My mood today was already fragile. I had a horrible, spirit-crushing nightmare last night that my mother had died.
Things were different: I was not married, had no children and lived in a house with my mother. She was downstairs in a suite, I was upstairs.
Slowly, she became sick and died. Of what was never made clear, only that it took a long time. She was bedridden by the end. I kept waking slightly, and falling back to sleep, going back into the same dream but the timeline would skip around.
In one part, I was sitting on the bed with her, brushing her long hair. She was barely mobile now, and tired. She was trying to get me to hire a nurse because she did not want to admit she was beginning to need bedpans, or diapers due to her inability to get out of bed much anymore… she didn’t want it to be my responsibility.
I didn’t understand what she was saying: I just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, and keep every second before she passed.

In another, I was sitting on the edge of her bed with boxes upon boxes of her artifacts. Pieces of jewelery, rocks, stones, loops of bracelets, feathers and statues from long dead cultures. Things she’s had all her life, collected and found, she keeps them everywhere in an uncoordinated mess.
In the dream I had a label-maker, the paper kind, and a large binder full of plastic pocket pages separated by ruled sheets. One by one, we went through every little artifact and piece she owned, labelled them and wrote it’s story. For weeks we went through them all. She told me tales of times with her mother and father, her brother, things she did as a child and places she travelled. I learned all of her stories, wrote them down and kept them so I would never regret not getting them all. I had to know the history of everything.

The end of the dream was the worst part. It was close to Christmas, or the holiday season anyway. I was sitting on the floor, against the wall of her livingroom in the basement suite. My brother and his wife were there too. They were also sitting on the floor, but across from me on the other side of the room. It was silent and awkward. There was a large, bushy artificial white Christmas tree in one corner, near them, it was half-decorated in beautiful gold and silver orbs and garlands. We had given up before we finished.
Breaking the silence, my brother asks, “So, what can we do for Yule?”
This is significant for me, because my brother could care less about my beliefs and holiday traditions. He was trying to cheer me up, make an effort… but I apathetic. I told him, “It depends on how you follow it.” I said something about colours, and then trailed off and fell silent again. He didn’t push the issue.
I got up and left the room, sat outside my mother’s bedroom door. Inside my father was sitting with her, he had come to visit before she passed. I could hear her crying. She was delusional, calling out, “Mama, mama! The bed is spinning!”.

My chest felt heavy and cold. I sobbed quietly, but couldn’t move. BW came to sit with me and whispered, “Why don’t you go inside?”
I said nothing; just shook my head. She urged me to go in. I cried harder, a little louder now.
My mother heard me, and somehow it drew her out of her delusion. The door opened and I saw her standing there, leaning heavily on a chest of drawers for support. I was angry that she had stood up, knowing how much pain and effort it took to do. In the back of the room my father was seated in a chair, he looked pensive and his eyes were swollen.

My mother collapsed back into her bed, and I went down with her. She held my hand. I don’t remember what she said, but I knew it was important. She loved me. I told her I needed her too much.
And then her fingers slipped away. I threw my head back and screamed, crying, angry, torn to pieces by her loss. I had no one. My father stayed where he was out of respect. My brother and his wife didn’t move from the livingroom.

Somewhere else in the dream I was sitting in the hallway in an early morning, silent and barely lit through gauzy curtains in a tiny window over my head. It was cold and lonely.
I had not cleaned or changed anything in months. I sat in the hallway, tears silently flowing, realizing how lonely and oppressive it felt sitting there. How could she have been happy here? I put my head on my knees and cried.

I struggled to wake up, and vaguely remember moving my legs over, before I fell back to sleep. Now I was sitting at a table with Curtis, but he was a friend and not a partner. He was trying to tell me how many other people I had in my life. “It isn’t the same,” I said. “I have no one to talk to. Not like I talked to her.”
“You have your father, your friends, your brother–“
I interrupted him. “My brother? Are you kidding me?”
He got angry, I got angrier. I stood up and left.

I woke up feeling as though a tonne of stone had been placed on me. I was heavy and sore, my chest was heaving in a broken sob and my eyes were sore and damp.
Curtis made me coffee, and I sat on the couch waiting to hear my mother come downstairs to use the toaster for her breakfast, as she often does. Finally, 25 minutes later I heard her door open. Even though I know it’s just a dream, I was awash in relief.

The weight of the emotional impact set my fragility for the day.


Curtis and I worked so hard all day to clean, cook, bake and prep something really special. Curtis made amazing chocolate mousse cups with pastry shells and everything (for the adults), home-made tsatsiki sauce for pitas, cream cheese icing with banana liquor for the banana muffins and sugar-and-egg-free scrumptious birthday cake I was baking. Each muffin was then decorated in fan-cut, fresh strawberries. Strawberries in the shape of a “2” were also put on his cake.

We went out and got organic apple cider and Tempest picked out a strawberry/banana smoothie drink to go with it.
LC was staying the weekend, through to Tuesday, so she was here already; Freja played happily with the kids while we prepared.

We set everything up on the table, with our special present to Xan gift-wrapped in a bag with ribbons.
And then we waited. And waited. And waited.
Someone messaged me to cancel, a friend who was working through the afternoon told me another person was trying to find a ride. Three o’clock was the set party time.

