else was just barely down for about three to four days, maximum.
I can’t shake a godawful sinus migraine no matter what I throw at it, and it makes me exhausted. I sleep all day and have feverish dreams in spite of the fact that I don’t have a fever. I didn’t even have a fever before when I was having those delusional dreams that I wrote about in the last entry – explain that one to me!
I’m so sick of hanging around the house sleeping, so after considering all afternoon Curtis and I decided to stuff ourselves with Tylenol (and decongestants for me) and go see The Deathly Hallows. I almost never take cold medicine, generally not even while sick… but I thought I might have a chance of breaking up the sinus migraine. No dice. It sort of dulled it for a few hours but it came back with a vengeance when I got home and kept me up until dawn. I didn’t want to stare at a computer screen but I couldn’t sleep, so instead I set up a photo shoot in the corner of my bedroom with a desk lamp and attempted to take some pregnancy photos. Fortunately for me Curtis sleeps like a log and won’t wake up even to frequent camera bulb flashes and the high-pitched electronic scream of the SB800 when it’s powered up.

But before I get into that: DEATHLY HALLOWS WAS AWESOME. It was so worth going. I found it so much better than the last few movies. From Goblet of Fire onward I felt the pacing was very fast and the storyline very scattered. It was hard to follow and felt very rushed. This one had none of those problems, was visually wonderful and had only one scene in it that I felt was totally unnecessary (you’ll know it when you see it. Spoiler-free hint: I realize the actors aren’t actually underage, but still… it’s fucking creepy and unnecessary).

When we arrived at the theatre the evening had just began to make an interesting turn: snow had started falling. We don’t usually get snow (and by ‘don’t usually’ I mean ‘almost never’). Unfortunately, it didn’t stick around; when we emerged from the theatre some three hours later the roads were slick with moisture and our car had a fine covering of sleety, wet, ice-like substance that held only a slight resemblance to the evening’s earlier snowy gift. All the weather reports say we should expect an actual snowfall sometime this weekend, but I’m not getting my hopes up. Despite living in Canada, where we’re rumoured to get all the snow the US doesn’t, we generally only get a real snowfall once every ten years with a smattering of one-hour flurries every few years in-between that.

Back to the photo thing: when the sinus medicine attempt at kicking my migraine wore off I took ibuprofen and tylenol and waited to see if that would work. It wasn’t until nearly 6am that I started to feel well enough to sleep. Lack of sleep leaves me feel ill all day and I’m left nauseous, tired and still damned asthmatic and you get the picture… my voice only just came back after losing it for days following the scream-fest I had at Psycho Ex, so I was an image of perfect health. It’s easier to just say, “I’m sick as a dog” rather than explain each piece of sick-but-not-sick, because in the end I still feel like shit all the same.
ANY FUCKING WAY.
I have some updated belly pictures to post. The last ones I put up were taken at 9.5 weeks, and since then I seem to have lost a lot of belly bloat and have shrunk considerably. This always happens when I hit the second trimester. Without the bloat I look slightly more triangular, but not much larger. I don’t feel like I’ve gotten bigger at all, but Curtis swears I have. My breasts have sure gotten bigger… I just ordered an F32 bra off Ebay and when it arrived it was way, way too small. My two remaining G32’s are a little tight in the cup, too. This part sucks. Or rather, it doesn’t suck yet, and once it does it’ll actually become easier to fit into a bra.

I cannot stay on topic to save my life.


November 20th, 13.5 weeks – Second trimester, baby!

ETA: I forgot to add in my comparison chart thing.

Now that I’m in my second trimester, shit gets better right? RIGHT? I’m so nauseated/exhausted/weepy/horny, I could really use some food/functionality/stability/excessive amounts of sex. I am so sick of this constant nausea shit; I’d forgotten how miserable pregnancy can be. At least I can feel the baby moving now. It’s not all the time, and not often enough for me to feel truly reassured by it… but I do feel something at least one or two times a day. I can’t wait to get to the better part of pregnancy with the bigger belly and a baby I can poke and watch move around under my skin.

Once I updated my standard belly photo folder and realized my headache wasn’t yet gone, I decided I might as well get a little more creative. I turned off my lighting gear and brought out a desk lamp pointed against the corner of my room, then exposed for the wall and tried a few angles. I’m working with a self-timer and need to get out of position, walk up to the camera and physically check the LCD between each shot so it took a while to figure out how to get what I wanted, but I eventually got it.
I’m really loving this image, though nudity is sort of visible in the form of a nipple shadow so consider yourself warned.

