I make a point of not discussing these things on public, because the slightest mention seems to have a way of somehow getting back to people… but I really want to be heard right now. I want to have it known: I’m not trying to be a bad guy. I’m not doing something unspeakably awful. Misunderstandings happen, sometimes even really shitty things happen… but no one, not ever, not even once, has used a position of influence to tear a family apart. No one would intentionally hurt a mother/daughter relationship.
Ever.


We got a call this morning while I was still asleep, so Curtis took it. Dad said that [M’s mom]’s kind-of boyfriend and long-time family friend had just died very unexpectedly. He said that Marika was very fond of him, and said her mom would call later to talk to her about it.
Marika was at school at that time, and when I got up Curtis and I discussed it. Curtis heard dad imply that it was up to us if we wanted to tell her before that. So, we spent some time that morning discussing what would be easier, and less stressful. Most importantly: the most respectful and honest. We are carrying news she has a right to hear, that will deeply affect her for the rest of her life… is it fair of us to keep it a secret from her?

Marika has a huge trust issue with her mom stemming from her dog’s death when she was around 11. She identified this event as the beginning of the downward spiral of their relationship, and the catalyst for rebellious and difficult behavior, distrust, and breakdown.
Her dog Max was old, and becoming more and more ill. She knew he was close to the end. She asked her mother, “Please please don’t ever put him to sleep without me”. She said it all the time. Her mother promised she wouldn’t; he was a family dog and had been there since before her birth.
One day she came home from school and her mother, a friend and the friend’s mother were all there. They immediately put her in the car and went for ice cream. The whole time everyone was acting happy, laughing… but something felt off. No one would talk about it. At the end of the day when they went back to the house Marika realized Max wasn’t there, and her mother admitted they’d put him to sleep that morning just after she’d gone to school. Everyone present, including her best friend, had known about it and they all kept it from her all day long… even during the ice cream social. She felt devastated and incredibly betrayed.
It took a lot of soul searching and tearful nights of examining behavior she didn’t want to admit before it suddenly clicked and she made such a huge breakthrough. Communication started coming more easily once this came, and she started understanding herself better. It has been a major milestone for her during this crisis, and I’m really proud of her for finding it inside herself and being able to analyze and work through it.

I couldn’t have her home for lunch, know this, have a “fun” lunch with coffee, games, laughter and send her off to school only to tell her in a serious tone when she got home to “call your mom” and when she got worried, refuse to say a word. We’ve all worked so hard together to stress the importance of openness, communication, honesty and respect. This is lying, this is not okay – doesn’t she have a right to know if her friend just died?
So we made the decision to tell her when she came home for lunch. She broke down crying. I told her we’d go back to school together and talk to the counsellor, have her excused and get her work. She said, “Thank you for telling me now, instead of waiting”. I told her I didn’t want to do something awful, but considering all she’d told me I thought it was the right thing to do. “It was” she said immediately, and she hugged me.
She asked to talk to dad, so she gave him a call. After they talked he said she might want to call her mom, so she did. She came out five minutes later saying [M’s mom] wanted to talk to me. Given the situation, I had no idea she was going to spend the time screaming at me, and took the phone. I expected a calm, quiet conversation about supporting Marika and helping her get up for the funeral. I was going to offer to drive her right to [M’s mom]’s door, if needed. I had all these things planned out to say to her, about how sympathetic I was, how I understood the pain of losing people you loved and if there was anything I could do to help her pull through this, I would. I was going to have a conversation with her and let her vent and get through it. I came in vulnerable and gentle… and I feel so stupid.

Instead, we had 15 minutes of her yelling about what an awful person I was for trying to be Marika’s mother, betraying her, making decisions for her that I have no right to, destroying lives, ruining relationships. She said I had no right to tell Marika that her friend died: it was her mom’s job and I am not her mom, no matter how hard I try to replace her.
I told her honestly that I was so, so sorry that it hurt her; that I never ever would have done anything to intentionally hurt her, especially during such a sensitive time. I explained that I’d felt it was best to let Marika know sooner rather than keep it a secret all day long, and effectively lie to her. Without going into details that would hurt her, I said that Marika has a lot of issues surrounding trust and situations like these, and that with all the importance we’re all putting on communication and honesty, that we felt it would not be healthy to exacerbate those things for such a personal, intense issue.
I told her this may have been a misunderstanding, and that under no circumstances was there any plot to hurt [M’s mom] or take something away from her. We didn’t know at all.
She got really angry, and snapped that we should have called her. I apologized again, and assured her I never intended to hurt anyone. She said I would never know what was “best” and had no right to even think about those things.
It honestly it didn’t occur to me to call her mom and ask permission from her if we could tell Marika her friend died, especially since we’d only just been called and notified about the death ourselves. I don’t mean that in a snarky way at all: I really never even thought about it, and I realize that even admitting that does not reflect well on us.

She said it was important, because she wanted to be the one to tell her that night and it was her responsibility as her mother to tell her about someone’s death. That I intentionally tried to take that away from her, to disrespect her.
“No one conspired to hurt you, [M’s mom]. I’m really sorry it hurt your feelings – it was a misunderstanding. I know you’re really hurting right now, and I understand… I’ve lost many people, too. I never would have intended to do something hurtful.”
“Well you did! I wanted to support her, but now she’s there and well… I guess that’s the way things are, huh?”
She went on and on… every time I tried to reassure her this was a misunderstanding and there was no vileness, she told me I was wrong and that all I ever do is screw with her.

She added toward the end, “And I’d appreciate you not telling Marika about this conversation.”
“I don’t know that that’s possible. It’s a very small house… she’s probably overheard at least some of this.”
Her tone was so nasty. “Oh, and I’m sure you’re really really trying hard to make sure she does. Sitting next to her?”
“No, [M’s mom]. I’m in the bathroom… there’s nowhere else for me to go that’s more private.”
“Whatever. I’m sure you’ve worked hard to make sure she heard everything.”
“I … don’t even know where she is in the house. But it’s really small, there is a risk she’s overheard my part. I have no intention of turning her against you, [M’s mom], nothing was said with that intent. We’d just tried to help.”

She screamed about how she didn’t need the horrible things I “do to her” right now. That I’m taking advantage of the situation. My agenda. I tried again… she flipped, said she would be “calling later, and I expect to get through” and hung up on me.
Curtis came out and hugged me. I cried as quietly as I could into his chest. I just can’t fucking win. No matter what I do – it’s wrong. No matter how hard I fucking try to make this work she just yells, blames, flips the fuck out. If I wanted to fuck things up: I could. If I wanted to I could scream nasty names and hang up on her, deny her communication… but why? Why would I ever do that? She’s her mother – they love each other, they’re just having problems. I’m trying so hard, every single fucking day, to make things work for them.

I cried too loud. Marika came running from wherever she was to give me a hug. For the first time since she’s moved here I broke down in hysterical tears in front of her. She hugged me hard, and cried harder.
“I love you so much, Heather. I love you so much.”
This dam burst and I started babbling incoherently between wracking sobs that I was really sorry if I made a terrible mistake by telling her, that I didn’t want to make things worse and I thought it was best. I never wanted to hurt her and I was trying to be as respectful and honest as I could.
“I’d rather hear it from you then from her. I’m glad you told me now. If you had kept it all day I’d feel betrayed.”
“I’m not trying to be your mother.”
She started crying harder. “You’re not my mother: you’re my sister. And I love you.”
We sat in the back hall and cried for half an hour. Despite myself, I told her the outline of what happened… I told her that her mom didn’t want me to say, and that I’m really sorry for just blurting it out. She admitted it’d be hard not to know: the house is very small, she can easily hear phone conversations and it’s not like it would be fair for me to walk around crying after getting off the phone with her mom and not tell her a damn word. She’d assume the worst and feel angry, rather than us being able to have a conversation about it.
I told her that her mother was really hurting right now, and that death sometimes brings out the worst in people: they lash out. I told her I believed we’d all be okay eventually, and be able to talk to each other, and that her mom would calm down over time… to take it easy on her.

The phone suddenly rang again. It was dad. When I picked up the phone I was still sobbing. He thought I was Marika and asked to talk to “your sister”. When I passed the phone to her and he realized his mistake we all started laughing… it was a good ice breaker.
He told me [M’s mom] had just called him and reported that I yelled at her, gave her a ‘really hard time’ fresh after the death of her loved one, and otherwise abused her over the phone. He wanted to know what actually happened. I burst into tears again and told him everything. I would never, ever use someone’s pain that way. That’s a sick thing to do. I know he didn’t really believe that… but it hurts so much that it’s what she told him.
He said that Curtis had misunderstood his message, but that was okay: “After telling me what you have I think you guys made a really rational, correct decision to tell her. Even if I had forbid it, you still made the right choice. It’s okay. Just let it blow over: she’s hurting right now, and she really needs to control everything, and she’s acting really inappropriately. Stop apologizing, and take some deep breaths.”
I kept saying I was sorry for screwing up, and eventually he told me to shut up because he didn’t want to hear that anymore. That I didn’t screw up: I did the right thing by being honest with Marika.
“I love you, dad. I’m so glad you’re my dad. Thank you for being there.”
“I’m so glad you’re my daughter.”

Marika and I dried our eyes and went out for coffee and cupcakes. We spoke to the school counsellor about what happened, and I said that I was going to pull her from school for her last two classes.
“There’s never a dull moment in your house, huh?” she joked. With tears in our eyes, we all managed a good laugh. She’s a really, really nice person and has been a very good resource for Marika (and us) during this time.

The rest of the day was a clusterfuck. We tried to relax by going out, getting some Hallowe’en costumes and bubble tea. I was driving: people cut me off, did dangerous things – I started to panic. Sometimes driving still scares me.
While stopped in a turn lane we watched police abuse a homeless man for standing on a corner with his hat out. They had him up against the car and everything. He was not drunk, nor high – he was stable, calm and does not ever harass people. He just stands quietly with a smile and says, “Bless you”. Other cars honked at the police, eventually pissing them off enough that they left. The man stood, trapped in the median until the lights turned. He looked embarrassed and ashamed. A few cars in the lane rolled down their window and offered him change and a kind word.
I dug through my purse and found a ten and shouted for his attention. Just as he saw me, the light turned green. “Just throw it!” the man said. As I positioned myself to do so, the guy behind me became very aggressive: leaning on his horn and shouting. About two seconds had gone by with a green light. I ended up having to throw it out the window, and it fell about a foot into the lane. I had to keep driving.
Just as the man leaned forward to get it, the jackass car sped up and almost hit him, purposefully swerving to run over the money. I asked Curtis to keep watching to make sure the man wasn’t hurt, and managed to get the ten dollars. We turned the corner before he could tell. I felt so, so, so bad. Every time I try to help, I keep fucking up.

