This evening at the grocery store we realized that, as a result of our child spacing, we’ll be feeding 1-2 teenagers in our house for 18 continuous years. (Not including the years we’re doing so now). This parenting thing is an expensive lifestyle.

Pregnant. PREGNANT. I really do not feel pregnant at all… and it’s kind of freaking me out. Everyone rolls their eyes and says “Don’t complain!” but it’s really not that easy; I really need to feel pregnant to feel that this is going okay. I’m not asking for violent morning sickness or something (been there done that, barfed on the t-shirt), I mean even some sore breasts would help. I walk around feeling like this isn’t happening at all, the baby must be dead, any minute now the bleeding will start… It’s not like I’m sitting around shaking in my boots, more like I’m waiting to wake up.
I haven’t felt this out of it in pregnancy since Tempest, and I was living some serious denial through that… which I suppose is probably what’s happening here: this happened very fast and very unexpectedly and I really was not expecting it to work at all. Let alone get lucky enough to have my one of THREE yearly ovulations the month after we took out the IUD.

I’ve almost convinced myself to get an ultrasound, and that’s a pretty big deal for someone who practiced self-care for her last two pregnancies. I think if I heard a heartbeat it would feel more real and I might have a bit more confidence that this is actually happening to me, but I don’t know that I can wait 14 more weeks for the fetoscope to be able to pick up a heartbeat. I don’t know. This is very disconcerting. I’m trying to focus on the tiny little symptoms that I think might be happening. Maybe. Sorta.
The only change I could really put my finger on is the fact that all my milk abruptly dried up. Xan hasn’t nursed since he was 34 months old but I continued to have milk just sort of hanging around in there. I could easily hand-express an ounce if I wanted to. About three weeks ago it just…. disappeared! I can’t get a single drop out. For the first time in over 8 years my boobs are completely milkless. I’m actually not sure how to feel about that; having breastmilk has completely changed the way I view and appreciate my breasts, and after nursing babies I have a real love for the way they look and feel. I love my breasts when they’re swollen with milk: it’s sensual in a nonsexual way, if that makes sense… I feel womanly and powerful. It’s weird for them to return to their state of nonpowerfulwomanness and go back to being breasts. It’s like they are superheros in their unassuming normal guy costumes.


I am definitely bloaty and “showy” in the way I get in early pregnancy. It’s not that the baby is any larger than a coffee bean, but rather due to a combination of factors like lots of cesarean scar tissue, being multiparas, having high uterus placement from my tiny malformed pelvis, being bloaty, and so on… A lot of multiparas and VBAC moms in my DDC are showing a little bit, too.
That said, it doesn’t seem pregnanty. More like fat and pouty that I can’t suck it in. Although, today at the Baby Fair three complete strangers asked me when I was due, based only on the tiny little bump of my belly showing through my tank top. Apparently it has enough shape to it for experienced mums to know the difference, but I totally don’t see it. I’m also not nearly brave enough to ask anyone when they’re due unless they’re massively huge and clearly wearing maternity clothes. I won’t be caught dead making that mistake. Again.

Regardless of however this goes, I am enjoying the process of buying baby stuff. We’re doing amazingly well with our funds lately, and have more than enough to start building a supply of stuff. I’ve already purchased a huge stash of cloth diapers, more maternity wear, a few baby items, shoes, a fantastic nursing bra from Japan, hemp velour nursing pads, lots of wool for knitting, and we managed to find a gently used Britax car seat (the convertible type that do 8-85lbs) FOR FREE!
I love this part. Shopping for baby has been elevated to a series of steps in a magical spell that brings forth your new child. It’s awesome.


(I’m getting a weird shape to my stomach with this early pregnancy bloat/show thing. Is anyone else seeing this? It’s triangular.) It looks huge there but it really isn’t that big. I think it’s barrel distortion.
As much as I’d love to say I was that fat before I got pregnant, it is a pretty significant jump compared to [a little while ago].

And a self-portrait for good measure. I’ve been trying to get a satisfying head-on shot for a longass time now, and I’m actually pretty okay with this one.

I’ve been getting some very strange spam mail lately. Today’s edition was titled, “Public tradition remains silent” and contained only a short message reading, “When they reached Paris, the crowd remained silent. A b c d e f g h i j k l Ruppert, E”. That’s a piss poor excuse for spam, it didn’t even try to sell me something.