It’s weird to admit that I’m glad I thought to start documenting my pregnancy in a more natural state, if only for myself to see. Even though it’s not that interesting to do at the time, it’s really cool to be able to look back at my changing body and see how everything came together; it makes me appreciate it all the more. And I know I’ll really love it later on down the line, long after this baby is born, around the time I wished I’d done something like this with my earlier pregnancies and had barely more but a few bathroom mirror self-portraits.

Links of the Day:
“You can’t birth breech twins vaginally”, wanna bet? – An unplanned, unmedicated breech vaginal birth of twins at a hospital. Gorgeous.
Privilege Denying Dude – The best new image meme.
Have yourself a very sexist holiday – A fantastic article and small research project on gendered images and marketing in toy catalogues.

Comments

comments

72 Comments

  • frogger414 says:

    Love the belly shots, they are so beautiful!

    I was due in June this year with my baby and I have chronic sinus issues. They flared up so hard around this time of my pregnancy so I went and saw my ENT. He had me start irrigating my sinuses out with a saline solution and it really made a difference. I would just do it in the shower and it helped a lot. /end unsolicited advice

    Either way, I hope you find relief πŸ™‚

  • altarflame says:

    1. EVERYONE was sick.
    2. I actually like the second dress better, it’s pretty amazing.
    3. TEN YEARS MARRIED is so SQUEE!!!
    4. That large picture is stunning.

  • bluealoe says:

    I don’t know if you remember, but way back in high school I had an assignment to interview a couple about the meaning of love. I interviewed you and Curtis, and I remember you both had very similar answers about what love meant to you. Now more than ten years later, your relationship just keeps growing stronger, and I just have to smile.

    The party sounds awesome! *marks on calendar* I’ll be there, whether or not you want me to. πŸ˜›

    The dress looks perfect for you. (By the way, I’d never heard of “tea-length” before…is that the kind of dress you’re supposed to wear to a tea party?)

    Aaargh, I HATE the sick-but-not-sick feeling. I don’t have asthma but I have environmental allergies, and I’ve spent this entire bloody year explaining to my co-workers and students that I’m not sick, I just have allergies. And yet, every single time I sneeze, someone asks “Do you have a cold?” NO, I HAVE ALLERGIES, JUST LIKE THE OTHER SIXTY MILLION TIMES YOU’VE ASKED!

    *ahem* Anyway, I rarely get sick enough to stay home, I just get sick enough that I feel crappy but not enough to justify missing work, and it sucks big time.

    Your belly photos make me want to have a baby just so I can look as gorgeous as you.

    Privilege Denying Dude link seems to be broken, or did they take the site down?

    *hugs* Love you!

  • fallingwthu says:

    the snow is fucking awesome. and I had to walk into the wind while it blew snow in my face to pick my kid up. the teachers are so awesome. they gave me tea and fed my kid before we got picked up by my husband.

    i hope tomorrow is a snow day for us to play in.

  • schmatalie says:

    OT but the other day i was looking for a link that you’d posted. it was something with the O RLY owl involving an office prank? do you remember what it was? …will continue searching.

    beautiful picture πŸ™‚

  • tastyanagram says:

    I adore the last photo. Just perfect! And congratulations to you and Curtis!

  • I have to say, that last shot is GORGEOUS!
    Thanks for sharing!

    Did you use the timer setting? How did you get the lighting to do that? I’m SO not a photographer…

    • admin says:

      “… I turned off my lighting gear and brought out a desk lamp pointed against the corner of my room, then exposed for the wall and tried a few angles. I’m working with a self-timer and need to get out of position, walk up to the camera and physically check the LCD between each shot so it took a while to figure out how to get what I wanted, but I eventually got it.”

      The answer to your questions was already written. πŸ˜‰

  • Anonymous says:

    Ten years – My s/o & I have been together since ’99 & it still astounds me that it’s been 11yrs. There are times that I look at him in awe & it blows my mind that we have the ability to love someone so complexly. It’s layered & compounding, nothing gets taken away by the new it only builds. Part of it is just the same as it was 11yrs ago & part of it is so much more that I don’t even have words. And yes there are times when I look at him, our home, our life & think ‘Holy fuck how did this happen? Wasn’t I 16 like just yesterday??’
    And don’t hit me but I like the second dress better, the first dress is more ‘classic period’ & even though pink isn’t my color, I tend to favor colored over white.