I really wanted to hand it to him personally and tell him the police were being fuckers; that he doesn’t deserve that abuse and bullshit. We’ve seen that man needlessly be abused before for holding up a sign that says, “Spare change” and nothing else. I’ve watched cop cars pull up, roll down their window, lean out and aggressively rip his sign and hat from his hands, then drive away screaming obscenities at him. He is NOT breaking any laws. It’s… horrible, and heartbreaking.
Marika was really upset by what she saw, and we talked the whole way home about victim-blaming, and programs to help the homeless, activism and “The Street News”. She admitted that a family member is constantly screaming that bootstraps rhetoric about the homeless and underprivileged; that when she hears it she is extremely uncomfortable, and doesn’t know how to handle it. We talked about non-judgemental ways to respond in those situations, and how we can all agree that something needs to be done to help: we can use that common ground to come together without aggressive debate.

I got home and took pain medication and valium.The weather is changing; my joints ache like I’ve been hit with a sledgehammer and it hurts so bad.
I’ve done nothing but sit in my room and cry.

Why does she fucking treat me this way? I am trying so fucking hard to do what I can for Marika, keep her healthy and safe and help her talk to her mom.
I just bought her a book on communication so she could use some of the techniques to open up lines of dialog with her mom. If I was so evilly plotting against her, would I have even bothered? If I was truly against her: I could have easily taken away her rights, removed all ability to contact her family – but instead I write her every single Sunday night to update her on even the most mundane activity, school assignment or health issue. I document everything. I take time every day to teach Marika new things about her body, her health, her sexuality, communication, life, feminism, history…

Last night she said to me, “I learn something new every time you talk to me”. Do you have any idea how much that meant to me? It was beautiful to hear.
Curtis said later, “She’s a sponge and you’re the water. She’s listening to everything you say.” I was tearing up. She told me she’s learned so much about communication, psychology, science, feminism and racism, social issues. Today I caught her looking through a socioeconomic blog about sexism in advertising, and afterward we had a really intelligent debate about women’s sexuality being exploited. It made me so damn proud of her! I could burst. This is big for a 15 year old girl – most teens could care less about that stuff.
She’s becoming such an amazing person; she’s so fucking smart and lovely and secure and I tell her all the time that she’s got it together more than so many other kids her age – for what she’s gone through, she’s doing damn well. Despite all these setbacks, she’s still trying hard to reach her mom, she’s still coming to me for help on communication and phrasing, she’s asking questions about avoiding blaming language and how to defuse arguments and keep the conversation on track.
We’re doing a good job together, damnit. We WILL win this war. We WILL all get along. We WILL all be talking, smiling, working things out together and listening to each other… finding compromises and solving problems. I know we will. We can be a family. We have to.

I just love her so damn much.

Comments

comments

154 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    Holy Carp!

    I post on a board about mother-in-laws and what you said about M-mom sounds SO MUCH like what a bunch of us are going through with our MILs. Have you looked at Narcissistic Personality Disorder at all? Because it’s pretty classic N-behaviour to *NEED* to be the gate-keeper of information.

    Please don’t think that you’ve done anything wrong here. But with these kind of people, you can bend yourself in half 6 times and they’ll say “why not seven?” You can not, will not EVER be able to win with her. The best you can do is dis-engage. Pull yourself back and protect yourself and your family (including Marika).

    Because, rational people KNOW that it’s better to be told bad news in person, by someone who loves you and is prepared for your reaction, than over the phone. Rational people would be relieved that you were there for their kid when they couldn’t be.

    Again – you did nothing wrong, not even a little bit, not even “well, you could have done it better”. You are a GREAT sister, that’s what sister’s do. Wouldn’t you want your kids to be able to help each other like this?

    Sheri BHeri

  • Anonymous says:

    Holy Carp!

    I post on a board about mother-in-laws and what you said about M-mom sounds SO MUCH like what a bunch of us are going through with our MILs. Have you looked at Narcissistic Personality Disorder at all? Because it’s pretty classic N-behaviour to *NEED* to be the gate-keeper of information.

    Please don’t think that you’ve done anything wrong here. But with these kind of people, you can bend yourself in half 6 times and they’ll say “why not seven?” You can not, will not EVER be able to win with her. The best you can do is dis-engage. Pull yourself back and protect yourself and your family (including Marika).

    Because, rational people KNOW that it’s better to be told bad news in person, by someone who loves you and is prepared for your reaction, than over the phone. Rational people would be relieved that you were there for their kid when they couldn’t be.

    Again – you did nothing wrong, not even a little bit, not even “well, you could have done it better”. You are a GREAT sister, that’s what sister’s do. Wouldn’t you want your kids to be able to help each other like this?

    Sheri BHeri

  • cmariewt says:

    Everyone present, including her best friend, had known about it and they all kept it from her all day long… even during the ice cream social. She felt devastated and incredibly betrayed.

    I cannot blame her. I would have been infuriated to a point beyond what words can explain.

    “I love you so much, Heather. I love you so much.”

    Poor thing. She is probably used to people abandoning her so they don’t have to deal with her mom’s drama bullshit. It’s ridiculous. I feel bad for her because she is helpless to it at this age.

  • cmariewt says:

    Everyone present, including her best friend, had known about it and they all kept it from her all day long… even during the ice cream social. She felt devastated and incredibly betrayed.

    I cannot blame her. I would have been infuriated to a point beyond what words can explain.

    “I love you so much, Heather. I love you so much.”

    Poor thing. She is probably used to people abandoning her so they don’t have to deal with her mom’s drama bullshit. It’s ridiculous. I feel bad for her because she is helpless to it at this age.

  • frogger414 says:

    This is the kind of BS my birth mom would pull on my Aunt (who adopted me at age 14). I would get upset because she would call me and go on and on about how I ruined the family and how I am a spoiled brat for everything. When I refused to talk to her on the phone my Aunt didn’t make me but she had to hear it from my mother. To this day, my mother has never told my Aunt “thank you” for taking me and and raising me, she still hates her for however long she’s hated her. It’s ridiculous.

    I’m sorry M’s mother treated you like that and she is a real piece of work. I don’t think you had anything to apologize for, if she truly wanted to be the one to break the news of the death, she should have called Marika directly and told her. And really, why does it matter who told her? Someone died that was important to Marika, she has a right to know as soon as possible and to be able to start the grieving process. What a friggen drama queen her mom is, taking focus away from a sad event and putting it on her because she’s all butthurt over nothing. Ugh.

    At least Marika is learning about boundaries and communication, thanks to your efforts and examples. I see turning into a person who is light years ahead of her mother as far as maturity and emotions go. And sadly, it could really piss her mom off more (I know it pissed mine off big time) but Marika is doing it for herself and that’s all that matters.

    *hugs*

  • frogger414 says:

    This is the kind of BS my birth mom would pull on my Aunt (who adopted me at age 14). I would get upset because she would call me and go on and on about how I ruined the family and how I am a spoiled brat for everything. When I refused to talk to her on the phone my Aunt didn’t make me but she had to hear it from my mother. To this day, my mother has never told my Aunt “thank you” for taking me and and raising me, she still hates her for however long she’s hated her. It’s ridiculous.

    I’m sorry M’s mother treated you like that and she is a real piece of work. I don’t think you had anything to apologize for, if she truly wanted to be the one to break the news of the death, she should have called Marika directly and told her. And really, why does it matter who told her? Someone died that was important to Marika, she has a right to know as soon as possible and to be able to start the grieving process. What a friggen drama queen her mom is, taking focus away from a sad event and putting it on her because she’s all butthurt over nothing. Ugh.

    At least Marika is learning about boundaries and communication, thanks to your efforts and examples. I see turning into a person who is light years ahead of her mother as far as maturity and emotions go. And sadly, it could really piss her mom off more (I know it pissed mine off big time) but Marika is doing it for herself and that’s all that matters.

    *hugs*

  • You totally did the right thing! You knew what was best for Marika and did that despite external forces that were working against you. I think that means you did everything “right.” And you didn’t mess up in the situation with the homeless guy–the police and the asshat behind you did. I bet he stopped at nothing to get to that $10, and it probably bought him a full meal. You should feel great about the good you’ve done for others in a multitude of stressful situations.

  • You totally did the right thing! You knew what was best for Marika and did that despite external forces that were working against you. I think that means you did everything “right.” And you didn’t mess up in the situation with the homeless guy–the police and the asshat behind you did. I bet he stopped at nothing to get to that $10, and it probably bought him a full meal. You should feel great about the good you’ve done for others in a multitude of stressful situations.

  • Every time I try to help, I keep fucking up.

    No, other people keep f***ing up. Just because they’re loud doesn’t mean they’re right. The universe will give those other people what they deserve in the end – and you’ll get the good you deserve, too.

    Why does she fucking treat me this way?

    I assume this is actually rhetorical, but just in case it isn’t – jealousy. Pure and simple. You’re succeeding where she failed, and even though you’re trying to help her succeed too, it’s easier to tear you down than to put in the work to lift herself up.

    And on a totally random note: When did you learn to drive?? I think I missed that!

  • Every time I try to help, I keep fucking up.

    No, other people keep f***ing up. Just because they’re loud doesn’t mean they’re right. The universe will give those other people what they deserve in the end – and you’ll get the good you deserve, too.

    Why does she fucking treat me this way?

    I assume this is actually rhetorical, but just in case it isn’t – jealousy. Pure and simple. You’re succeeding where she failed, and even though you’re trying to help her succeed too, it’s easier to tear you down than to put in the work to lift herself up.

    And on a totally random note: When did you learn to drive?? I think I missed that!