The one before it was by far some of the best spam I’ve ever received. It was supposedly a death threat from an assassin, titled, “Your life at stake”. The message said I would be offed unless I gave him what he wanted (probably bank information), which would be followed by him giving up all the information “someone that loves you” had given him about me. The letter warns me not to “outside” past 7:30pm.
I found this letter so hilarious that I wrote him back from another account and asked if he takes requests. So far, no reply.


This is a repeat family, I took their little girl’s picture when she was three months old… and now she has a little brother who is three months old. Although he wasn’t nearly as smiley as his sister was at that age. It took us over two hours to get a single grin out of him.
I think these are some of my best (and most favourite) family shots this year.

Quotes of the Day:
(Overheard at bedtime)
*CRASH* *thump* *runrunrun*
*crash bang crash*
Tempest: “Xan! STOP! Ghosts do NOT climb trees!”
*crash crash crash break shatter*
Xan: “Yaya I hate you!”
Tempest: “Let’s play over here”
Xan: “Okay.”
*laugh, giggle* — Siblings are fun, aren’t they? Why are we doing this again?

Yesterday morning while sitting on the couch with Xan, watching cartoons, he suddenly lifted up my shirt and said, “I’m going to listen to the baby.”
Me: “You can’t hear the baby, it’s too little. But when it’s bigger you can feel it.”
Xan: “No, I’m going to try anyway.” He puts his ear down on my stomach and listens for a few moments, then acts all excited. “I heard baby grumbling noises! The baby is making baby grumbling noises!”
Me: “That’s not the baby! That’s just my tummy.”
Xan: “Why does your tummy make grumbly baby noises?”
Me: “That’s the noise of my food digesting.”
Xan, clearly disappointed: “Oh.”

And my favourite exchange of the week:

Xan: “I think the baby should be born in the livingroom.”
Me: “Do you? That’s a pretty good spot for a baby to be born.”
Xan: “Wait. Where was I born?”
Me: “In the bath.”
Xan: “Oh, yeah. The baby should be born in the bath! Because I was born in the bath, and I sure liked it! Definitely the bath.”
Me: “We can do both: we can put a special birthing pool in the livingroom and then have the baby in the water… in the livingroom!”
Xan: “WOW REALLY? THAT IS SO COOL! Let’s do that! Babies LOVE being born in baths and livingrooms!”
Me: “Are you going to be there when the baby is born? Do you want to watch?”
Xan: “Yes! I like seeing babies come out.”
Me: “We’ll watch some videos of babies being born so you can see how it happens. Sometimes there’s yelling or crying, but it’s okay to make loud noises. There’s some blood–“
Xan, laughing and waving a hand dismissively: “What? There’s no blood. C’mon mommy.”
Me: “Yes there is! There’s some blood when baby comes out.”
Xan: “Why would the baby be bleedin?”
Me: “It’s good blood. When the baby is in your belly it needs a nice soft pillow so it doesn’t get hurt when your tummy gets bonked, or if you fall, so the blood is like a pillow. When the baby comes out, it doesn’t need it anymore, so the blood comes out too.”
Xan: “Oh, okay.”

Later on, at dinner Xan decides he wants to impress my mom with his newfound knowledge and puts on his smart face, twirls a fork and says very casually, “Nanny, did you know that bloody pillows are very good for babies? Babies just love to have bloody pillows in their vaginas.”

Links of the Day:
What you mean when you say “literally” – Oh noez! Gayroller!
Derailing for Dummies – My contribution was approved! “But it’s true!” will be up on the site shortly. πŸ˜‰
Why Cavemen were better parents than we are today – More literature about how breastfeeding, baby wearing and all that good stuff really improves brain development, and stuff like CIO harms. More and more research keeps coming out about this stuff lately, and it makes me wonder why it wasn’t headline news back when I was having Tempest and trying to defend my parenting practices to people who thought it was psychotic.




  • You are insanely gorgeous. I lurk and lurk and rarely say anything, but you are just breathtaking and everyone in my home thinks so.

    Your photography is amazing, as well. Oh that you were local to me or I was rich.

    Congratulations on the new addition to your family. I love reading about your kids and your life and I’m looking forward to learning about this new member πŸ™‚

  • bluealoe says:

    Oh, and on feeding teenagers for so long: I went to high school with a guy who was the youngest of eight or nine siblings. His mom calculated that from the time her oldest child entered kindergarten to the time her youngest child graduated, it was 35 years. Good grief.