    Sickness – I usually have a stuffy/drippy nose & congested cough from late Sept to late April every year. Rarely, if ever, do I get sick (knock on wood!) to the point of actually being sick but when the dry air hits I think my body goes into red alert & over compensates for the lack of humidity.

    Snow – I live in Pa, USA & we get snow every.stinking.year. I always thought that you all got alot more than us but now I’m defiantly jealous! We got smacked with the Nor’Easter this Feb & were out of power for almost 2wks in 3+ feet of snow. I wish someone (anyone, Canada? Mexico? doesn’t matter) else would start getting our snow…

    Photos – Those pictures are gorgeous, all of them but especially the last one. Makes me wish I had the courage/patience to do photography for a living. Take family & friends pictures as a hobby? Sure no problem. Take their pictures for them? Makes me want to pull my hair out. As it is I have one portrait request as a christmas gift that’s making me bite my nails, from now on I think I’ll just flat out say no for my own sanity.

    • admin says:

      Ten years – That’s a great way of putting it: nothing gets taken away, it just builds. That’s just what it feels like.

      Snow: When I was a child living on the smaller Gulf Islands we got snow every year, in large amounts, and it stuck around for a while every year. Not like that anymore. πŸ™ πŸ™

  • mami_chilena says:

    OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!
    Yes to the first dress!!! I love it, I absolutely love it!!

    :::::hugs::::::

  • the_leh says:

    Roger and I just hit 8 years married in June, and we had our 10th anniversary since meeting this past September. I can’t believe it’s been so long. Are we officially old now?

    Those photos are incredible, as always.

    Pregnancy nausea never went away for me in my last pregnancy. I vomited all 9 months, in labor, even once right after the birth. It was brutal. Zofran, FTW. Was the only thing that really helped, and believe me when I say I tried everything else.

    • admin says:

      I have Zofran now, but I don’t want to take it unless it gets *that bad* because I know it can be constipating and as it is my IBS is so bad I can barely go once a week and I’m super uncomfortable 24/7.

      I’m currently on 9-12 Diclectin per day plus Gravol for breakthrough.

  • briannablade says:

    I love the year and a day handfasting that you incorporated as part of the events. πŸ™‚ I”m so happy for you guys and it’s beautiful.

    I love your belly pictures. Thank you for sharing with us. I especially loved the last one. It’s beautiful. You have a beautiful belly.

  • derryn_007 says:

    Seriously beautiful portrait. You look stunning and *incredibly* sexy.

    Good luck with the sick – I hope you start feeling better soon! This is day 11 for me, and while I’m definitely getting better, I’m still snotty and coughing, which prevents me from actually *feeling* better. Bleh. Take care!!

    (Also, when the hell are we all going to get together? The last time we hung out, you weren’t even pregnant yet…!)

    • admin says:

      There must be a couple of sicks flying around, Curtis got the snot one but I didn’t get it at all. I just felt shitty for three days and then coughed until I threw up/got a headache for the rest of the time. πŸ˜›

      Last part: I KNOW RIGHT. Jesus. Any time is good, dude. The ANTM finale is next week you know.

  • noelove says:

    I LOVE that first dress! That would look stunning on you!

  • I saw that twins birth a while back. SO fucking fatnastic!

    Congrats on 10yrs! That party you have planned sounds amazing and awesome! Yay!

    I LOVE your pregnancy photos. And yeah, you look a little bigger. It’s pretty obvious your fundal hight grew, lol. So cute.

  • comitto says:

    i think the dress that gives you tingles looks fabulous, as does the pregnancy photo.

  • owenc says:

    It does feel so very good to grow together, and know every scar and sly look; and to marvel at the growth and life of the kids, and think how hard it’s been, and how good it has been. Happy for you and your years with Curtis. Lovely picture. Thanks you for sharing. I can’t think of anything more beautiful and radiant than a woman with life growing inside her.

  • starpolish says:

    You are stunning. I think you are the first pregnant woman I’ve seen that’s made me think “beautiful” vs. “cute” or “that looks uncomfortable.” I am jealous, but inspired. You make me want to write again, randomly.

  • roguewords says:

    okay, so I’ve been a way for a while.

    1 — congrats on the baby!

    2 — congrats on ten years. wow. i’m looking forward to us reaching five years first. I can’t imagine how ten years must feel like.