By four, no one had showed up. No one was coming.

I even started calling people, people I had only seen once, or friends of Tempest from school. No one was home. I left messages, saying that we were having “a little party” and if they wanted to come by, they could. I tried not to sound as devastated as I felt.
No one came to the first party we threw for my baby boy’s birthday.

I went into the kitchen where Curtis was icing the cake, and he held me while I cried.
It isn’t about the number of people, it just felt…. awful. I felt awful. Xan was snoozing away in the bedroom and couldn’t care less, but I was falling apart.
I called my father in hopes he could reassure me. He wasn’t in, so I left him a message briefly telling what had happened, and asked if he could call back and wish my baby a happy birthday.

20 minutes later he called, between teaching a class somewhere in the middle of nowhere up North, on a dying cellphone with almost no reception, and told me a story about his sixth birthday party where he invited everyone he knew…. and one child from down the street he barely knew showed up. Somewhere, he said, there is a slide of him standing in the backyard with that one other child, looking so sad and lonely.
“So,” he told me, “Your call tugged at my heartstrings. Put Xan on the phone.”
We did, and he sang him ‘Happy birthday’. Xan stayed and listened to the whole thing, then quietly clapped and said, “Yay!” when he finished.

An hour and a half late, someone showed up. I changed my Facebook status, a little passive aggressively, to say I was upset that no one showed.
Ten minutes later a phone call came to say someone was going to come.
In the end, we had two guests, late in the afternoon and almost into the evening. It was a good time, and I am grateful for them coming, but it does not make up for the hurt feelings.
I’m especially angry that with the little family I have locally, none are ever bothered to come. I’m not speaking for my father who is legitimately busy but always makes time to send his wishes and love, but for my brother… who has been invited to every birthday every year and has never even dropped in to say hello, or given presents.
It isn’t about the gifts, just as today wasn’t about the number of people, it’s about the spirit. It’s my children’s birthdays, they’re your family too… please try.

Late this evening Curtis and I walked down to the store for snacks, and an emergency frozen pizza because no one felt like preparing dinner after today.
I cried as we walked: these last few weeks I’ve tried so hard to keep things positive, to stay afloat and resist the spiral that takes me down until I hit the bottom on the first of November. Every day I am aware of it, and make an effort to make this day different, this day happier, this day will go better. But it isn’t working, and I can feel my soul dragging me down while I the efforts to claw my way back up seem more and more useless.
It is difficult to resist the comfortable familiarity of depression; to just let myself fall in and rest there in the cloak of tears and grief and separate myself from reality. Suffering from chronic depression most of your life leads to it feeling strangely comfortable and reassuring while it tears away at you. It’s almost sickly sweet to stay there and feel nothing for anything but overwhelming, selfish sadness.

On the days I fail the worst, I am filled with bad memories and bad feelings. I pick fights with Curtis and my mind swirls with terrible things from my youth.
Two days ago I somehow got into telling Curtis about my fourth grade teacher who used to invite the girls, then nine, to sit on his lap while he spoke to the class or graded papers at his desk. I am not sure if he favoured me, or if it was the ego of childhood made me think I was the only one.
He would stroke my thighs, and my hair, smile at me in a way that made me feel sick to my stomach. Nothing was so obviously wrong about the situation that I felt compelled to tell my parents. What would I say? I knew it felt uneasy, but I didn’t know why.

One day he told me to come over, patted his knees and held out an arm. I wouldn’t sit. He wrapped his arm around me, brought me close to him and pulled out a math test. He told me I cheated, because I didn’t show my work. I denied it, explaining that I didn’t need to. I did long division in my head: I never “did” the work the way he had wanted me to.
That sick smile never left as he drew his hand up my spine and pinched the tendons in the back of my neck, holding me in place. Softly he said, “You’re a cheater, Heather. And I don’t like cheaters.”
I was so scared, but I didn’t even know what it was I was fearing. He wouldn’t stop until I told him I was a “cheater”. I remember shaking my head no, even as he came so close I could feel his breath on my skin, because I couldn’t let go of my pride.
Eventually, I cracked. Slowly he let go, put his hand on my hip and said, “There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?” and he pushed me back to my desk. I felt ashamed and guilty, as though I was covered in grime I couldn’t remove. He didn’t call me over as often after that, but I remember him calling over another girl in the class.
The first time she was smiling happily, overjoyed and filled with childish ego over the idea that the teacher had chosen her to come and sit with him because he was thought she was so very smart.

Years later I told my mother what had happened. She was furious, because she recognized his name. Apparently he used to teach at the school there, and was frequently in trouble. People never spoke highly of him. The why wasn’t clear. He was shifted around the system and pushed off the island, and somewhere else. I suppose I wasn’t the only one he liked. By that time, I had no idea where he was or even if he ever crossed the line far enough to get himself finally fired instead of simply transferred. It seems that teachers who did that, and worse, were often just shifted through that system.
We had one teacher in high school who got two 14 year olds in his classes pregnant, and he was still teaching, still harassing students in the building and in their personal life. I never understood why they weren’t just fired the first time.