    • admin says:

      Thank you.

      Re: driving – I actually knew how to drive a long time ago, and did drive as a teen for about a year… the fear just got to me and made me stop.
      I refreshed my license earlier this year and after the initial freakout period I’ve been really good. When I’m having a bad day I have a lot of difficulty driving without panicking, though. It still sort of scares the shit out of me.

      • Welcome. πŸ™‚

        It took me forever to learn to drive. I mean, to really learn to do it right. I started when I was 15 and a half, and I don’t think I drove on freeways till I was.. 17? Almost 17 and a half? Scared the crap out of me. In fact, driving in heavy traffic was NOT something I could do until I came back from my mission. Actually, when I first came back, I could barely ride in a car without getting twitchy. So really, it’s been in the past year and a half that I’ve really become a good traffic driver.

        I still need the radio on, though, for stressful driving. You’d think the distraction would make it worse, but my brain needs something to think about besides, “Holy crap, I am going to die, there is no way I can get over, that semi is going to kill me…” Loud, fast music works best – then I think I’m a racecar driver. πŸ˜‰

      • Welcome. πŸ™‚

        It took me forever to learn to drive. I mean, to really learn to do it right. I started when I was 15 and a half, and I don’t think I drove on freeways till I was.. 17? Almost 17 and a half? Scared the crap out of me. In fact, driving in heavy traffic was NOT something I could do until I came back from my mission. Actually, when I first came back, I could barely ride in a car without getting twitchy. So really, it’s been in the past year and a half that I’ve really become a good traffic driver.

        I still need the radio on, though, for stressful driving. You’d think the distraction would make it worse, but my brain needs something to think about besides, “Holy crap, I am going to die, there is no way I can get over, that semi is going to kill me…” Loud, fast music works best – then I think I’m a racecar driver. πŸ˜‰

    • admin says:

      Thank you.

      Re: driving – I actually knew how to drive a long time ago, and did drive as a teen for about a year… the fear just got to me and made me stop.
      I refreshed my license earlier this year and after the initial freakout period I’ve been really good. When I’m having a bad day I have a lot of difficulty driving without panicking, though. It still sort of scares the shit out of me.

  • You are doing NOTHING wrong here. You are an incredible gift to her, to us, to the world. In so many ways.

    Reminded me of you even though we have not met:

    Photobucket

  • You are doing NOTHING wrong here. You are an incredible gift to her, to us, to the world. In so many ways.

    Reminded me of you even though we have not met:

    Photobucket

  • bluealoe says:

    Everyone else has said the important things already, so I’ll just add a couple of thoughts:

    1) As others have said, M’s mom is grieving and in pain, and she’s lashing out at you as a convenient target. It’s not about what you did or didn’t do; it’s about her.
    However, being yelled at and verbally abused HURTS. Knowing that you didn’t do anything to cause it doesn’t take away the pain. And I wish so much you didn’t have to go through this, to be M’s mom’s punching bag, because you are so damn amazing and so GOOD for Marika. Living with you is the absolute best thing for her right now, and don’t ever believe anyone who says otherwise.

    2) I have a great relationship with my mom. We’re very close, and I trust her with *everything*. That said, if she knew someone close to me had died and she didn’t tell me, I would be PISSED. I would feel so betrayed.
    If I can feel that way when I have a good relationship with my mom, I can only imagine how Marika would feel with all the distrust and communication issues. Which is my roundabout way of saying you absolutely made the right decision in telling her.

    Furthermore, you don’t make these decisions casually. You didn’t just wake up one day and think, “Gee, I’m bored today. I think I’ll try to sabotage my sister’s relationship with her mother.”
    You actually *think* about what’s best for Marika, you discuss and debate and weigh all the alternatives before you make a decision. And that is what makes you the perfect person to help Marika right now.

    3) Somewhat unrelated, but it is *really* cool that Marika comes home for lunch everyday. πŸ™‚

    4) I love you so much. I’m thinking of you every day, and I have faith that you’re doing the right thing for your sister and your family.

  • bluealoe says:

    Everyone else has said the important things already, so I’ll just add a couple of thoughts:

    1) As others have said, M’s mom is grieving and in pain, and she’s lashing out at you as a convenient target. It’s not about what you did or didn’t do; it’s about her.
    However, being yelled at and verbally abused HURTS. Knowing that you didn’t do anything to cause it doesn’t take away the pain. And I wish so much you didn’t have to go through this, to be M’s mom’s punching bag, because you are so damn amazing and so GOOD for Marika. Living with you is the absolute best thing for her right now, and don’t ever believe anyone who says otherwise.

    2) I have a great relationship with my mom. We’re very close, and I trust her with *everything*. That said, if she knew someone close to me had died and she didn’t tell me, I would be PISSED. I would feel so betrayed.
    If I can feel that way when I have a good relationship with my mom, I can only imagine how Marika would feel with all the distrust and communication issues. Which is my roundabout way of saying you absolutely made the right decision in telling her.

    Furthermore, you don’t make these decisions casually. You didn’t just wake up one day and think, “Gee, I’m bored today. I think I’ll try to sabotage my sister’s relationship with her mother.”
    You actually *think* about what’s best for Marika, you discuss and debate and weigh all the alternatives before you make a decision. And that is what makes you the perfect person to help Marika right now.

    3) Somewhat unrelated, but it is *really* cool that Marika comes home for lunch everyday. πŸ™‚

    4) I love you so much. I’m thinking of you every day, and I have faith that you’re doing the right thing for your sister and your family.

  • rabbitpaused says:

    You definitely shouldn’t apologise for telling your sister — that was the right thing to do. M’s grief is hers and hers alone, and breaking that kind of news isn’t the responsibility (or prize?) of any one person, it’s information that M had the right to know. It’s okay to say that you’re sorry that her mother’s upset over the whole thing, but you definitely shouldn’t feel sorry for doing the absolutely correct thing to do.

    Her mum sounds genuinely psychopathic though.

  • rabbitpaused says:

    You definitely shouldn’t apologise for telling your sister — that was the right thing to do. M’s grief is hers and hers alone, and breaking that kind of news isn’t the responsibility (or prize?) of any one person, it’s information that M had the right to know. It’s okay to say that you’re sorry that her mother’s upset over the whole thing, but you definitely shouldn’t feel sorry for doing the absolutely correct thing to do.

    Her mum sounds genuinely psychopathic though.

  • I was a mess at fifteen. I consider myself blessed that I’ve turned out as well as I have five years later. You have no idea how much reading this entry (and many others like it) makes me wish that I’d had an older sister like you. Someone to understand and teach me things when the whole world seemed to be against me (as it does at fifteen).

    Marika is lucky to have you and she knows it. Her mother’s attitude is disappointing but please don’t let it take away from the good you’re doing. Enjoy this time where you’re with her. I know if you have anything to say about it, by the time Marika’s my age she’ll be one hell of a fantastic person.

    Like you are.

    β™₯

  • I was a mess at fifteen. I consider myself blessed that I’ve turned out as well as I have five years later. You have no idea how much reading this entry (and many others like it) makes me wish that I’d had an older sister like you. Someone to understand and teach me things when the whole world seemed to be against me (as it does at fifteen).

    Marika is lucky to have you and she knows it. Her mother’s attitude is disappointing but please don’t let it take away from the good you’re doing. Enjoy this time where you’re with her. I know if you have anything to say about it, by the time Marika’s my age she’ll be one hell of a fantastic person.

    Like you are.

    β™₯

  • Heather, you just can’t win with some people. I admire that you try so hard with Marika’s mother, but it sounds like her jealousy about your roll in her daughter’s life is too all-encompassing for right now. Take a deep breath and let it go… Your circle of concern is so huge but your circle of influence within that is quite small, you can only do what you can do. The rest will come out in the wash!

  • Heather, you just can’t win with some people. I admire that you try so hard with Marika’s mother, but it sounds like her jealousy about your roll in her daughter’s life is too all-encompassing for right now. Take a deep breath and let it go… Your circle of concern is so huge but your circle of influence within that is quite small, you can only do what you can do. The rest will come out in the wash!

  • kissokomes says:

    You’re so tough, you must be made of some sort of flexible, gorgeous, Canadian steel. :3 Marika’s lucky to have you.

    On a lighter note, what Hallowe’en costumes did you guys get?

  • kissokomes says:

    You’re so tough, you must be made of some sort of flexible, gorgeous, Canadian steel. :3 Marika’s lucky to have you.

    On a lighter note, what Hallowe’en costumes did you guys get?

  • cece00 says:

    I think you were nicer than I wouldve been. I think you did the right thing and frankly, her mother doesnt have a leg to stand on. You are raising HER daughter because she is SUCH a piece of crap mother, so why on earth is she giving you crap? Legally, she should be paying you child support!!! But I’m guessing she doesnt think about stuff like that, and doesnt think about how grateful she should be to you…thats a shame.

    She’s rude and ungrateful and I would not have put up with her abusing me if were you. When she wouldve started all her BS, I would have nicely said “I’m sorry you feel that way, that wasnt my intention, it was a misunderstanding. I’m sorry for your loss, have a good day.” and hung up.

  • cece00 says:

    I think you were nicer than I wouldve been. I think you did the right thing and frankly, her mother doesnt have a leg to stand on. You are raising HER daughter because she is SUCH a piece of crap mother, so why on earth is she giving you crap? Legally, she should be paying you child support!!! But I’m guessing she doesnt think about stuff like that, and doesnt think about how grateful she should be to you…thats a shame.

    She’s rude and ungrateful and I would not have put up with her abusing me if were you. When she wouldve started all her BS, I would have nicely said “I’m sorry you feel that way, that wasnt my intention, it was a misunderstanding. I’m sorry for your loss, have a good day.” and hung up.

    • admin says:

      She’s actually still taking the child tax benefit every month, too – and demanding child support from dad (which he’s giving to me – she also didn’t pay him support when she was living with him)… it’s a battle I just don’t want to get into. I don’t think it’s worth the inevitable emotional stress for $200 extra bucks a month.

      Anyway, thank you. πŸ™‚

      • bluealoe says:

        How can she legally demand child support when her daughter isn’t living with her?!