  • bluealoe says:

    Okay, I have to ask: What was your mom’s reaction to the bloody pillow comment?

    (And “babies love being born in baths and living rooms”…*snort*. Oh Xan.)

    That little girl is the absolutely most adorable child ever. She just radiates sunshine.

    You’re gorgeous, and I can definitely see the beginning of the baby belly. πŸ™‚ Loving the tattoo, too. It’s so fitting.

  • riela says:

    I’ve been following your journal for years, haven’t commented much if any. I just found out I’m due June 4th with my second, the first one was due June 2nd 2005, but was born May 24th! We had a midwife assisted homebirth with him, I had an IUD till October 08, took it out and nothing happened, till now. Now off to look for your pregnancy community πŸ™‚ We’re not telling the family till I’m 8 weeks or so though.

  • ps: Xan and the bloody vagina pillow. Fucking hilarious.

  • A few key points: 1)You are ABSOLUTELY stunning, and don’t you dare ever think differently.
    2) Last black and white baby photo: TOO CUTE!
    3) As your belly grows I love that tattoo more and more and more. It’s like Jericho is holding him and keeping him safe πŸ™‚
    I love your posts πŸ™‚

  • fallingwthu says:

    You know it’s interesting, I had the same issue with my 3rd pregnacy, where I thought, no way this isn’t happening is it? And I wasn’t even convinced with an ultrasound. I had to actually feel the movement (12 weeks for me) to know it’s really going to happen.

    I’m so happy for you, this is exactly what your family needs and I do pray for you and this child. BTW, I’ll be raising babies until I turn 55 years old. I’ll have three kids in three different schools too.

  • I made a post kinda like this today too, but I finally felt a heartbeat. Had been kind of wondering … but when I felt it(after josh had went to sleep and I was laying there really still) I just got this HUGE grin on my face. lol. You and basically announced at the same time, so I am betting you will feel one with in the next week. πŸ˜€

    I am gonna be reading the last link. I hate the doc’s but so many people insist and you(I) end up getting bullied into it. IDK I guess some part of me does not mind, but the part that does not want to be treated like I have a disease says fuck you to most practitioners.

  • _evalution says:

    um, you totally look pregnant. like, all belly.
    and your eyes in that picture are fantastic. it’s like cover girl eyelashes.

    Babies just love to have bloody pillows in their vaginas i died! i had to read this entire exchange to anyone within hearing. ah, that’s awesome.

  • mami_chilena says:

    Oh yeah, you ARE looking pregnant to me. Yay little round belly! Maybe it is a good thing you don’t *feel* it yet? Let’s face it, you may end up getting so huge, like you did with Xan πŸ˜›

    Your conversations with Xan are just epic. Hilariously smart little lad.

  • Your belly does look a bit triangular but it definitely has that shape to it that I associate with pregnant bellies. I don’t know if I can describe it properly but you have two “lines” on the bottom of your belly from the side of your belly down towards your groin area that I typically associate with how pregnant bellies look.

    • admin says:

      That’s totally it, it’s the little line thingies. I didn’t have that the last three times. It was very curvy. This one is angular, but then again it’s too early to tell how the baby will shape it once this part changes to actual uterine swelling.

  • effervescent says:

    You are so gorgeous, I hope you realise that! Your eyes are amazing.

    I love reading your entries and seeing your thoughts – AND your hilarious stories about the kids. Babies love to have bloody pillows, indeed πŸ˜€

  • sylvanna says:

    For my own selfish, vicarious reasons, I look forward to the possibility of getting to see your u/s photo. With the way your belly is growing, and there is definitely a pregnant shape to it, I wonder just a little if you might need two of those fabulous carseat finds. Not likely, but…

  • Oh Xan XD.

    If it helps you’ve converted at least one person to look deeply into ‘crunchy’ parenting techniques, so your struggle with unacceptance has affected at least one other life (though probably many more).

    Lovely lovely photos πŸ™‚ I am interested to see how the handprint will/won’t stretch as the belly gets bigger.

  • waifstar says:

    I felt the same way when I found out that I was pregnant back in May. We decided to try and got pregnant right away, so when the test came back positive, I didn’t believe it and it took an ultrasound for me (I am seeing midwives at a clinic, and I guess that is just how they do things) to actually believe it. It still didn’t sink in for real until I heard the heartbeat. I am probably in a little bit of denial, even now at 5 months, because it just seemed so easy. Too easy.