When I am this far down, I can’t stop those things from surrounding me. It feels invasive and uncomfortable. I think when your emotional state is in a similar place, it’s like an association game: your spirit goes down the line of similar emotional turmoil until you become lost in it.
On the walk to the store, somehow I told Curtis all I could.
“It’s okay to go there,” he said. “It’s understandable.”
But I tried so hard to stay afloat before I got to the First.
“I want to do something this year but I don’t know if I can.”
“You don’t have to, you don’t even have to leave the bed if you don’t think you can.”

I want him to be three this year. I want my black-haired, beautiful baby boy to be three. I want to hold him tighter and feel his weight against my chest, smell his hair and kiss his warm skin and feel him sleeping next to me at night.
I am so angry that I didn’t hold him closer.

Comments

comments

104 Comments

  • Third Son turned 13 ten days ago. What did we do? Not much. Because so many other birthdays we “did it up” in different fashions and no one he invited showed. I couldn’t bring myself to go through it again. He said he just wanted to go to the reading festival and we did. But he avoided having a “do” and I let him. Because it just hurt me too much. And I know that’s so damned selfish of me.

    He’s Aspie, he doesn’t NEED people like I do. He got his presents, his dinner and what he wanted.
    But it still hurt me.

  • Third Son turned 13 ten days ago. What did we do? Not much. Because so many other birthdays we “did it up” in different fashions and no one he invited showed. I couldn’t bring myself to go through it again. He said he just wanted to go to the reading festival and we did. But he avoided having a “do” and I let him. Because it just hurt me too much. And I know that’s so damned selfish of me.

    He’s Aspie, he doesn’t NEED people like I do. He got his presents, his dinner and what he wanted.
    But it still hurt me.

  • ajlinda says:

    I’m so sorry this happened. Your post made me cry. Just an FYI, on my son’s birthday my daughter and I get a bunch of balloons, (one harry potter,his fave) and drive to the cemetary, sing happy birthday and tie a birthday note to the balloon ribbon and release them. Just a small thing but it makes it feel like we’re doing something, when I don’t feel like doing anything that day.
    ((hug))

  • ajlinda says:

    I’m so sorry this happened. Your post made me cry. Just an FYI, on my son’s birthday my daughter and I get a bunch of balloons, (one harry potter,his fave) and drive to the cemetary, sing happy birthday and tie a birthday note to the balloon ribbon and release them. Just a small thing but it makes it feel like we’re doing something, when I don’t feel like doing anything that day.
    ((hug))

  • the_wanlorn says:

    When I was 13, everyone who I’d invited to my birthday party just didn’t show up. No calls, no nothing. Including my best friend.

    I’m convinced this happens to nearly every kid at some point. ♥

  • the_wanlorn says:

    When I was 13, everyone who I’d invited to my birthday party just didn’t show up. No calls, no nothing. Including my best friend.

    I’m convinced this happens to nearly every kid at some point. ♥

  • You know, people not caring for their own family makes me so mad. If it is any consolation, I have some crappy extended family myself. πŸ™‚ You know, I only live a couple hours north of you, and come April, I’ll be able to drive on my own. I just want you to know that if you ever want someone to come to your baby’s party, I’ll be there, because I know how crappy it feels to be totally ignored. Not so hot. (((((HUGS)))))

    It’s okay to feel sad sometime. Take a walk in all this gorgeous fall weather we’re having and soak some of it up. It seems to make me happy when it feels like the world’s crushing in. I understand.

    Thinking of you,
    Christine

  • You know, people not caring for their own family makes me so mad. If it is any consolation, I have some crappy extended family myself. πŸ™‚ You know, I only live a couple hours north of you, and come April, I’ll be able to drive on my own. I just want you to know that if you ever want someone to come to your baby’s party, I’ll be there, because I know how crappy it feels to be totally ignored. Not so hot. (((((HUGS)))))

    It’s okay to feel sad sometime. Take a walk in all this gorgeous fall weather we’re having and soak some of it up. It seems to make me happy when it feels like the world’s crushing in. I understand.

    Thinking of you,
    Christine

  • I’m so so sorry Heather. Sometimes all we can do is retreat for a little while. Sending empathy and strength.

  • I’m so so sorry Heather. Sometimes all we can do is retreat for a little while. Sending empathy and strength.

  • gardenmama says:

    Some days you just have to lay down on the floor and pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist while gravity holds you captive. And other days you have the energy to get up and pretend to be normal. I know that feeling.

    I’ve also had that dream that my mom died and I had to call her and hear her voice just to know.

     

  • gardenmama says:

    Some days you just have to lay down on the floor and pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist while gravity holds you captive. And other days you have the energy to get up and pretend to be normal. I know that feeling.

    I’ve also had that dream that my mom died and I had to call her and hear her voice just to know.

     

  • gypsymommy says:

    I am so sorry to hear about Xan’s birthday party. When Amberielle turned, no one showed up for her party either. I was devastated. We ended up asking two strange kids from down the street over so she had someone to play with.