        • cece00 says:

          Because unless a court order would change or show a change in custody, thereby changing the nature of the order, whatever stands is what is supposed to occur.

          So while a child can be living with their father, if the father is the ncp who is obligated to pay support per a court order, until that court order changes, he still owes support to the custodial parent per law.

          I’m not sure if there is any sort of order in this situation, that is just the way the law works.

        • cece00 says:

          Because unless a court order would change or show a change in custody, thereby changing the nature of the order, whatever stands is what is supposed to occur.

          So while a child can be living with their father, if the father is the ncp who is obligated to pay support per a court order, until that court order changes, he still owes support to the custodial parent per law.

          I’m not sure if there is any sort of order in this situation, that is just the way the law works.

      • bluealoe says:

        How can she legally demand child support when her daughter isn’t living with her?!

    • admin says:

      She’s actually still taking the child tax benefit every month, too – and demanding child support from dad (which he’s giving to me – she also didn’t pay him support when she was living with him)… it’s a battle I just don’t want to get into. I don’t think it’s worth the inevitable emotional stress for $200 extra bucks a month.

      Anyway, thank you. πŸ™‚

  • The most important thing here is Marika. She obviously needs you and you’ve obviously been there for her in her time of need. Deep down in your heart, you know that you and Curtis are doing what’s best for her. Her mother sounds like a fruitcake and that doesn’t sound like it’s ever going to change. I don’t think she’s ever going to be capable of stepping away from herself long enough to see that her actions are harming her daughter. From the little I know about the situation, it doesn’t seem like she would even care. It sounds like she likes to play the victim and that’s something I personally cannot stand.

    I know it’s hard, especially when she’s heaping abuse on you that you do not deserve. I know that you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place because you don’t want to do anything that might ruin any chance of Marika and her mother having some semblance of a healthy relationship in the future, but right now, it’s not her mother who needs the protecting. It’s Marika and it’s YOU. You deserve protecting from the batshit craziness just as much as Marika does. You have too much on your plate right now to deal with this absolute insanity.

    I think about you often. I know you don’t really know me, but sometimes I’ll see something that will make me think of you and your family and I’ll say a quick wish that I hope you’re having a good day or that things are going okay for you. I know Curtis’ operation is coming up and I will continue to think good thoughts and send positive energy your way so that everyone comes out of it with the best possible outcome for every single one of you involved. πŸ™‚

  • The most important thing here is Marika. She obviously needs you and you’ve obviously been there for her in her time of need. Deep down in your heart, you know that you and Curtis are doing what’s best for her. Her mother sounds like a fruitcake and that doesn’t sound like it’s ever going to change. I don’t think she’s ever going to be capable of stepping away from herself long enough to see that her actions are harming her daughter. From the little I know about the situation, it doesn’t seem like she would even care. It sounds like she likes to play the victim and that’s something I personally cannot stand.

    I know it’s hard, especially when she’s heaping abuse on you that you do not deserve. I know that you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place because you don’t want to do anything that might ruin any chance of Marika and her mother having some semblance of a healthy relationship in the future, but right now, it’s not her mother who needs the protecting. It’s Marika and it’s YOU. You deserve protecting from the batshit craziness just as much as Marika does. You have too much on your plate right now to deal with this absolute insanity.

    I think about you often. I know you don’t really know me, but sometimes I’ll see something that will make me think of you and your family and I’ll say a quick wish that I hope you’re having a good day or that things are going okay for you. I know Curtis’ operation is coming up and I will continue to think good thoughts and send positive energy your way so that everyone comes out of it with the best possible outcome for every single one of you involved. πŸ™‚

  • delababy says:

    Your loyalty should, is, and has to be towards Marika. That girl deserves to know that someone chooses HER first. Her mother should see that you love her daughter wholly and, in that, should show you gratitude and love for being there for her. Barring that she can f off. Keep your head up, you are doing the right things, otherwise you would not be getting the opposition you are getting. Take each strike against you, calmly, as confirmation of your decisions. Love M’s mom even though she doesn’t deserve it for a second. In doing so, you are doing a service for your sister, helping her to grow into a whole and happy person. Ad when you doubt yourself, look at Marika’s face until you come to your senses.

  • delababy says:

    Your loyalty should, is, and has to be towards Marika. That girl deserves to know that someone chooses HER first. Her mother should see that you love her daughter wholly and, in that, should show you gratitude and love for being there for her. Barring that she can f off. Keep your head up, you are doing the right things, otherwise you would not be getting the opposition you are getting. Take each strike against you, calmly, as confirmation of your decisions. Love M’s mom even though she doesn’t deserve it for a second. In doing so, you are doing a service for your sister, helping her to grow into a whole and happy person. Ad when you doubt yourself, look at Marika’s face until you come to your senses.

  • gardenmama says:

    Her mom is doing this to you because she is threatened by you. Nothing you do or say will be good enough. She wants you to scream at her so she can hate you. She doesn’t want you to facilitate a healthy relationship with her daughter, because that would be tantamount to admitted she can’t do that on her own. Sad but true.

    Keep doing what you are doing. Calm, rational talk on the phone with her. You might even tell her that if she starts yelling at you the conversation is over. She’ll tell people you hung up on her, but is that any worse than the lies she’s spreading about you anyway? Just keep supporting Marika. You are doing a wonderful job of being her sister!

  • gardenmama says:

    Her mom is doing this to you because she is threatened by you. Nothing you do or say will be good enough. She wants you to scream at her so she can hate you. She doesn’t want you to facilitate a healthy relationship with her daughter, because that would be tantamount to admitted she can’t do that on her own. Sad but true.

    Keep doing what you are doing. Calm, rational talk on the phone with her. You might even tell her that if she starts yelling at you the conversation is over. She’ll tell people you hung up on her, but is that any worse than the lies she’s spreading about you anyway? Just keep supporting Marika. You are doing a wonderful job of being her sister!

  • You were right. No matter what, in telling her you were right. That story about M’s dog and her mother putting it to sleep without telling her, the friends knowing – that exact same story was mine in 5th grade, only it was a cat. EVERYONE knew and no one told me and I had to find out when I got home from school and dinner with friends and family and went looking for my sick cat who I had been feeding every night to try to make her better. Trust issues, yeah.

    I understand M’s mom is obviously affected by the death of her friend, so it’s understandable to overreact at a moment like this, but your dad is right that you don’t need to apologize. What’s most important is that you really did, in this case, know what was best for Marika and she thanked you for it.

  • You were right. No matter what, in telling her you were right. That story about M’s dog and her mother putting it to sleep without telling her, the friends knowing – that exact same story was mine in 5th grade, only it was a cat. EVERYONE knew and no one told me and I had to find out when I got home from school and dinner with friends and family and went looking for my sick cat who I had been feeding every night to try to make her better. Trust issues, yeah.

    I understand M’s mom is obviously affected by the death of her friend, so it’s understandable to overreact at a moment like this, but your dad is right that you don’t need to apologize. What’s most important is that you really did, in this case, know what was best for Marika and she thanked you for it.

  • dwer says:

    Why does she fucking treat me this way? I am trying so fucking hard to do what I can for Marika, keep her healthy and safe and help her talk to her mom.

    That’s exactly why she treats you that way. You’re being a better person than she is, and she knows it.

  • dwer says:

    Why does she fucking treat me this way? I am trying so fucking hard to do what I can for Marika, keep her healthy and safe and help her talk to her mom.

    That’s exactly why she treats you that way. You’re being a better person than she is, and she knows it.

  • misti_k says:

    I admire you. So so much. The way you’re handling this entire situation is beyond admirable. Your actions are full of grace and humility. How the hell are you so wise?!

    Your relationship with Marika brings tears to my eyes.

  • misti_k says:

    I admire you. So so much. The way you’re handling this entire situation is beyond admirable. Your actions are full of grace and humility. How the hell are you so wise?!

    Your relationship with Marika brings tears to my eyes.

  • sylvanna says:

    M’s mom is threatened by you and there’s no way you can change that. You’re doing a wonderful job being a big sister in charge and even keeping her mom up to speed honestly. You can only keep on being Heather. The people who love you don’t want you to be anything else. These are not your mistakes. They are mistakes as others perceive them because they are other people.

  • sylvanna says:

    M’s mom is threatened by you and there’s no way you can change that. You’re doing a wonderful job being a big sister in charge and even keeping her mom up to speed honestly. You can only keep on being Heather. The people who love you don’t want you to be anything else. These are not your mistakes. They are mistakes as others perceive them because they are other people.

  • Delurking.

    If I’d had an older sister like you, my life would have been clearer from the get go. Perhaps I would have made the same mistakes, but I would have made them with an anchor nearby to keep me steady while I learned.

    I hope I can be to my brother what you are to your sister, at least a little.

  • Delurking.

    If I’d had an older sister like you, my life would have been clearer from the get go. Perhaps I would have made the same mistakes, but I would have made them with an anchor nearby to keep me steady while I learned.

    I hope I can be to my brother what you are to your sister, at least a little.

  • j_lew says:

    You arent going to win here,with this type of person, the woman feels as if you are pissing all over her territory and can only express it by shouting and screaming at you. Until she learns to communicate properly with you there isnt much you can do apart from what you have been doing, I mean I dont know why your sis and her Mum have issues but you seem to be doing over and above your bit to help her sort them. Mum clearly doesnt appreciate what you are doing for your sis, in fact it probably makes her seethe even more. Reading between the lines the woman sounds desperately unhappy.

  • j_lew says:

    You arent going to win here,with this type of person, the woman feels as if you are pissing all over her territory and can only express it by shouting and screaming at you. Until she learns to communicate properly with you there isnt much you can do apart from what you have been doing, I mean I dont know why your sis and her Mum have issues but you seem to be doing over and above your bit to help her sort them. Mum clearly doesnt appreciate what you are doing for your sis, in fact it probably makes her seethe even more. Reading between the lines the woman sounds desperately unhappy.