  • frogger414 says:

    OMG your eyes are so stunning, I love your self pictures and your growing bump! I miss mine already and I’m 3 months PP

    I found out I was pregnant with Taylor a year ago tomorrow (or 52 Sundays ago lol) and I was 3w5d. After the shock wore off I was all “where is my nausea?” and then I finally felt sick at 7w and I was happy because I wanted to feel pregnant. The next week it stopped and I freaked but then it came back in full force for another 9 weeks. And at that point I was all “I can’t wait until I feel better again!” I could not make up my mind lol.

    Needless to say, I am so happy for you and I am looking forward to following your journey πŸ™‚

    Also I love your exchange with Xan

    • This. I found out I was pregnant at 5w1d, but only after a colleague at work made a joke about it after I mused on the possible existence of the chocolate chilli Wagon Wheel. We were trying, but I had no symptoms and figured that we’d missed the boat again… especially as my previous period had been twelve days late, and for no good reason. Nope – bought a test on the way home with the same sort of ‘prove to yourself it’s negative and move on’ kind of attitude, and lo and behold… it wasn’t. I didn’t start feeling sick for another week after that, and it still took seeing the wee bean on an ultrasound at eight weeks to accept that there really was a baby, and that it was probably going to be fine.

      The wee bean is now a day shy of ten weeks old, and there’s nothing wee about him anymore πŸ™‚

  • timmytm says:

    Ever consider being an underwear model?

  • eliza261 says:

    I love the half smile on the little guy! his a cutie…

  • _tzigane says:

    Xan sounds like the most awesome person to have a conversation with.

    And speaking of such… I think there’s a bloody pillow coming out of my vagina right now. Perhaps that’s why I’m craving chocolate.

  • molly_diane says:

    I’m getting caught up on my flist after a hundred years, so CONGRATS! <3

  • djm1975 says:

    congrats on being preg

    (oh, and once again, i know i have said it many times, but i love your pics)

    • admin says:

      Re: And it’s up:

      Sweet! πŸ˜€

      That came about after a very frustrating conversation with someone you was mocking a Japanese accent, when I told him that wasn’t nice he said, “But it’s true!” and went on and on about how his Japanese friend thought it was funny.

  • mammaopal says:

    I had to stop in the middle of this post and lift up my shirt to stare at my milky breasts for a moment.
    I wish I felt the same way about them as you do. I mean, I know that it’s awesome that they’re feeding my sweet little baby, but I’m not feeling the beauty at all this time around. Like, at all.
    I wonder if there’s any way to turn that around. πŸ™

    • admin says:

      I didn’t feel that way bout them initially either… it took going through some serious hell with breastfeeding for it to turn around. Ever since then, I’ve loved them so much more. There’s something very intimate and sensual about the idea that your breasts are capable of nourishing human life – they are capable of making the difference between living and dying – and yet they’re also a source of deep sexuality in a completely different way.
      It’s an interesting balance of two very separate ideas, and yet both acts are very full of power no matter what way you look at it.

    • frogger414 says:

      *hugs* I think you’re doing something amazing

  • smellykaka says:

    Sometimes when you get mail with ridiculously weird contents, it’s not actually spam – it’s a command message sent to malware that tends to infest people’s computers telling it to attack a specific target or something like that. They’re sending blind; they have no way of knowing that a mail will reach a computer with their little droppings installed. But enough of them will.

    • admin says:

      That totally goes against what I know of how malware works… do you have a reference for that that I can read about? ‘Cause having a virus that responds to text within an email is… weird.

      • smellykaka says:

        Less virus, more botnet. Thousands of computers get infected, and wait for commands from their controller. When he/she/they are ready, the commands are sent out to each of the infected computers telling it to do things like sending spam, finding new computers to infect, denial of service attacks (flooding the victim’s network etc). Historically a lot of the commands have been sent out via IRC networks, but a recent speaker we had said that some of them are using email to encode the comamnds. I couldn’t find an article on that specifically, but here’s an article about botnets using Notes on Facebook to accomplish similar:

  • I’m sure my neighbors are wondering why I’m cackling so loudly… OMFG, XAN! That is the funniest thing I have heard in a loooooong time… when I have kids, I will be sure to have them in the living room, with plenty of bloody pillows on hand. ROFLMAO, for real.

  • altarflame says:

    You are ridiculously hot. Like I feel ridiculous about how much looking at your pictures and thinking you’re hot I’m doing.

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