    My old elementary school principal was much like your old teacher. He’d call us girls into his office, have us sit on his lap. I’ll never forget how he always reeked of beer (to this day the smell makes me sick). When I was in college he was reported by some girls for doing inappropriate things and took his own life.
    People of authority who abuse their power like that make me sick.

    Many thoughts for you.

  • gypsymommy says:

    I am so sorry to hear about Xan’s birthday party. When Amberielle turned, no one showed up for her party either. I was devastated. We ended up asking two strange kids from down the street over so she had someone to play with.

    My old elementary school principal was much like your old teacher. He’d call us girls into his office, have us sit on his lap. I’ll never forget how he always reeked of beer (to this day the smell makes me sick). When I was in college he was reported by some girls for doing inappropriate things and took his own life.
    People of authority who abuse their power like that make me sick.

    Many thoughts for you.

  • _melly says:

    πŸ™ I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry your feeling this way. I think the way you feel about jericho is normal and you need to get those feelings out. I always hate it when people say they are coming to something and they dont I think it would def. make me upset to. Try and hang in there hun.

  • _melly says:

    πŸ™ I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry your feeling this way. I think the way you feel about jericho is normal and you need to get those feelings out. I always hate it when people say they are coming to something and they dont I think it would def. make me upset to. Try and hang in there hun.

  • cmariewt says:

    What a horrible, horrible series of dreams. those are the dreams that haunt you for days and weeks.

    That is so sad about Xan’s birthday party. The bright side there is that he is still too little to really notice something like that.

    I have an anniversary on the 10th of November, that is similar than yours on the 1st of November. Every year I get sucked into it earlier and earlier. Last year I just almost managed to put it out of my mind, and was at first sincerely confused to find myself sobbing on the shower floor. Even if I put it out of my head, my body never forgets.

    “You don’t have to, you don’t even have to leave the bed if you don’t think you can.”

    What an amazing spouse you have. It’s nice that you have that support from him.

  • cmariewt says:

    What a horrible, horrible series of dreams. those are the dreams that haunt you for days and weeks.

    That is so sad about Xan’s birthday party. The bright side there is that he is still too little to really notice something like that.

    I have an anniversary on the 10th of November, that is similar than yours on the 1st of November. Every year I get sucked into it earlier and earlier. Last year I just almost managed to put it out of my mind, and was at first sincerely confused to find myself sobbing on the shower floor. Even if I put it out of my head, my body never forgets.

    “You don’t have to, you don’t even have to leave the bed if you don’t think you can.”

    What an amazing spouse you have. It’s nice that you have that support from him.

    • nutmegdealer says:

      i’m sorry about xan’s party. if i was invited, i would’ve come (and brought pie!) even though i have no kids and just cats.
      what else have you done to help with your depression? is it just a matter of staying so active that you don’t have time to wallow?

    • nutmegdealer says:

      i’m sorry about xan’s party. if i was invited, i would’ve come (and brought pie!) even though i have no kids and just cats.
      what else have you done to help with your depression? is it just a matter of staying so active that you don’t have time to wallow?

  • Anonymous says:

    strength in knowing you’re not alone

    Hi-
    Anonymous lurker here (who has emailed you a few times). All at once I know how you feel, but don’t know how you feel. I know how you feel in almost taking comfort in your sorrow. This year has been enormously hard for me. I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t get a chance to be alone and cry my eyes out at least once a day. I used to try and distract/stop myself from this but..now I think the only way to get back up is to hit rock bottom first.

    At the same time, I refuse to let myself wallow for too long..its too easy to get sucked in. When I’m like this, I don’t recognize myself. I have always been a happy, optimistic person and the dark thoughts that are constantly making their way into my head make me feel like someone I don’t know in the slightest. I’m fighting to get back to myself…although I know I will never be quite the same.

    I too have had the experience with the poor showing at a birthday party..for my ex-boyfriend’s son (whom I was very close to). My heart was broken for him when no one was RSVP’ing. A few kids showed up..and they had a great time and I don’t think he was any for the wiser..but it still hurt me. I am a person who is so eager to make others happy – I arrange my already packed schedule to make it to all their events..and it hurts when people don’t reciprocate..but don’t take it personally. Some people just aren’t as committed to others’ happiness. I try not to let that stop me from continuing to make a huge effort – that would only hurt me in the end.

    This is long and rambling..but I guess my point was going to be…as dorky as this sounds..sometimes when I’m feeling really sad, I’ll google various things..like “heartbreak” or “overcoming sorrow” or “inspiring stories” or something like that and read how other people have gone from feeling like life is too much of an effort…to feeling pure joy again and feelling more in control of their own life. It comforts me to know that I’m not alone.

  • Anonymous says:

    strength in knowing you’re not alone

    Hi-
    Anonymous lurker here (who has emailed you a few times). All at once I know how you feel, but don’t know how you feel. I know how you feel in almost taking comfort in your sorrow. This year has been enormously hard for me. I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t get a chance to be alone and cry my eyes out at least once a day. I used to try and distract/stop myself from this but..now I think the only way to get back up is to hit rock bottom first.

    At the same time, I refuse to let myself wallow for too long..its too easy to get sucked in. When I’m like this, I don’t recognize myself. I have always been a happy, optimistic person and the dark thoughts that are constantly making their way into my head make me feel like someone I don’t know in the slightest. I’m fighting to get back to myself…although I know I will never be quite the same.