  • ajlinda says:

    You’ll never get a rational response from an irrational person. Her and your brother are very similar. You can’t win with them. They don’t want you to, for whatever reason. If you’re nice, you’re naive, stupid, or plotting against her. If you tell her to go fuck herself she’ll say she knew you were a bitch all along, which makes her right. Unfortunately you’re trying too hard for people who don’t care.
    Just like you tell little kids in school, don’t try too hard when making friends or you’ll push them away. They’ll either like you for you, or they’re not worth knowing anyway. Too bad it’s family in your case. Even if you did what she wants, she’ll say you didn’t do it right, and she’ll still be *right*. As long as Marika lives with you, you’ll be the bitch who wrongfully stole her daughter from her. You have to stop thinking about if you try harder, or just more, that she’ll understand. She wants to hate you, and you trying to get along is probably funny to her. (not now in this case) But as long as she knows she can get you really upset and you keep coming back for more of the abuse, she’ll keep dishing it out. If you didn’t tell Marika, it would have hurt your relationship a lot, and she’d have no one. You have to do right by her, not the mother. It’s just a fucked up situation and you’re doing the best you can, which is more than a lot of people do.

  • ajlinda says:

    You’ll never get a rational response from an irrational person. Her and your brother are very similar. You can’t win with them. They don’t want you to, for whatever reason. If you’re nice, you’re naive, stupid, or plotting against her. If you tell her to go fuck herself she’ll say she knew you were a bitch all along, which makes her right. Unfortunately you’re trying too hard for people who don’t care.
    Just like you tell little kids in school, don’t try too hard when making friends or you’ll push them away. They’ll either like you for you, or they’re not worth knowing anyway. Too bad it’s family in your case. Even if you did what she wants, she’ll say you didn’t do it right, and she’ll still be *right*. As long as Marika lives with you, you’ll be the bitch who wrongfully stole her daughter from her. You have to stop thinking about if you try harder, or just more, that she’ll understand. She wants to hate you, and you trying to get along is probably funny to her. (not now in this case) But as long as she knows she can get you really upset and you keep coming back for more of the abuse, she’ll keep dishing it out. If you didn’t tell Marika, it would have hurt your relationship a lot, and she’d have no one. You have to do right by her, not the mother. It’s just a fucked up situation and you’re doing the best you can, which is more than a lot of people do.

  • zdafos says:

    I rarely ever comment on your blog, but I just wanted to let you know (not that you need validating from me) that you did the right thing by telling Marika about the death and not withholding that information from her until later. She validated that point when she said “I’d rather hear it from you then from her. I’m glad you told me now. If you had kept it all day I’d feel betrayed.” , and that’s all that matters.

  • zdafos says:

    I rarely ever comment on your blog, but I just wanted to let you know (not that you need validating from me) that you did the right thing by telling Marika about the death and not withholding that information from her until later. She validated that point when she said “I’d rather hear it from you then from her. I’m glad you told me now. If you had kept it all day I’d feel betrayed.” , and that’s all that matters.

  • medland says:

    I think when dealing with someone this insane the only thing you can do is to politely ignore her. Her rage, I think, is actually not directed at you but at her situation. She is just angry and the world and you are an easy target because you love Marika so much. Keep on doing what you’re doing with Marika, and keep on communicating with her mum in terms of the weekly email or whatever. Other than that maybe just ignore her for a while. If she’s going to be batshit whether or not you talk to her then it might be better for you mental health to just not talk to her for a while. I’m so sorry you have to deal with her. I’m glad that Marika is doing so well.

  • medland says:

    I think when dealing with someone this insane the only thing you can do is to politely ignore her. Her rage, I think, is actually not directed at you but at her situation. She is just angry and the world and you are an easy target because you love Marika so much. Keep on doing what you’re doing with Marika, and keep on communicating with her mum in terms of the weekly email or whatever. Other than that maybe just ignore her for a while. If she’s going to be batshit whether or not you talk to her then it might be better for you mental health to just not talk to her for a while. I’m so sorry you have to deal with her. I’m glad that Marika is doing so well.

  • bluekermit says:

    You did the sister thing to do. Has nothing to do with trying to be a parent, as a sister you simply had to not hide. *hugs*

  • bluekermit says:

    You did the sister thing to do. Has nothing to do with trying to be a parent, as a sister you simply had to not hide. *hugs*

  • Anonymous says:

    (delurking as I feel I have to comment)

    In my opinion you did the absolute right thing. Keeping these sorts of things to yourself is just wrong.

    I found out during my Sixth Form Ball that my best friend’s Dad had died and she didn’t know. We had to keep it from her until the next morning and honestly she never really forgave us.

    What M’s Mum said to you made me very angry on your behalf. Grief can make a person do and say funny things but at the end of the day you are M’s sister and a damn good one at that. Why should you keep that sort of information from her. And how does it take away from her role as a Mother. I can’t understand that.

    I wish I could get my point across more eloquantly, but I wanted you know that in all the time I have followed your blog I have always admired the way you have handled family issues.

    M is lucky to have you as a Sister.

  • Anonymous says:

    (delurking as I feel I have to comment)

    In my opinion you did the absolute right thing. Keeping these sorts of things to yourself is just wrong.

    I found out during my Sixth Form Ball that my best friend’s Dad had died and she didn’t know. We had to keep it from her until the next morning and honestly she never really forgave us.

    What M’s Mum said to you made me very angry on your behalf. Grief can make a person do and say funny things but at the end of the day you are M’s sister and a damn good one at that. Why should you keep that sort of information from her. And how does it take away from her role as a Mother. I can’t understand that.

    I wish I could get my point across more eloquantly, but I wanted you know that in all the time I have followed your blog I have always admired the way you have handled family issues.

    M is lucky to have you as a Sister.

  • twirlie says:

    If its possible, my mum is crazier than M’s. She was both physically and emotionally abusive throughout most of my teens and a lot of my early 20’s. If it hadn’t been for her my life would be totally different now – I went through a very self destructive phase starting when I was 18 and ending just before I was 25, all because I was desperate to find something, anything to take the pain of how she treated me away. I almost completely screwed my life up because of it, and sometimes I wonder how the hell I’m even still here – although I thank my lucky stars that I am.

    I had no family to run to. She’d cut me off from all of them. I would have given my right arm to have a sister like you, who could have taken me in and made things okay for me while I got back on my feet. If I had, I might have some good memories of my early 20’s to look back on. What you’re doing for M is amazing, and one day, if she’s any kind of mother M’s mum is going to be very grateful to you for stepping in and helping when she couldn’t.

    I’m sorry things are so rough for you right now though. xx

  • twirlie says:

    If its possible, my mum is crazier than M’s. She was both physically and emotionally abusive throughout most of my teens and a lot of my early 20’s. If it hadn’t been for her my life would be totally different now – I went through a very self destructive phase starting when I was 18 and ending just before I was 25, all because I was desperate to find something, anything to take the pain of how she treated me away. I almost completely screwed my life up because of it, and sometimes I wonder how the hell I’m even still here – although I thank my lucky stars that I am.

    I had no family to run to. She’d cut me off from all of them. I would have given my right arm to have a sister like you, who could have taken me in and made things okay for me while I got back on my feet. If I had, I might have some good memories of my early 20’s to look back on. What you’re doing for M is amazing, and one day, if she’s any kind of mother M’s mum is going to be very grateful to you for stepping in and helping when she couldn’t.

    I’m sorry things are so rough for you right now though. xx

  • jenrose1 says:

    Love to you… it’s like a land mine, isn’t it? Talking to her? Never know when something’s going to blow up in your face. I hate being in that kind of situation, and one of the more prominent examples in my life had M’s mom’s name, spelled the usual way. If my best friend didn’t have the same name, I’d wonder if it was somehow cursed.

    Crazy lady is crazy.

  • jenrose1 says:

    Love to you… it’s like a land mine, isn’t it? Talking to her? Never know when something’s going to blow up in your face. I hate being in that kind of situation, and one of the more prominent examples in my life had M’s mom’s name, spelled the usual way. If my best friend didn’t have the same name, I’d wonder if it was somehow cursed.

    Crazy lady is crazy.

  • nursedekk says:

    Okay. I don’t know if anyone else said this but I need to tell you, dear. You are not to blame for someone abusing you. Her yelling at you is not your responsibility, it is her choice. If she cared that much about telling M herself then she would have called and talked to you personally to explain what she had in mind. Knowing that M was so close to this person, if M’s mom was serious about doing what was best for M then she would have made arrangements to communicate with M at the soonest opportunity – like you did. I don’t know if you are aware that you feel a responsibility to M’s mom to be there for her and try to make things work. And you do all you can but in the end she chooses her own behaviour and regardless of her emotions she does not have the right to scream at you and be verbally and emotionally abusive. I realize you probably know that you played into her twisted gambit in that conversation by responding to her accusations. I hope you know that there is nothing you can say that will change her mind or her behaviour. I realize that she has depths of emotion that lead to her acting and speaking the way she does but unless she chooses to change, she won’t. And I am concerned at how she gets to you and hurts you with what she does and says. You are doing your best but I think you need to look at her and realize that you are only responsible for treating her with respect and setting boundaries for how you will allow her to treat you. Regardless of what is going on in her life, if she screams at you and speaks disrespectfully to you then you cannot communicate. And my suggestion is to end the conversation at that point. I hope I don’t sound bossy or know it allish. I have a long history of abuse from my own parents and my inlaws and I recognized the pattern of trying to do all you can when there really is nothing to do. And seriously, unless she is willing to be your friend there is a limit on how much compassion/understanding/goodwill you can give to her because she will use it to hurt you more.

  • nursedekk says:

    Okay. I don’t know if anyone else said this but I need to tell you, dear. You are not to blame for someone abusing you. Her yelling at you is not your responsibility, it is her choice. If she cared that much about telling M herself then she would have called and talked to you personally to explain what she had in mind. Knowing that M was so close to this person, if M’s mom was serious about doing what was best for M then she would have made arrangements to communicate with M at the soonest opportunity – like you did. I don’t know if you are aware that you feel a responsibility to M’s mom to be there for her and try to make things work. And you do all you can but in the end she chooses her own behaviour and regardless of her emotions she does not have the right to scream at you and be verbally and emotionally abusive. I realize you probably know that you played into her twisted gambit in that conversation by responding to her accusations. I hope you know that there is nothing you can say that will change her mind or her behaviour. I realize that she has depths of emotion that lead to her acting and speaking the way she does but unless she chooses to change, she won’t. And I am concerned at how she gets to you and hurts you with what she does and says. You are doing your best but I think you need to look at her and realize that you are only responsible for treating her with respect and setting boundaries for how you will allow her to treat you. Regardless of what is going on in her life, if she screams at you and speaks disrespectfully to you then you cannot communicate. And my suggestion is to end the conversation at that point. I hope I don’t sound bossy or know it allish. I have a long history of abuse from my own parents and my inlaws and I recognized the pattern of trying to do all you can when there really is nothing to do. And seriously, unless she is willing to be your friend there is a limit on how much compassion/understanding/goodwill you can give to her because she will use it to hurt you more.