    3 — I’m totally in love with that picture. And your baby tattoo. I’m still working out in my head what I want to do for the Evil Overlord in Training. I know I want to do something, and probably something with a monkey. That’s the animal I completely associate with him. Have since before he was born.

    4 — Evil Overlord in Training is getting a pillow pet for christmas from us. He just inherited a lovely little doll from my Granny, who passed in Oct., as well as a few stuffed animals. My sister said I need to get him a doll like she use to have — one that has all the zippers and buttons and different things like that on it. I’ve got to see if I can find one. I have no problems with him playing with gender specific toys, his or the other. πŸ˜› In fact, I’ll probably encourage him to explore the types of toys he wants to play with. Right now, he’s really into music. That thankfully, is very non gender specific. Everyone likes music. πŸ˜€

  • effervescent says:

    You are beautiful. That silhouette is breathtakingly done.

    I always love reading what you write about Curtis and your kids – you’re so genuine about it all. Congrats on your upcoming anniversary πŸ˜‰

  • _evalution says:

    you look just lovely.

    i see what you mean about bloating, now. your belly does look bigger to me currently, but the rest of you is smaller around it. πŸ˜€

    i am in love with those dresses. i heart vintage dresses, big time. i got married in a vintage edwardian era dress that i found on ebay. if i ever get lots of money, i’m totally stocking up on some fantastic threads.

  • Five minutes later, I am still a little slack jawed – Your self portrait is stunning. Wow.

  • Your belly is gorgeous!

    My best friend had surprise twins that were breech, in the hospital! She declined ultrasounds and her doctor, who had cared for her through other pregnancies, was fine with it. She was huge at the end but we were all just not thinking in those terms because she laughed off anyone who mentioned multiples. Why the doctor never checked for another heartbeat I don’t know. She got the the hospital ready to push, and the first girl came out bottom first. The doctor was great, the nurse was freaking out shouting “Breech! Breech!” out the hall. No tears, 7 lb 13 oz baby, which we thought was kind of small given the size of her belly. The afterpains were bad, but the nurse just blew her off and never checked anything. She started to push and the nurse finally looked under the sheet and there was another baby coming out. 2nd girl was 7 lbs 3 oz and bottom first.

    • admin says:

      WOW WOW. That’s so awesome. What a shock, though!

      • It totally was! They are 7 1/2 now. πŸ™‚

        Her doctor actually thanked her a few weeks later, she had never attended a vaginal twin birth, much less breech babies. She told her that they never would have let her birth them if they had known, but since my friend trusted her body they all got to experience this amazing thing! Everyone in the hospital came by her room to see the surprise twins, I guess it doesn’t really happen anymore.

  • azdesertrose says:

    That anniversary party is sure to be a blast! I’m hoping you’ll post pics of people in their vintage outfits; should be awesome.

    Beautiful belly pics, especially that last one.

  • mammaopal says:

    There’s a quality to that last photograph that almost looks like your underwater for some reason. Can’t put my finger on it. It is insanely beautiful. I can’t believe you took created that masterpiece while “sick as a dog” in the middle of the morning with a desk lamp. O.O
    You’re amazing.

    That first dress is like, perfection. And it would look really pretty on you, too. Your party sounds like a blast!!
    I’m coming up to my 11 year anniversary with my sweetheart and relate SO much to what you wrote. We’re finally getting married on our 11th anniversary. πŸ™‚

  • ten years feels great, right? like its almost all a silly inside joke? i love it! thanks for the twin breech vaginal birth link!!

  • smellykaka says:

    I’d imagine the requisites of great figure and photographic skill means there can’t be many people in the world that could take a self-portrait that good!

    • admin says:

      Thank you! However, I think it has less to do with a curvy figure and more to do with knowledge of how to emphasize features that you may not be naturally blessed with through shadows, light, angles and muscle tension. πŸ˜‰

  • Anonymous says:

    Genderized toys!

    Been lurking on your site for a while – it was great to have an inside view of pregnancy/parenthood in the 21st century, because my daughter was pregnant at 30, and now I have a 16 mo. old grandchild. I am horrified because 25 years ago, with a 6 yr. old daughter and 4 yr. old son, I was back at university and did an extensive research project on gender/toy theme. I thought then options were progressing, and never dreamed that if/when I had a grandchild, it would be even more difficult to provide ungendered or equal-gendered toy options. Why, why, why?