    I too have had the experience with the poor showing at a birthday party..for my ex-boyfriend’s son (whom I was very close to). My heart was broken for him when no one was RSVP’ing. A few kids showed up..and they had a great time and I don’t think he was any for the wiser..but it still hurt me. I am a person who is so eager to make others happy – I arrange my already packed schedule to make it to all their events..and it hurts when people don’t reciprocate..but don’t take it personally. Some people just aren’t as committed to others’ happiness. I try not to let that stop me from continuing to make a huge effort – that would only hurt me in the end.

    This is long and rambling..but I guess my point was going to be…as dorky as this sounds..sometimes when I’m feeling really sad, I’ll google various things..like “heartbreak” or “overcoming sorrow” or “inspiring stories” or something like that and read how other people have gone from feeling like life is too much of an effort…to feeling pure joy again and feelling more in control of their own life. It comforts me to know that I’m not alone.

  • birthingway says:

    No assvice, no words of wisdom, but bucketloads of empathy.

  • birthingway says:

    No assvice, no words of wisdom, but bucketloads of empathy.

  • ppplmgwiw says:

    I just sent you a message via facebook.

    I’m so sorry. Truly.

  • ppplmgwiw says:

    I just sent you a message via facebook.

    I’m so sorry. Truly.

  • julierocket says:

    This is all so, so sad. I’ve been having nightmares lately too, but nothing like that… all sad things that have no bearing on my current life. Like movies.

    On bright spot– I’m really glad for you that Curtis said you can stay in bed all day if you need to. I’m glad he’s not expecting it to get easier just because you’ve done it before. You deserve your space to grieve if you need it.

    <3

  • julierocket says:

    This is all so, so sad. I’ve been having nightmares lately too, but nothing like that… all sad things that have no bearing on my current life. Like movies.

    On bright spot– I’m really glad for you that Curtis said you can stay in bed all day if you need to. I’m glad he’s not expecting it to get easier just because you’ve done it before. You deserve your space to grieve if you need it.

    <3

  • Rick got stuck in traffic (says there was an accident) and didnt even get home until after 5pm. Anyway I want to drop off his gift sometime this week if thats okay?

  • Rick got stuck in traffic (says there was an accident) and didnt even get home until after 5pm. Anyway I want to drop off his gift sometime this week if thats okay?

  • vertebrae says:

    Oh, honey, honey, honey. .(

  • vertebrae says:

    Oh, honey, honey, honey. .(

  • _delphiki_ says:

    Only 2 people came out of the 15 invited to Maddox’s 3rd birthday and they were really late too. It still hurts.

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time πŸ™

  • _delphiki_ says:

    Only 2 people came out of the 15 invited to Maddox’s 3rd birthday and they were really late too. It still hurts.

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time πŸ™

  • j_lew says:

    age 13 we had a teacher who used to fondle our backsides and legs whilst marking our books, we all just used to accept it not one of us ever thought to tell our parents as bloody sickening as it was, it was *just the way it was* I often wonder what would be the reaction today to such events and why none of the other teachers ever thought to do somthing about it.

    sorry you had such a poor show to the party, you must be gutted.

    I always think of you and Jericho when this time of year comes round, as bananas as that may sound to you.

    be gentle on yourself.

  • j_lew says:

    age 13 we had a teacher who used to fondle our backsides and legs whilst marking our books, we all just used to accept it not one of us ever thought to tell our parents as bloody sickening as it was, it was *just the way it was* I often wonder what would be the reaction today to such events and why none of the other teachers ever thought to do somthing about it.

    sorry you had such a poor show to the party, you must be gutted.

    I always think of you and Jericho when this time of year comes round, as bananas as that may sound to you.

    be gentle on yourself.

  • mooncrab says:

    I’m sorry. About everything. I would’ve liked to have been there. And I’m sorry about the rest, too. <3

  • mooncrab says:

    I’m sorry. About everything. I would’ve liked to have been there. And I’m sorry about the rest, too. <3

  • This entry broke my heart sweetie. I’m sending you warm thoughts and hugs. <3

  • This entry broke my heart sweetie. I’m sending you warm thoughts and hugs. <3

  • I am so sorry no one tried to be there, that’s so unfortunate and sad. You are an amazing mother and family and I would have loved to be there. I know we don’t know each other well, but I’m out here, listening and supporting you. πŸ™‚

  • I am so sorry no one tried to be there, that’s so unfortunate and sad. You are an amazing mother and family and I would have loved to be there. I know we don’t know each other well, but I’m out here, listening and supporting you. πŸ™‚

  • ali_konu says:

    Every day I am aware of it, and make an effort to make this day different, this day happier, this day will go better. But it isn’t working, and I can feel my soul dragging me down while I the efforts to claw my way back up seem more and more useless.

    This is me for the past three weeks. I want so badly to feel better, do better, BE happy… for the LOVE OF GOD why can’t i just BE HAPPY.

    I’ve struggled for years too, I recognize this, I know it will pass but damn if it doesn’t feel hopeless when your in the thick of it.