    • admin says:

      No… you’re right, and I know it.
      Because it’s the exact same things my therapist says to me every single time I talk to her. Stop the conversation. Say, “I cannot talk to you until you calm down” and hang up. I’m terrified of the phone ringing after months of this, emails, just… everything. I need to set boundaries.
      I haven’t talked to her on the phone in ages. I was setting that boundary. Today I felt bad for her, I thought maybe I could talk to her and just…I don’t know, let her know I cared. That believe it or not I DO understand what this is like. I have lost so many people in the last two years. But it was a fucking mistake, and I hate saying that: she’s vulnerable and angry and upset and that’s all normal… but that shit is not okay no matter what. I just… I don’t know. I want it to work out.

      • nursedekk says:

        *hug* You are a beautiful person. I wish the reward for being so beautiful was that you had extra protection from the real asses of this world but it generally means that you’re vulnerable to being taken in… Your compassion is wonderful and I know what it’s like to want something you have no control over. I don’t like the fact that with some people we have to choose between building walls or getting hurt…

      • nursedekk says:

        *hug* You are a beautiful person. I wish the reward for being so beautiful was that you had extra protection from the real asses of this world but it generally means that you’re vulnerable to being taken in… Your compassion is wonderful and I know what it’s like to want something you have no control over. I don’t like the fact that with some people we have to choose between building walls or getting hurt…

      • hyrkanian says:

        Something that is a huge help to me in dealing with my abusive ex-husband (that I have to communicate with because of our children) was to set up a separate email account just for him. Just checking my email on a regular basis was sending me into a tailspin. Even if there wasn’t yet another abusive email from him, I panicked at the thought that there *might* be one. So I set up a new gmail account and sent him an email from it with a bcc only to myself. Said something like “this is my new email address, please use it to contact me from now on” in a way that looked like it was sent to a lot of people. That way *I* could control when I dealt with him. Any email from him that showed up in my main account, I deleted without reading.

        So if emails from her are stressing you out (and it sounds like they are) this is a way for you to set some boundaries on it.

        And to reiterate what other comments have said, you are *NOT* fucking up every time you try to help someone. You are trying to help. Which is the right and good and human thing to do. Whether they choose to accept that help is up to them.

      • hyrkanian says:

        Something that is a huge help to me in dealing with my abusive ex-husband (that I have to communicate with because of our children) was to set up a separate email account just for him. Just checking my email on a regular basis was sending me into a tailspin. Even if there wasn’t yet another abusive email from him, I panicked at the thought that there *might* be one. So I set up a new gmail account and sent him an email from it with a bcc only to myself. Said something like “this is my new email address, please use it to contact me from now on” in a way that looked like it was sent to a lot of people. That way *I* could control when I dealt with him. Any email from him that showed up in my main account, I deleted without reading.

        So if emails from her are stressing you out (and it sounds like they are) this is a way for you to set some boundaries on it.

        And to reiterate what other comments have said, you are *NOT* fucking up every time you try to help someone. You are trying to help. Which is the right and good and human thing to do. Whether they choose to accept that help is up to them.

    • admin says:

      No… you’re right, and I know it.
      Because it’s the exact same things my therapist says to me every single time I talk to her. Stop the conversation. Say, “I cannot talk to you until you calm down” and hang up. I’m terrified of the phone ringing after months of this, emails, just… everything. I need to set boundaries.
      I haven’t talked to her on the phone in ages. I was setting that boundary. Today I felt bad for her, I thought maybe I could talk to her and just…I don’t know, let her know I cared. That believe it or not I DO understand what this is like. I have lost so many people in the last two years. But it was a fucking mistake, and I hate saying that: she’s vulnerable and angry and upset and that’s all normal… but that shit is not okay no matter what. I just… I don’t know. I want it to work out.

    • nursedekk says:

      I wrote that without reading anyone else’s thing. I think realizing where she’s coming from is important however protecting yourself is also important. Big difference from babies and animals is that this is an adult who is responsible for her own decisions which have led her to have an estranged daughter. And right now she is grieving. Fine, that doesn’t mean you have to be her punching bag. I totally agree with everyone who is saying how great you are for M and how you are doing the best for her. Breaking her trust would be so much worse than failing to live up to her mom’s unreasonable and changing expectations. Note: you didn’t have to ask permission to speak to M about such an important piece of info. You are her guardian at the moment which gives you a certain responsibility for all of her wellbeing and you aren’t responsible for guessing the needs of M’s mom. She is responsible to let you know how you can help her meet her needs and you have the right to say no and choose your own path. I understand she has emotions as a mom and someone who is grieving. Tell me this: if Curtis were to propose doing something that would hurt your kids the way that keeping the info from M would have hurt her would you feel he had the right to demand that of you? To expect it of you without telling you? To expect you to ask his permission before giving out info like it when he passed it to you thru an intermediary? No one has the right to expect you to bow to their wishes. It is controlling, manipulative and one of many ways that abusive people keep their victims in an abusive cycle. Maybe I’m saying something that’s obvious but I don’t like you submitting to something that you’re teaching M to handle by setting boundaries etc. Please feel free to discuss/disagree/laugh at me. The most important thing in this episode is that you took care of who you said you would. M is one step closer to healing and a little healthier grown as a person. Surely you can see that you did what you had to to make that happen?

    • nursedekk says:

      I wrote that without reading anyone else’s thing. I think realizing where she’s coming from is important however protecting yourself is also important. Big difference from babies and animals is that this is an adult who is responsible for her own decisions which have led her to have an estranged daughter. And right now she is grieving. Fine, that doesn’t mean you have to be her punching bag. I totally agree with everyone who is saying how great you are for M and how you are doing the best for her. Breaking her trust would be so much worse than failing to live up to her mom’s unreasonable and changing expectations. Note: you didn’t have to ask permission to speak to M about such an important piece of info. You are her guardian at the moment which gives you a certain responsibility for all of her wellbeing and you aren’t responsible for guessing the needs of M’s mom. She is responsible to let you know how you can help her meet her needs and you have the right to say no and choose your own path. I understand she has emotions as a mom and someone who is grieving. Tell me this: if Curtis were to propose doing something that would hurt your kids the way that keeping the info from M would have hurt her would you feel he had the right to demand that of you? To expect it of you without telling you? To expect you to ask his permission before giving out info like it when he passed it to you thru an intermediary? No one has the right to expect you to bow to their wishes. It is controlling, manipulative and one of many ways that abusive people keep their victims in an abusive cycle. Maybe I’m saying something that’s obvious but I don’t like you submitting to something that you’re teaching M to handle by setting boundaries etc. Please feel free to discuss/disagree/laugh at me. The most important thing in this episode is that you took care of who you said you would. M is one step closer to healing and a little healthier grown as a person. Surely you can see that you did what you had to to make that happen?

  • Anonymous says:

    Okay please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not trying to be mean or pick a fight – just trying to get you to see M’s mom’s side a little – it might make you feel a little better if you can see that it’s not just about her having some irrational hatred for you or anything.

    Her boyfriend died. That’s HUGE. I mean, no he wasn’t her husband, but think about the time before Curtis was your husband – did you love him less? Would you have not been broken and crazy if he had died?
    For some reason people think that a non-spousal significant other dying is like, a piece of cake – but it’s not. That is one of the most stupid misconceptions in the world, that just because you haven’t signed the dumb piece of paper yet, him dying will be no big thing.

    So, she’s in a REALLY bad place right now just from that. Her fucking boyfriend just died and she doesn’t know what the hell to do with herself. On top of that, she’s majorly both emotionally and physically estranged from her own daughter, and deep down she knows it’s her fault. That is another super hard thing to deal with, though I only have experience on the daughter end of that one. But obviously she loves her daughter, albeit in a warped way, or else she’d just leave you to raise her and never look back.

    Okay, so we have estranged daughter, emotions run wild for that. Then the boyfriend dies, and I mean, who wouldn’t snap?

    I think that she just needed to yell and scream. She’s hurting, she’s angry at the world, she’s depressed. She needed an emotional release. You were unlucky enough to have accidentally provided her an excuse to release those crazyass emotions all over *your* ass. Yes, of course she brought in some personal things because she could, but I don’t think you should really take this personally.

    She’s probably going batshit crazy right now and you actually did her a very nice, selfless service by letting her yell at you and not just hanging up on her. Grief is a motherfucker and everyone has their own weird ways of dealing with it. I am unfortunately similar to M’s mom in that I get angry and explode at the dumbest things.

    Anyway, I think you’re doing a wonderful job with Marika, and you did the right thing by telling her. M’s mom is crazy, we all know that, but sometimes take a step back and look at things from her perspective. She fucked up with Marika, yes – but it being her fault doesn’t make it hurt any less. And then her love dying on top of that, damn.

    I’m sorry she chooses to treat you like this in any situation, it really sucks and I’m not excusing her past behaviour. Like the above poster said, she needs a bad guy – someone that’s not her. It’s her coping mechanism – blame-shifting. And it’s shitty. But in a time like this, with everything going as wrong as it possibly can, maybe you can allow her a bit of misbehaviour so that she *can* cope. :-/

    That’s just my take on things.

    But beyond that, don’t doubt yourself with what you’re doing with Marika – from what I can tell, you’re doing awesomely. I wish I had her advantages (a loving support network, an escape from the abuse, etc) when I was going through sort-of-similar situations when I was a teen… Then maybe I wouldn’t be as scarred as I am.