  • I LOVE that photo. Absolutely gorgeous. <3

    And I know what you mean about seeing signs of aging in a loved one…I used to adore watching the little crows feet grow around Josh’s eyes and noticing when his beard looked a bit lighter. *sigh*

  • timmytm says:

    You’re so beautiful when you’re pregnant.

    • admin says:

      And you really know how to make a girl feel lovely. πŸ™‚

      • timmytm says:

        Seriously, that silhouette? Your curves are perfect. Can’t wait to see how big you get. Don’t explode now!

        I’m assuming you’re doing a belly cast like you usually do?

        Also, I just realized how long I’ve ‘known’ you. I mean, in reference to your anniversary date. Fancy how us online people turn into old friends when we don’t pay attention.

        • admin says:

          I totally plan to do a belly cast again. I still have Xan’s, unfinished, in the garage… I never did anything with it but I am inspired to start. I never finished choosing what design I wanted to do because I couldn’t think of what would best represent how I felt about his birth, and then how to translate that into something I could paint onto it.

          I think I “met” you somewhere around your circumcision article/entry, the first one… which was probably 2000 or 2001? Crazy!

          • timmytm says:

            I started on open diary late november 2001. That entry wasn’t actually posted until… early 2002, I want to say. As it’s linked around, the livejournal post still gets comments now and then.

            http://timmytm.livejournal.com/33872.html

            http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C104458&entry=20773

            No wait. Hrm. I only posted that four years ago? Well. Hell, we know how this went down. YOU were the one that planted the restoration idea in my head in the first place. You’ve touched my penis in a very unique way. HAR HAR. I should really start tugging again. I have decent flaccid coverage. But, as I joke, you can never have enough penis.

            • admin says:

              Maybe it wasn’t that article then? Because I KNOW I’ve known you longer than four years.

              restoring:
              WAS I? I didn’t know you credited me for that! I mean, you may have mentioned it but it didn’t really “click” for me. Well… damn, what a compliment. It’s been fascinating to follow your journey through it, and to read someone so open about sexuality, masturbation and all those other things. Hell, Curtis and Marika are both fans of your writings and style as well. Just the other day Marika had me tell the story of your “Not the diarymaster” adventure. πŸ˜‰

              • timmytm says:

                Aw, you made me blush!

                No seriously. I remember you initially suggested I do something about it. I replied saying I didn’t think I’d have it in me. Two weeks or so later, I had a change of heart.

                I didn’t realize I was so popular. I mean. I don’t know. I’ve kind of disassociated myself with the kind of attention whore I used to be. I’ve gotten a lot more self-conscious and personal in my writing, I don’t know if it’s obvious.

                And I so remember when I got suspended for impersonating the Diarymaster. Stupidest reason ever, ha ha. I mean, seriously, he could check the logs and see I did absolutely nothing malicious. Did you know I’m the reason people on OD can’t have html in their names anymore? ALL BECAUSE OF ME.

                • admin says:

                  You’re epic famous! πŸ˜‰ All us good ones are famous for pissing the fuck out of The Diarymaster. I was one of the group of people whose big bru-ha-ha got everyone kicked off of being moderators on the forums because we actually… GASP… had opinions on how to run shit in an unbiased way. We all voluntarily left our positions and about a week later everyone was stripped anyway.

                  Disassociating yourself from fame: yeah I get that, and I *see* that… but that just makes you more endearing and real to those who were attracted to your type of writing in the first place. One of the endearing things about your blog is that it’s a passive male voice, something we don’t generally see. The more disassociated you are from ego and fame, the more attractive that is. πŸ™‚
                  Then you see other male bloggers like Single Dad Laughing who let their internet fame get to their head and spend part of every fucking entry bragging about how it’s the most important thing they ever wrote and why you should follow the hell out of them.

                  • timmytm says:

                    I’ve always been skeeved about by people who seemed like me. Or worse, seemed to have the same shtick about them as me. I remember once having a friend in high school and it just bugged me how he was all about the “nice guy” routine. And he really was – for the most part. That aside…

                    I see pieces of myself in other writers. The.. attention whoring. And I respect their right to write. But I end up distancing myself from it.

                    I’ve been trying to read more of my own favorites (I’m a terrible reader, I admit), and occasionally popping in on random people. Yet, I guess I don’t really run across people like I used to. Maybe I’m just not a drama llama or don’t have an eye for it. I remember when ShadowKat got lots of attention. Not to mention Zombywoof and I.