  • ali_konu says:

    Every day I am aware of it, and make an effort to make this day different, this day happier, this day will go better. But it isn’t working, and I can feel my soul dragging me down while I the efforts to claw my way back up seem more and more useless.

    This is me for the past three weeks. I want so badly to feel better, do better, BE happy… for the LOVE OF GOD why can’t i just BE HAPPY.

    I’ve struggled for years too, I recognize this, I know it will pass but damn if it doesn’t feel hopeless when your in the thick of it.

  • Ah, Heather. I’m sorry. πŸ™

  • Ah, Heather. I’m sorry. πŸ™

  • winterbourne says:

    *hugs*

    Do you want t0 hang out, soon?

  • winterbourne says:

    *hugs*

    Do you want t0 hang out, soon?

  • awww… I had no idea what we were coming into. I noticed your eyes looked sad but thought maybe you had allergies, as we talked about later. I’m so sorry you felt so upset with everything… What a day for you!!

    On our end we’d had a busy day with the pumpkin patch and then a toddler that fought his nap with screaming for 45 minutes, so we were waiting for him to wake up before heading out again. When he didn’t wake up until 4 I thought it was probably too late, but called to check on how the party was going, if it was already winding down it would’ve been embarrassing to arrive that late. As it was, I don’t think we arrived until closer to 4:30 and that was with me abadoning my plans to stop on the way for spreadable cheese to go with my rice crackers (figured it was beyond too late to contribute to the food)… Anyway, we made it, though ridiculously late, and had fun watching Xan with his new stuff. By the way, the cake, chocolate mouse and tatziki were AMAZING!!

    I hope things move towards an up-swing for you before the depressive feelings really take hold… Take care of you.

  • awww… I had no idea what we were coming into. I noticed your eyes looked sad but thought maybe you had allergies, as we talked about later. I’m so sorry you felt so upset with everything… What a day for you!!

    On our end we’d had a busy day with the pumpkin patch and then a toddler that fought his nap with screaming for 45 minutes, so we were waiting for him to wake up before heading out again. When he didn’t wake up until 4 I thought it was probably too late, but called to check on how the party was going, if it was already winding down it would’ve been embarrassing to arrive that late. As it was, I don’t think we arrived until closer to 4:30 and that was with me abadoning my plans to stop on the way for spreadable cheese to go with my rice crackers (figured it was beyond too late to contribute to the food)… Anyway, we made it, though ridiculously late, and had fun watching Xan with his new stuff. By the way, the cake, chocolate mouse and tatziki were AMAZING!!

    I hope things move towards an up-swing for you before the depressive feelings really take hold… Take care of you.

  • I am so, so sorry. Sending you healing thoughts and warm hugs. I wish there was more.

  • I am so, so sorry. Sending you healing thoughts and warm hugs. I wish there was more.

  • derryn_007 says:

    GIGANTIC hug.

    And I’m really looking forward to our dinner on Thursday πŸ™‚

  • derryn_007 says:

    GIGANTIC hug.

    And I’m really looking forward to our dinner on Thursday πŸ™‚

  • facethemoon says:

    I’m so sorry honey. I couldn’t make it. I have just barely left my house since giving birth. I was thinking of you’s though.

    I know its a dark time right now. I love you. xo

  • facethemoon says:

    I’m so sorry honey. I couldn’t make it. I have just barely left my house since giving birth. I was thinking of you’s though.

    I know its a dark time right now. I love you. xo

  • imbroglio says:

    I want to say something because I read all of this and my heart hurts but everything I can think of to say seems insanely inadequate, so just know that there are many things I wish no-one had to go through and that I’m thinking of you, Jericho, and your family.

  • imbroglio says:

    I want to say something because I read all of this and my heart hurts but everything I can think of to say seems insanely inadequate, so just know that there are many things I wish no-one had to go through and that I’m thinking of you, Jericho, and your family.

  • lottiekate says:

    I do not know what to say. I friended you Because a well written blog is a rare thing. I love the way you write and your photography. My heart goes out to you. Be kind to yourself.

    I can relate to your son’s birthday party, I invited many people to my sons 4th birthday party, expecting a few no show’s. Friend after friend cancelled. One woman, who I thought to be a good friend, gave no reason or apology. She’s been distant with me ever since. I was in tears on the day of the party. When a few guests did turn up I was heartbroken, especially when my boy kept asking where everybody was. My son enjoyed his party and did not notice the absence of his friends.

  • lottiekate says:

    I do not know what to say. I friended you Because a well written blog is a rare thing. I love the way you write and your photography. My heart goes out to you. Be kind to yourself.

    I can relate to your son’s birthday party, I invited many people to my sons 4th birthday party, expecting a few no show’s. Friend after friend cancelled. One woman, who I thought to be a good friend, gave no reason or apology. She’s been distant with me ever since. I was in tears on the day of the party. When a few guests did turn up I was heartbroken, especially when my boy kept asking where everybody was. My son enjoyed his party and did not notice the absence of his friends.

  • the_lissa says:

    I hate dreams like that.

    I was thinking of you and Jericho a lot yesterday.

  • the_lissa says:

    I hate dreams like that.