    You rock, Heather, and you and Marika both are lucky to have each other. πŸ™‚ <3

  • Anonymous says:

    Okay please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not trying to be mean or pick a fight – just trying to get you to see M’s mom’s side a little – it might make you feel a little better if you can see that it’s not just about her having some irrational hatred for you or anything.

    Her boyfriend died. That’s HUGE. I mean, no he wasn’t her husband, but think about the time before Curtis was your husband – did you love him less? Would you have not been broken and crazy if he had died?
    For some reason people think that a non-spousal significant other dying is like, a piece of cake – but it’s not. That is one of the most stupid misconceptions in the world, that just because you haven’t signed the dumb piece of paper yet, him dying will be no big thing.

    So, she’s in a REALLY bad place right now just from that. Her fucking boyfriend just died and she doesn’t know what the hell to do with herself. On top of that, she’s majorly both emotionally and physically estranged from her own daughter, and deep down she knows it’s her fault. That is another super hard thing to deal with, though I only have experience on the daughter end of that one. But obviously she loves her daughter, albeit in a warped way, or else she’d just leave you to raise her and never look back.

    Okay, so we have estranged daughter, emotions run wild for that. Then the boyfriend dies, and I mean, who wouldn’t snap?

    I think that she just needed to yell and scream. She’s hurting, she’s angry at the world, she’s depressed. She needed an emotional release. You were unlucky enough to have accidentally provided her an excuse to release those crazyass emotions all over *your* ass. Yes, of course she brought in some personal things because she could, but I don’t think you should really take this personally.

    She’s probably going batshit crazy right now and you actually did her a very nice, selfless service by letting her yell at you and not just hanging up on her. Grief is a motherfucker and everyone has their own weird ways of dealing with it. I am unfortunately similar to M’s mom in that I get angry and explode at the dumbest things.

    Anyway, I think you’re doing a wonderful job with Marika, and you did the right thing by telling her. M’s mom is crazy, we all know that, but sometimes take a step back and look at things from her perspective. She fucked up with Marika, yes – but it being her fault doesn’t make it hurt any less. And then her love dying on top of that, damn.

    I’m sorry she chooses to treat you like this in any situation, it really sucks and I’m not excusing her past behaviour. Like the above poster said, she needs a bad guy – someone that’s not her. It’s her coping mechanism – blame-shifting. And it’s shitty. But in a time like this, with everything going as wrong as it possibly can, maybe you can allow her a bit of misbehaviour so that she *can* cope. :-/

    That’s just my take on things.

    But beyond that, don’t doubt yourself with what you’re doing with Marika – from what I can tell, you’re doing awesomely. I wish I had her advantages (a loving support network, an escape from the abuse, etc) when I was going through sort-of-similar situations when I was a teen… Then maybe I wouldn’t be as scarred as I am.

    You rock, Heather, and you and Marika both are lucky to have each other. πŸ™‚ <3

    • admin says:

      I want to say right away that I don’t disagree with what you’ve said – in fact I mentioned it in the entry that pain and anger are very valid things. I said it a few times. Just not in as much detail as you did.
      But I also didn’t write this entry for the purpose of being sympathetic to her: I wrote it for the purpose of my own venting… And I would NEVER EVER imply that losing your boyfriend is not painful. Ever.
      If Curtis died I’d be destroyed. Just as I was destroyed when Jericho died… and still remain so.

      This all said, I did want to say that I disagree with a certain part of the “gist” (at least, from what I’m reading?):
      I do not think that justifies abusing people. I just had a rant (on FO) about mom using the “dead baby card” to justify any random rant they want and it makes me incredibly angry. Giving someone a ‘get out of jail free’ because they’re upset is not okay. This is an extreme example but it reminds me of the, “Well he was molested at ten so that explains why he killed that boy” – not because that’s similar but because it feels like the same sort of excusing. You still need to be held accountable for your actions, even when you’re upset. You may be incredibly devastated, and ranting, raving, screaming, yelling… that’s expected. Dishing out half an hour of targeted abuse? The same abuse – verbatim – you’ve been barking on for the last year? Not cool.

      Abusing people is not okay. I didn’t go into gritty detail – and I ever intend to – on the kinds of things she says to me on a regular basis… let alone tonight. Not even Curtis reads the emails she sent me because I’m honestly afraid that if he did he would not be able to not flip is fucking lid after seeing the things she says about me, my family, my children, my parenting abilities, everything.

      I understand – very, very personally – what it feels like to lose someone you love that fucking much. I also know what it’s like to explode at people. Have a fight. Go nuts.

      But I don’t think it gives you a right, or excuse, to abuse people. Lie. Extort. Manipulate.
      There is so much more to this story than I have written here… and I don’t mean to sound insensitive – like I said, believe me I know this – but I don’t feel it gives someone a right to treat another person like that.
      She’s unstable: she has been for a long, long time before this. Her abuse has gone on for over a decade. I’m the most recent target… but I was also her first. 15 years ago.

      • Anonymous says:

        I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to come across as insensitive or condescending towards you. I don’t mean that it excuses her behaviour at all. I just meant it like, don’t blame yourself, because here’s what she’s going through and here’s how she feels, and while it doesn’t excuse her behaviour, it can give insight into WHY she is acting like that. And not that she should treat you that way, but your listening to her froth at the mouth like you did instead of just hanging up on her probably helped her more than you or even she knows.

      • Anonymous says:

        I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to come across as insensitive or condescending towards you. I don’t mean that it excuses her behaviour at all. I just meant it like, don’t blame yourself, because here’s what she’s going through and here’s how she feels, and while it doesn’t excuse her behaviour, it can give insight into WHY she is acting like that. And not that she should treat you that way, but your listening to her froth at the mouth like you did instead of just hanging up on her probably helped her more than you or even she knows.

    • admin says:

      I want to say right away that I don’t disagree with what you’ve said – in fact I mentioned it in the entry that pain and anger are very valid things. I said it a few times. Just not in as much detail as you did.
      But I also didn’t write this entry for the purpose of being sympathetic to her: I wrote it for the purpose of my own venting… And I would NEVER EVER imply that losing your boyfriend is not painful. Ever.
      If Curtis died I’d be destroyed. Just as I was destroyed when Jericho died… and still remain so.

      This all said, I did want to say that I disagree with a certain part of the “gist” (at least, from what I’m reading?):
      I do not think that justifies abusing people. I just had a rant (on FO) about mom using the “dead baby card” to justify any random rant they want and it makes me incredibly angry. Giving someone a ‘get out of jail free’ because they’re upset is not okay. This is an extreme example but it reminds me of the, “Well he was molested at ten so that explains why he killed that boy” – not because that’s similar but because it feels like the same sort of excusing. You still need to be held accountable for your actions, even when you’re upset. You may be incredibly devastated, and ranting, raving, screaming, yelling… that’s expected. Dishing out half an hour of targeted abuse? The same abuse – verbatim – you’ve been barking on for the last year? Not cool.

      Abusing people is not okay. I didn’t go into gritty detail – and I ever intend to – on the kinds of things she says to me on a regular basis… let alone tonight. Not even Curtis reads the emails she sent me because I’m honestly afraid that if he did he would not be able to not flip is fucking lid after seeing the things she says about me, my family, my children, my parenting abilities, everything.

      I understand – very, very personally – what it feels like to lose someone you love that fucking much. I also know what it’s like to explode at people. Have a fight. Go nuts.

      But I don’t think it gives you a right, or excuse, to abuse people. Lie. Extort. Manipulate.
      There is so much more to this story than I have written here… and I don’t mean to sound insensitive – like I said, believe me I know this – but I don’t feel it gives someone a right to treat another person like that.
      She’s unstable: she has been for a long, long time before this. Her abuse has gone on for over a decade. I’m the most recent target… but I was also her first. 15 years ago.

  • winterbourne says:

    I had a weird exchange with someone a bit like that. Seriously, if what she said about me was true I was twisted sociopath on par with Lex Luther, intent on making her feel bad about herself because I couldn’t understand the difference between a werewolf and a lycan.

    Yeah.

    Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but remember they’re wrong, you’re not a bad person, and their bullshit really has nothing to do with you. She’ll find things to accuse you of because she needs you to be the bad guy. If everything you do is wrong, then everything she’s doing in opposition is right and she’s justified behaving like a child.

    Like the d-bag in traffic, or the cops. They’re assholes. They don’t mean people well. They like to be assholes, think being an asshole is the right thing, and give people who aren’t assholes a hard time.

    You’re a good person and you mean people well. That you even give a crap what M’s mom is saying, that you even give a damn about helping her and respecting her shows that she’s completely off base. In my opinion.

    Keep doing what you’re doing, honey. It is the right thing. πŸ™‚

  • winterbourne says:

    I had a weird exchange with someone a bit like that. Seriously, if what she said about me was true I was twisted sociopath on par with Lex Luther, intent on making her feel bad about herself because I couldn’t understand the difference between a werewolf and a lycan.

    Yeah.

    Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but remember they’re wrong, you’re not a bad person, and their bullshit really has nothing to do with you. She’ll find things to accuse you of because she needs you to be the bad guy. If everything you do is wrong, then everything she’s doing in opposition is right and she’s justified behaving like a child.

    Like the d-bag in traffic, or the cops. They’re assholes. They don’t mean people well. They like to be assholes, think being an asshole is the right thing, and give people who aren’t assholes a hard time.

    You’re a good person and you mean people well. That you even give a crap what M’s mom is saying, that you even give a damn about helping her and respecting her shows that she’s completely off base. In my opinion.

    Keep doing what you’re doing, honey. It is the right thing. πŸ™‚

  • lutin says:

    My mom is like Marika’s sometimes. It’s really hard to know what to do.

  • lutin says:

    My mom is like Marika’s sometimes. It’s really hard to know what to do.

  • alexparte says:

    It is really amazing for you to do this for your sister, to take her in. I also have an older older half-sister; our father abused both our mothers, and our respective mothers abused us. She didn’t do as much for me as you’re doing for your sister (she was living abroad for much of my childhood), but her intellectual guidance and input and love and support was HUGE to me and it meant the world. I am sure that Marika will be grateful to you for the rest of her life, and that your influence on her will be very profound. I know it hurts that M’s mom is lashing out at you, but better that she lashes out at a grown-up and not her child, you know?