                    If I may, what do you mean by “passive male voice”?

                    • admin says:

                      Passive male voice may not be the right way to put it. I’m trying to say a male voice that isn’t authoritarian, egocentric or domineering. This is not to say that you can’t have these qualities sometimes, but you don’t make them a priority and it makes you much more approachable and easy to read. Does that make sense? I don’t mean “passive” like “permissive and boring”, more like shy, vulnerable and honest… which in the realm of male bloggers is unfortunately hard to find.

                      Being a dramallama was easy in the beginning because it seemed to be everywhere but that shit gets exhausting really fast. I found myself slipping into the same thing: just staying within my friend circle and not going outside it. I’ve had to press myself to go outside my comfort zone the last few years and find some new, interesting people now that I’ve felt I’ve changed a lot of who I am.

                    • timmytm says:

                      For what it’s worth, I’ve made a point since my proverbial rebirth to be exceedingly open to the idea that my perspective and my point of view could be wrong. Especially in my emotional self-analysis, I try to make my writing self-aware in the sense that I could entirely be a little off in what I’m thinking, feeling, or my explanation entirely. It’s a nice feeling, allowing oneself permission to be wrong.

                      I like being shy and vulnerable.

                      I feel like I haven’t had a lot to “say” in the past couple years. Hopefully I’m just getting more concise in my wisdom as I get older. I read my older entries and they’re full of indecision. Nothing wrong with that. Just how I used to toss out ideas without committing to anything. Whereas now I’m more likely to just sort of state what I think, knowing what my opinion is.

                    • admin says:

                      I think a lot of that may just have to do with growing older… I was really surprised to see how much growth you do between 20 and 30. I always knew there was some, but it was surprising how different I am in such a short amount of time. And a lot of what you describe as being different is what I feel has changed in me as well. Maybe part of that is also the blogging experience: blogging openly forces you to be a little more self-critical and to look deeper into yourself and your problems than you would be without it, I think.

                    • timmytm says:

                      It’s one thing to chronicle yourself privately, to vent privately. Something about the semi-public, semi-private nature of this forces you to look at more sides of things at times. Sometimes you explain things a bit more for those that aren’t living inside your own head, which can be really theraputic. And sometimes it’ll cause you to go down thought patterns that maybe you wouldn’t have gone down otherwise.

                      Heh, gone down. :: snickers ::

                      Of course, we both know we’ll continue to grow as we age from 30 to 40. And 40 to 40, etc.

  • danica says:

    omg that picture is amazing!! I wish I looked half as decent when I wasn’t pregnant, I tend to resemble a pregnant moose as of late.

    Happy Anniversary!! Oh and I’m reading the very sexist holiday thing and it’s SO WEIRD!! I was on the toysrus website pondering whether or not i REALLY want to put a wish list together for my daughter’s 2nd birthday (ultimately deciding that I didn’t) and I was horrified at how completely sexist the site was!! Kitchens and vacuums and pink for girls, trucks and bikes and blue for boys? WTF, who the crap made that website!? So glad I’m not the only one who feels that way, but totally weird that it was YESTERDAY that I was realizing that very fact about that crap site!

    OOH! happy 2nd Trimester!! I’m nearing the end of my third *groan*

  • itsyspy70 says:

    Beautiful photo and great links – sent one to a pal who is in early labor with a breech baby, she’s had a tough pregnancy (spent something like 6 weeks in the hospital during part of it), and she thought it was pretty cool too.

    The writeup on the toy catalogs made me pretty bummed. For whatever reason I totally shunned most all PINKPINKPINK fashion-beauty-bleh stuff when I was little and instead geeked out with Legos (dragons and castles and pirates please!) and horses and dinosaurs and TMNT and Ghostbusters toys. Lots of building toys actually.

    I’d attribute that to my parents being all for their kids doing whatever made them happy (versus societal status quo), and the fact that with two younger brothers, there was a bit of a practical bend to getting certain items in gender-neutral colors/themes. My first bike was red with teddy bears on it, and came with the option to add the “boy bar” later. If you throw out the notion of gender-specific toys, everyone gets more fun stuff to play with πŸ™‚

  • Your anniversary celebrations sound amazing, and fun!

    And gawwww-leeee, that picture is amazing! You should enlarge it and frame it for your bedroom wall. Just, beautiful πŸ™‚

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