    I was thinking of you and Jericho a lot yesterday.

  • newti_chan says:

    Oh man, are there leftovers??
    I wish I hadn’t been stuck at my boring job all day, I would’ve run out and got Laur and Frankie in a heartbeat!

    I have this knee-jerk desire to say something like “geez I guess it was a bad time to be having that conversation” but that’s a sentiment for someone I don’t really know that well, not you… If that makes any sense. And if it helps you to keep talking about all that sort of stuff, I am here.

    Remember that you can give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel, no matter what that may be…

  • newti_chan says:

    Oh man, are there leftovers??
    I wish I hadn’t been stuck at my boring job all day, I would’ve run out and got Laur and Frankie in a heartbeat!

    I have this knee-jerk desire to say something like “geez I guess it was a bad time to be having that conversation” but that’s a sentiment for someone I don’t really know that well, not you… If that makes any sense. And if it helps you to keep talking about all that sort of stuff, I am here.

    Remember that you can give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel, no matter what that may be…

    • admin says:

      Really, I think it was a perfect time to be having that conversation. It was kind of reassuring.

      I also think parts of it came into the dream about my mom, like at the moment she died doing the death wail thing.

    • admin says:

      Really, I think it was a perfect time to be having that conversation. It was kind of reassuring.

      I also think parts of it came into the dream about my mom, like at the moment she died doing the death wail thing.

  • smellykaka says:

    I would have come. Sometimes I don’t get invited to birthday parties for kids I’d really like to go to and I feel sad.

  • smellykaka says:

    I would have come. Sometimes I don’t get invited to birthday parties for kids I’d really like to go to and I feel sad.

  • gen_here says:

    I can’t even begin to understand the whole of what you’re going through. I’ve lost a parent (a year ago today) – but that was a parent who lived a long full life… not a few hours. I do get the disappointment of family, though. When my mom died last year, there were cousins and aunts who were “so concerned” – but yet no one acknowledged my daughter’s 1st birthday 2 weeks later. Okay, so maybe that was because my mom was the family calendar… but what about no one acknowledging MY birthday 5 days after we buried her? This past year has been hell – and not because of her death. I miss her, yes, but we’ve been through a LOT of other crap this year… and not a single person in my family knows about it because no one ever contacts me or returns my calls/cards/emails… and I gave up. They don’t even know that we moved again 7 months ago.

    I keep telling myself that I’ll be stronger for it in the long run – that I won’t keep getting the same wounds ripped open by them. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt anymore. I’m so, SO very thankful for my husband’s family, but what about the people that have known me longer than the last 7 years? It’s like I don’t have any history before 2001. It’s like my daughter doesn’t exist. I doubt they’ll know anything about any other children we may have down the road – we have no reason to cross paths again.

    As for Jericho’s birthday approaching – I really don’t have words. Like I said, I haven’t lived it. Do know that I’m praying – not that you’ll “get over it” or “finally accept it” or any of the other crap that I’m sure gets thrown your way. Just that you’re able to continue to integrate him and his life into your story – your family’s story – more and more with each passing year. You won’t get over him. You SHOULDN’T get over him. He is your child… is, not was, IS! Celebrate his life or mourn his death or both or neither. Do what you and your family need – and that will be the “right” way for you to handle November 1st this year.

  • gen_here says:

    I can’t even begin to understand the whole of what you’re going through. I’ve lost a parent (a year ago today) – but that was a parent who lived a long full life… not a few hours. I do get the disappointment of family, though. When my mom died last year, there were cousins and aunts who were “so concerned” – but yet no one acknowledged my daughter’s 1st birthday 2 weeks later. Okay, so maybe that was because my mom was the family calendar… but what about no one acknowledging MY birthday 5 days after we buried her? This past year has been hell – and not because of her death. I miss her, yes, but we’ve been through a LOT of other crap this year… and not a single person in my family knows about it because no one ever contacts me or returns my calls/cards/emails… and I gave up. They don’t even know that we moved again 7 months ago.

    I keep telling myself that I’ll be stronger for it in the long run – that I won’t keep getting the same wounds ripped open by them. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt anymore. I’m so, SO very thankful for my husband’s family, but what about the people that have known me longer than the last 7 years? It’s like I don’t have any history before 2001. It’s like my daughter doesn’t exist. I doubt they’ll know anything about any other children we may have down the road – we have no reason to cross paths again.

    As for Jericho’s birthday approaching – I really don’t have words. Like I said, I haven’t lived it. Do know that I’m praying – not that you’ll “get over it” or “finally accept it” or any of the other crap that I’m sure gets thrown your way. Just that you’re able to continue to integrate him and his life into your story – your family’s story – more and more with each passing year. You won’t get over him. You SHOULDN’T get over him. He is your child… is, not was, IS! Celebrate his life or mourn his death or both or neither. Do what you and your family need – and that will be the “right” way for you to handle November 1st this year.

  • jadethe2nd says:

    I know it’s not enough, but

    *hugs*

  • jadethe2nd says:

    I know it’s not enough, but

    *hugs*

  • bluealoe says:

    *holds you close and hugs tight* This entry made my heart hurt. I want so badly to just wave all the bad things away so you can be happy like you deserve to be.