  • alexparte says:

    It is really amazing for you to do this for your sister, to take her in. I also have an older older half-sister; our father abused both our mothers, and our respective mothers abused us. She didn’t do as much for me as you’re doing for your sister (she was living abroad for much of my childhood), but her intellectual guidance and input and love and support was HUGE to me and it meant the world. I am sure that Marika will be grateful to you for the rest of her life, and that your influence on her will be very profound. I know it hurts that M’s mom is lashing out at you, but better that she lashes out at a grown-up and not her child, you know?

  • jesamin says:

    She is a frightened child (M’s mom) and is lashing out because she can see that she is ‘losing’ here. And I know it’s not a battle to be won but that’s how she sees it (I’m guessing) and she’s freaking out. I’m sure she thought the death of their friend would be the catalyst that brought Marika back to her and when that didn’t work out as planned, she freaked. You ARE doing the right thing. I wish I had the kind of relationship you two have with my sisters.

  • jesamin says:

    She is a frightened child (M’s mom) and is lashing out because she can see that she is ‘losing’ here. And I know it’s not a battle to be won but that’s how she sees it (I’m guessing) and she’s freaking out. I’m sure she thought the death of their friend would be the catalyst that brought Marika back to her and when that didn’t work out as planned, she freaked. You ARE doing the right thing. I wish I had the kind of relationship you two have with my sisters.

  • tau says:

    This is obviously a long-time struggle for Marika’s mom. You are not the catalyst, you’re just in the soup right now.

    She obviously feels very strongly about things, and I’m sure she feels like she has been and is losing her connection to her daughter. Again, this has nothing to do with you – you are just a convenient deflection.

    I feel for her – I believe she loves Marika. She just doesn’t have the skills that you do, that your father does, or that Markia is learning.

    As bad as this sounds, try to think of these interactions as a parent/toddler conflict. She is emotional, out of control, and desperately wants something she has no idea how to attain. She is pounding sand.

    Its hard to get mad at babies and animals for doing what is essential to their nature. For the time being, this is the case for her. Its not personal – everything she is saying is really about her own insecurities, fear, and desperation. It has nothing to do with you. If you can let it be depersonalized (and I know its easier said than done), it can take the sting out of it.

    You are doing the very best for Marika that you now how to do. You are doing your best for her mother. This is all you can do. You are making all the right moves – keep Marika’s best interests in sight, and you can’t really go wrong.

  • tau says:

    This is obviously a long-time struggle for Marika’s mom. You are not the catalyst, you’re just in the soup right now.

    She obviously feels very strongly about things, and I’m sure she feels like she has been and is losing her connection to her daughter. Again, this has nothing to do with you – you are just a convenient deflection.

    I feel for her – I believe she loves Marika. She just doesn’t have the skills that you do, that your father does, or that Markia is learning.

    As bad as this sounds, try to think of these interactions as a parent/toddler conflict. She is emotional, out of control, and desperately wants something she has no idea how to attain. She is pounding sand.

    Its hard to get mad at babies and animals for doing what is essential to their nature. For the time being, this is the case for her. Its not personal – everything she is saying is really about her own insecurities, fear, and desperation. It has nothing to do with you. If you can let it be depersonalized (and I know its easier said than done), it can take the sting out of it.

    You are doing the very best for Marika that you now how to do. You are doing your best for her mother. This is all you can do. You are making all the right moves – keep Marika’s best interests in sight, and you can’t really go wrong.

    • admin says:

      Thank you for this.
      And… you’ve said almost exactly what my therapist has. Especially about the toddler thing, and about using skills that we use with kids: like repetition and firm boundaries like “we’ve already discussed this, we’re not going to talk about it again”. It’s helpful.

    • admin says:

      Thank you for this.
      And… you’ve said almost exactly what my therapist has. Especially about the toddler thing, and about using skills that we use with kids: like repetition and firm boundaries like “we’ve already discussed this, we’re not going to talk about it again”. It’s helpful.

  • ecosopher says:

    I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of this bullshit, as well as the other stuff that you are dealing with right now. And I’m sorry that for all Marika’s mother’s ranting, it seemed more about her (Marika’s mum) than it did about what would be best for Marika – maybe that’s due to grief, who knows.

    I hope things settle down for you all soon.

  • ecosopher says:

    I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of this bullshit, as well as the other stuff that you are dealing with right now. And I’m sorry that for all Marika’s mother’s ranting, it seemed more about her (Marika’s mum) than it did about what would be best for Marika – maybe that’s due to grief, who knows.

    I hope things settle down for you all soon.

  • ihatepavel says:

    If they wanted to inform Marika, they shouldn’t have told you guys until they were able to do so. Because yeah, it’s disingenuous to expect you to fake it.

    Agreed with the first comment. The mom’s behavior is not a reflection on you. But it will impact your relationship with her (Marika’s mom) so it sounds to me that you are not going to be able to get what you want out of that relationship at this time, no matter what you do. She just may not be capable at having a functional relationship.

  • ihatepavel says:

    If they wanted to inform Marika, they shouldn’t have told you guys until they were able to do so. Because yeah, it’s disingenuous to expect you to fake it.

    Agreed with the first comment. The mom’s behavior is not a reflection on you. But it will impact your relationship with her (Marika’s mom) so it sounds to me that you are not going to be able to get what you want out of that relationship at this time, no matter what you do. She just may not be capable at having a functional relationship.

  • iluvrob20 says:

    you are completely in the right. this is not you thing, this is a her thing. M’s mom is a bizzaro witch. I wish I had a sister that would take me and teach me and include me and make me part of the family. you are teaching Marika that mother’s don’t have to be batsit and families can be normal (well as normal as any of us are).

    You are doing a great job. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fucktard.

  • iluvrob20 says:

    you are completely in the right. this is not you thing, this is a her thing. M’s mom is a bizzaro witch. I wish I had a sister that would take me and teach me and include me and make me part of the family. you are teaching Marika that mother’s don’t have to be batsit and families can be normal (well as normal as any of us are).

    You are doing a great job. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fucktard.

  • shechinah_el says:

    “You’re not my mother: you’re my sister. And I love you.”

    “I’m so glad you’re my daughter.”

    “Bless you”

    You did all the right things today. The people who matter know this and will remember it.

    <3

  • shechinah_el says:

    “You’re not my mother: you’re my sister. And I love you.”

    “I’m so glad you’re my daughter.”

    “Bless you”

    You did all the right things today. The people who matter know this and will remember it.

    <3

  • I think you are a fantastic sister. What you are doing for her speaks volumes and she will cherish that one day. I know it is hard trying to forget what her mom said, but you are an incredibly strong woman. I hope it all goes well for you.

  • I think you are a fantastic sister. What you are doing for her speaks volumes and she will cherish that one day. I know it is hard trying to forget what her mom said, but you are an incredibly strong woman. I hope it all goes well for you.

  • comitto says:

    you did the right thing, and marika is very lucky to have you as a sister. *hug*

  • comitto says:

    you did the right thing, and marika is very lucky to have you as a sister. *hug*

  • facethemoon says:

    I don’t know what to say, but I read this, and I think you’re doing right by Marika. You’re both lucky to have each other.

  • facethemoon says:

    I don’t know what to say, but I read this, and I think you’re doing right by Marika. You’re both lucky to have each other.

  • Whisky tango foxtrot? Like telling someone that a loved one died is a prize?

    It just doesn’t make sense. You tell the news. It’s part of the phone tree. When my dad died my mom was on the phone a lot and it took her a while to call all of us, so we had to talk to each other and pass the news. It was more important for all of us to get the news than it was for my mom to be “the one” to tell us. Jesus on a pony on a boat on the ocean.

  • Whisky tango foxtrot? Like telling someone that a loved one died is a prize?

    It just doesn’t make sense. You tell the news. It’s part of the phone tree. When my dad died my mom was on the phone a lot and it took her a while to call all of us, so we had to talk to each other and pass the news. It was more important for all of us to get the news than it was for my mom to be “the one” to tell us. Jesus on a pony on a boat on the ocean.

    • Oooh, and I like ~~her~~ name change. Heh.

    • Oooh, and I like ~~her~~ name change. Heh.

    • tau says:

      I think this person was a very tenable connection between Marika and her mom.

      I expect that Marika’s mom feels like shes losing her relationship with her daughter, and sharing this grief with her could have been a very real thing to share together. (although I don’t expect she was consciously aware of this dynamic)

      Thats pretty powerful stuff, and she feels like shes lost that opportunity. In her desperation, she lashed out at a convenient target… heather.

      Its not an appropriate reaction, and she handled herself badly – but from the little that has been shared prior to this, I expect that this woman doesn’t have a lot of personal insight or the skills to communicate well.

      I don’t condone what she did, but I think I can understand it.

    • tau says:

      I think this person was a very tenable connection between Marika and her mom.

      I expect that Marika’s mom feels like shes losing her relationship with her daughter, and sharing this grief with her could have been a very real thing to share together. (although I don’t expect she was consciously aware of this dynamic)

      Thats pretty powerful stuff, and she feels like shes lost that opportunity. In her desperation, she lashed out at a convenient target… heather.

      Its not an appropriate reaction, and she handled herself badly – but from the little that has been shared prior to this, I expect that this woman doesn’t have a lot of personal insight or the skills to communicate well.

      I don’t condone what she did, but I think I can understand it.

  • travellight says:

    You are doing the right things. Her mother’s craziness are not a reflection of you. Her actions are a manifestation of some sort of rottenness in her, and she’s going to do what she’s going to do, and you have to do what you have to do, for your health, and for the health of your family.

    You are a warm and loving person who does the very best way she knows how to do every day, without fail. You should be proud of yourself for that. You are changing the world by three children.

  • travellight says:

    You are doing the right things. Her mother’s craziness are not a reflection of you. Her actions are a manifestation of some sort of rottenness in her, and she’s going to do what she’s going to do, and you have to do what you have to do, for your health, and for the health of your family.

    You are a warm and loving person who does the very best way she knows how to do every day, without fail. You should be proud of yourself for that. You are changing the world by three children.

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