    I’ve had dreams like that the last two years…it wipes me out for days afterward. I can’t describe it, I’m just so unsettled and depressed and haunted.

    Even though I know it’s just a dream, I was awash in relief.

    Every time I have a dream like that, I have to call every member of my family and reassure myself that they’re okay. I’ve been known to wake my mom up to hug her and ask if she’s okay, then crawl into bed with her for the rest of the night.

    I could totally have gone to the party if I could. =/ (And the food sounds *amazing*!)

    It is difficult to resist the comfortable familiarity of depression; to just let myself fall in and rest there in the cloak of tears and grief and separate myself from reality.

    I know our situations aren’t the same, but I know this feeling. I know what to do when I’m depressed, I know how to deal with it. Most of the time I’m too apathetic to care about anything, and the numbness is good. Constantly struggling to be upbeat, to see the positive, to act happy….that’s the hard part, not depression.

    The teachers at your school…oy veh. I can’t even form words to express how awful that is.

    Vaguely related: I was trying to explain to my mom today about Samhain, how this is the time of year spirits are closest to us. She listened and nodded, but I don’t think she really understood. But I feel it. I feel the spirits of those I’ve lost, and I don’t know whether to be happy they’re here or sad that they’ll be gone. It’s almost better not to have the closeness that comes this time of year.

    Whoa, that was a digression. *hugs again* I love you, Heather, and I hope this week gets better for you.

  • bluealoe says:

    *holds you close and hugs tight* This entry made my heart hurt. I want so badly to just wave all the bad things away so you can be happy like you deserve to be.

    I’ve had dreams like that the last two years…it wipes me out for days afterward. I can’t describe it, I’m just so unsettled and depressed and haunted.

    Even though I know it’s just a dream, I was awash in relief.

    Every time I have a dream like that, I have to call every member of my family and reassure myself that they’re okay. I’ve been known to wake my mom up to hug her and ask if she’s okay, then crawl into bed with her for the rest of the night.

    I could totally have gone to the party if I could. =/ (And the food sounds *amazing*!)

    It is difficult to resist the comfortable familiarity of depression; to just let myself fall in and rest there in the cloak of tears and grief and separate myself from reality.

    I know our situations aren’t the same, but I know this feeling. I know what to do when I’m depressed, I know how to deal with it. Most of the time I’m too apathetic to care about anything, and the numbness is good. Constantly struggling to be upbeat, to see the positive, to act happy….that’s the hard part, not depression.

    The teachers at your school…oy veh. I can’t even form words to express how awful that is.

    Vaguely related: I was trying to explain to my mom today about Samhain, how this is the time of year spirits are closest to us. She listened and nodded, but I don’t think she really understood. But I feel it. I feel the spirits of those I’ve lost, and I don’t know whether to be happy they’re here or sad that they’ll be gone. It’s almost better not to have the closeness that comes this time of year.

    Whoa, that was a digression. *hugs again* I love you, Heather, and I hope this week gets better for you.

  • sprytaen says:

    I never understood why they weren’t just fired the first time.

    Fired? Why wasn’t he thrown in jail? I don’t know what the laws are like up there, but.. an adult getting a 14yo pregnant? That’s so completely illegal here. If I was that child’s mother, I’d have a hard time keeping myself from violently assaulting that man. Teachers that use their position to abuse a child in any way should be.. beaten. I’m not a violent person, but.. that just makes me sick and furious and.. just.. emotional.

    I am so sorry you had to go through all that alone. But I am happy you’re able to talk about it now. It helps to make people aware, you know? When children I work with tell me things, I always try to listen very carefully. Adults who don’t.. they make me sad.

    And yeah.. I found out the other night that right around the time I was having surgery to remove the dead fetus from my womb, my cousin was having her second abortion. She’d had rebound sex and gotten pregnant. I respect the decision she made as being the right choice for her.. but it makes me even more angry at my disfunctional reproduction system. And it makes me sad that something that we want so so SO badly, wasn’t wanted by her. That was a hard conversation to have. My child would have started preschool last month..

  • sprytaen says:

    I never understood why they weren’t just fired the first time.

    Fired? Why wasn’t he thrown in jail? I don’t know what the laws are like up there, but.. an adult getting a 14yo pregnant? That’s so completely illegal here. If I was that child’s mother, I’d have a hard time keeping myself from violently assaulting that man. Teachers that use their position to abuse a child in any way should be.. beaten. I’m not a violent person, but.. that just makes me sick and furious and.. just.. emotional.

    I am so sorry you had to go through all that alone. But I am happy you’re able to talk about it now. It helps to make people aware, you know? When children I work with tell me things, I always try to listen very carefully. Adults who don’t.. they make me sad.

    And yeah.. I found out the other night that right around the time I was having surgery to remove the dead fetus from my womb, my cousin was having her second abortion. She’d had rebound sex and gotten pregnant. I respect the decision she made as being the right choice for her.. but it makes me even more angry at my disfunctional reproduction system. And it makes me sad that something that we want so so SO badly, wasn’t wanted by her. That was a hard conversation to have. My child would have started preschool last month..

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